Chapter 14
Okay, I had taken more than just a night.
It was now the next afternoon, and I was still struggling.
I sat on the beach deep in thought. This seemed to be the place I came to clear my mind.
After a night of tossing and turning and a morning of being cooped up in my hotel room, I knew I needed to get out and get some fresh air.
The beach was the perfect place. I felt some of the tension leave me as peace filled me.
I had made sure to text Ashley back whenever she hit me up so she didn’t worry, but I kept the conversations short. I didn’t want anyone’s opinions to cloud my judgment. Whatever decision I made, I needed it to actually come from me, with a sound mind and heart.
It wasn’t even that I was contemplating keeping Azari in my life or not.
I knew that I wanted to… maybe even borderline needed to keep him around.
I would always wonder what if I let him go.
So, that wasn’t in question, and I knew I needed to tell him that when I saw him again.
That needed to be clear, because I knew last night I hadn’t done a good job of clarifying that.
What was in question was my career and the trajectory of my life.
Ashley was right. I worked so hard for my career.
I’d always wanted to be a lawyer, so did I really want to throw it all away so easily?
Was there a way I could lessen my workload and still keep my childhood dream alive?
Did I even want to do that? Dreams died sometimes, didn’t they?
Was that what happened to me? Maybe I lived the dream out to the fullest, and it was time for new dreams.
I sighed as I lazily drew circles in the sand with my pointer finger.
The reason the path of my career was so important was that I knew if I decided to stick with my career as a lawyer, it would mean I wouldn’t have time to pursue Azari as much as I wanted to.
I wanted to keep him around. There was no question about that.
But I wasn’t sure if he would be okay with only seeing me for a few hours here and there.
Though it had been a long ass time since I’d been in a relationship, I knew that they couldn’t survive like that.
To me, that sounded more like a situationship than what I really wanted, which was love and a family of my own.
“Indira, girl, ain’t that the answer right there?” I whispered to myself.
I wanted love and a family of my own. I knew I couldn’t get that while working as hard as I had been. My current law firm demanded a lot of my time, so it would be impossible to live out my dream of love and a family while currently living out my dream of being a lawyer.
“Maybe I could find a new firm to work at,” I mumbled, but as soon as I said it, I knew that wouldn’t work, either.
I was a heavy hitter. It didn’t matter where I went; my workload would remain the same.
I was sought after by many, and law firms would keep me busy, always thirsty to take on cases and not turn them down.
“I could open up my own firm,” I said out loud, realizing that verbalizing my thoughts was helping me to conclude quicker.
The problem with that was it would take a long ass time actually to open my own practice. And when I did, though I would have the ability to turn down cases and create my own schedule, I had no doubt it would be just as much work because I would be the damn owner.
But I realized that I couldn’t do both. I needed to choose between being a lawyer and continuing that dream and starting a new dream of having a family and finding love.
“Damn. A rock and a hard place,” I said as I threw a rock into the waves of the ocean.
In my heart, I knew what I wanted to do.
It wasn’t really an easy decision, but it was the one I knew I wanted.
I’d accomplished my dream of being a successful, highly sought-after lawyer.
It had been a good run, too. I helped so many innocent people, but I knew my heart wasn’t in it anymore.
I also knew that by opening my own mediator/arbitrator firm, I could still help people and have a meaningful impact while managing my love life and growing a family.
I sat on the beach for hours and made plans in my head. I would give my firm six months to find a replacement, so I could properly wrap up my current cases. In those six months, I would start the framework of opening my own business.
Finally, I smiled as excitement and hope surged through me.
I stood, feeling accomplished. This decision didn’t feel so rushed anymore.
It no longer felt like a hasty choice to change my life.
In my heart, I knew I had a super solid plan that I was excited about, and that would bring me the most happiness.
That was good enough for me. Nobody could talk me out of this or make me feel stupid or like I hadn’t thought this through.
My stomach rumbled, and I knew exactly what my next step would be. I needed to get some food for me and Azari, and bring him a peace offering. I couldn’t wait to tell him everything, and I prayed he was receptive to everything I had to say.