Chapter 10
ten
CARINA
I hate that Beckett brought up Hamilton in front of Orion. We don’t owe each other anything, and he’s not the type to be jealous, which I don’t want him to be. But it’s that I have this big relationship in my past that I couldn’t make work.
Nothing makes me feel like more of a failure than Hamilton Kane.
It doesn’t help that my father made Hamilton his protégé and now they both get to tell me how to run my business. He and I weren’t big on feelings with each other, so it’s not that I miss him. It was more than a business relationship, but at times it didn’t feel like much more. All the same, I should have found a way to care more or to make it work.
At least Christian and Orion hit it off. While I’m discouraging Beckett from his attempts to be a wingman, Christian asks Orion about his favorite rums.
My stomach turns at the thought of Hamilton using the wedding as a chance to get back with me. The part that scares me is I might have let him in. I might have agreed to hook up because he’s there and I do eventually want a family. Hamilton and I have history. He’s not a risk. We’d talked about marriage before. So maybe I could make it work with him. But even when we lived in the same place, we didn’t have the connection I wanted. On paper he was the type of match my father wanted for me, someone who elevates my status. I wasn’t unhappy with him.
But he never lit my body on fire with a single glance.
I rope Haley into the wedding discussion when Alex waves over a pretty brunette who walked in from the street side. He introduces her as Kim.
“Oh, your date for the wedding,” Haley recalls, having the guest list committed to memory.
“Yes, I’m excited. It should be a lot of fun,” Kim replies. They clearly recently started dating. I’m surprised Alex invited her. “And congratulations, Beckett. I’m sure it’ll be beautiful.”
“It’s a bummer you aren’t coming,” Alex says to Orion.
I look up. Do I want Orion at the wedding? A vision flashes in my head of him in a suit, looking at me with lust in his eyes. It’d be perfectly tailored if I have any voice in the matter. I’d spend the whole night running my hands over the fabric to feel it and the way his muscles move under my touch. He’d lose the jacket at some point and roll up his sleeves. He’d look at me like he’s imagining my clothes disappearing.
He shrugs. “I’m sure you’ll have fun without me.”
“Why don’t you go as Carina’s date? She has a plus-one she’s not using,” Alex suggests.
My heart freezes, but I keep my face passive. Alex can’t know the thoughts I have about Orion. But he’s right—I could take Orion to the wedding. We’re friends, and over the next few months he’ll get closer to everyone else at the table. By then, it’ll be weird if he’s not there.
I could make my fantasy real.
He places a hand on my knee where no one can see, warming my skin. I want it to stay there. “It’s fine. I’m sure I’ll hear about it,” he says.
“Alex is right,” I tell Orion when he moves his hand away. “I wasn’t planning on taking anyone. So you can come with me if you want. It’ll be a good networking opportunity anyway.” The wedding will be a who’s who of everyone on the island and the surrounding area.
Orion holds my gaze like he’s trying to see what I’m really thinking. And fuck him, because I think he might be able to. “Nothing more than a professional event?” He’s asking if it would be completely business between us, or if there might be something more then.
Before I can answer—and it’s for the best, because I wouldn’t be able to keep desire out of my voice—Beckett speaks up. “You should come. I’ll introduce you to my parents. We control the tourist market in the area. They need to like you for you to get your feet off the ground. And we’ll do my bachelor party on your boat.”
He should decline. Beckett is great to Sienna, but when he and Hamilton get together, they revert to their college frat bro days.
“Sure, it’ll be great,” Orion answers.
“That settles it,” Alex says, his voice flat like something went wrong in whatever plan he was working on.
I should be annoyed with him. He’s being as manipulative as Beckett. But if I tell him to back off, he will. I trust Alex.
“I was just stopping by,” Kim says, aware she stepped into something she probably doesn’t want to be involved with. “I’ll see you around.”
“I have to head out too,” Beckett says. “Alex, you got my tab?”
They head over to the bar. When they leave, it’s Christian, Haley, Orion, and me.
“I like Orion. Don’t know why he rubs you the wrong way,” Haley whispers to me.
The bar has picked up. It’s always crowded on Friday nights. The locals’ section usually fills up since it isn’t tourist high season—the weather is far too hot—and we feel like this place is ours again.
“I don’t know,” I say. My insides roll, with Beckett wanting me to hook up with Hamilton, and Alex pushing Orion in front of me. I can’t handle Haley tossing her hat in the ring for him. He’s also currently sharing with Christian about the months he spent in Tahiti and how much he loved it. I can’t imagine he wouldn’t want to go back there with how he’s talking about it.
“I’m glad we were able to connect with him,” she continues. “He was so helpful on the boat trip and he’s definitely good-looking.”
I feel my last cocktail in my stomach. “I thought you were dating Eric.” My voice is sharper than I intend. I want her far away from Orion. I have no claim on him, but the thought of him dating my friend makes me want to vomit.
Which proves my point that I need to stay away from him. I can’t keep my emotions in check. I demanded a fling; it ended. I should move on and quit acting like it was anything more.
She gives me a look, telling me she sees more than I want her to. “I am. I wasn’t suggesting I date Orion. I thought we were becoming friends.”
“You’re right. Sorry. I’m jumpy tonight.”
“Change is always difficult,” she says. “With Sienna getting married, the dynamic of our friend group is shifting, even if we think it won’t.”
We get a few more rounds and I’m feeling pleasantly buzzed. Bristol knows me well enough that she makes sure I drink a full glass of water between each cocktail, so I don’t get hungover. I have my limits. I’m for having fun and trying new things, but I also don’t want to do anything reckless or stupid. I am the very definition of drink responsibly .
“I’m headed home,” Orion says, finishing the last drop from his cocktail.
I shouldn’t have been following everything he ordered. I can’t remember what Haley had but I know everything Orion drank tonight.
He signals Bristol to bring his check. “I have to be up early.”
“I do too,” I say. It’s not necessarily true. I have an early morning yoga class. I do every day. Saturday isn’t an exception. But there’s no reason to stay at the bar with Orion gone.
If anyone asks, it’s a safety thing, having him walk me home.
We close out our checks as Autumn arrives to join Christian and they move to the bar. We wave goodbye to Haley who heads to the parking lot where her sister picks her up.
Orion and I turn toward our homes, walking along the dark beach. The sun has long set and I’m surprisingly happy with that. I don’t need a romantic moment with him, and the sunsets here are gorgeous.
I remove my flip-flops and hold them in my hand. Orion takes a few steps in the sand and does the same. The sand is cool in the night air—a stark contrast to how it felt earlier.
“Thanks for inviting me out,” he says.
“Of course.” It didn’t go exactly the way I planned, but I would’ve regretted leaving him out. I can’t avoid him forever. The more I am around him, the more it won’t mean anything, and the thought of not having him around won’t make my skin itch. It’s exposure therapy.
“I mean it, Carina. I’m glad I got to meet Christian and see Alex. And you should know that Alex purposefully didn’t tell us about each other.”
I knew it. “He’s trying to push us together.” He probably thinks Orion is a safe alternative to Hamilton. “He might like the idea of us as a couple. He might also want to spite Hamilton. The two of them never got along. Beckett met Hamilton at college. He moved here for a little bit to work at the resort.” I almost add in “until he was poached by my dad to work for his firm” but I don’t want Orion to know yet. I have too many complicated feelings about it. “Hamilton isn’t from here and was never impressed by Paradise. Plus, Alex actually works behind the bar. Hamilton has never done manual labor in his life.”
“I’m assuming lifting golf clubs doesn’t count,” Orion says.
“He hires people for that.” I hope my sarcasm comes through.
Orion chuckles. “I shut it down. Told Alex I’m not interested in dating.”
I nod and don’t say anything specifically. Whatever feelings I have in my pants, they will pass. This is fine. The alcohol I drank doesn’t feel like acid in my stomach.
He stops in the middle of the beach. “Do they even know you?” he asks.
It feels like a question out of nowhere, but it’s not. “Of course they know me. I’ve been friends with Haley and Alex since we were kids, and I met Christian five years ago.” My heart breaks a little at how right he is about this. How it’s possible for me to be so transparent with him and opaque to everyone else.
“Right, but none of them know you.”
“Oh, and you do?” He does and I want to be angry at him for it.
“Maybe not yet. I know better than to act surprised when you express any emotion beyond ‘pleasant.’ And what is the deal with so many people trying to dictate your love life?”
“Excuse me for trying to be a nice person. You’re the one who’s letting Beckett have his bachelor party on your boat even if it feels like a dagger to your soul. You’re only doing that because it will make you look good to his family.”
“We’re not talking about me. This is about you.” His voice is forceful. “You are a nice person. You’re kind and caring and beautiful. You are more than that.” I ignore the beautiful comment. “Do you think I’m attending this wedding to network?”
“Why did you agree, then? Trust me, if you didn’t like the idea of Nebula Athletics on your boat, you’ll hate a bachelor party. Especially this group.”
He looks at me like I’m completely dense. “Figure it out, Carina.”
I huff. I don’t have the patience for speculation. “Have you ever thought since I get along with everyone else but can’t get along with you, you are the problem?”
“I’m fully aware of my problems. But I’m not your problem.”
“I don’t care. Whatever. We don’t have to be friends. We can be neighbors and have the same friends and we don’t have to pretend we are anything more than that.” I start walking again. He’ll agree it’s for the best and I don’t want to be looking at him when he does.
“We’re going to a wedding together,” he says.
I stop. He won’t let this go. “We don’t have to. I can talk to Sienna. I’m sure the guest list has flexibility. Or one of her sisters will need a date.”
“I honestly don’t care about Beckett getting married and I don’t know Sienna. The only reason for me to go is to be your date.”
I can’t see his eyes in the dark or read his expression. He sounds sincere. I don’t know what any of this means. “There’s a networking opportunity,” I try.
“For fuck’s sake, if you really think that’s my motivation, then you don’t know me at all.”
“I don’t need a date,” I protest one last time.
“When was the last time you did something for yourself? Something you didn’t strictly need?” He steps closer to me.
The water is right there but this man smells like the sea. I want to lose myself in him.
“All the attention will be on Sienna and Beckett, and you’ll work so hard to make the day perfect for them. Wouldn’t it be nice if someone was there just for you? Someone you don’t have to impress or perform for? Someone you can relax around?”
I’ve never had that. I’ve never had someone who cares about me first. It’s a tempting offer. But I can’t let him get too close. In two months, he could already be bored with Florida. “Fine. But only because Sienna won’t care and this is too minor of an issue to bring to her attention.” It’ll be a friend thing. No big deal.
He places his hand over his heart. “You wound me.”
I smile. “I get final say on what you wear. You can’t embarrass me with cargo shorts.”
“Please, I have standards.”
“I’ve seen you wear cargo shorts.”
“Yes, on the boat, where I need pockets.”
He’s currently wearing shorts. They are black and the logo is from a major competitor of mine. I don’t take it personally. They are pricey and super soft. I might have some of their women’s clothing stashed in a drawer to be pulled out when I will be at the house all day.
He steps close enough so I can see him in the dark. We’re almost touching. “The wedding is on the beach, I’m guessing.”
“Yes, at the resort.” It’s a safe guess on his part. Everything important on this island takes place on the beach.
“I have a suit.” He looks away from me and at the water.
“Right. I still want to see it. Make sure it fits.”
“It’s bespoke.”
I didn’t expect that. He doesn’t appear to be the type to have custom clothing. Not when he was living on a boat. “I’ll have to trust you, then.”
“You should. Trust me. I want to be your friend, Carina. Fuck being friendly neighbors.”
I don’t know what he means. We stare at each other in the dark and I have a feeling he wants more from me than friendship. I need to find an escape.
“The stars are really bright tonight,” I say, pointing up to the sky. My eyes have adjusted, and I can pick out so many constellations.
He steps back. “I’ve seen better.” He sighs, not interested in the fight I want to pick.
He doesn’t walk me all the way to my door, like I hoped and feared he would. It would have been the worst temptation. Instead, he waits at the end of my driveway until I open the front door. He’s making sure I’m safe. It’s preservation for my heart. If he came to my door, I’d invite him in and then upstairs. We could be soft in the moonlight as we strip each other down.
“Be safe tomorrow,” I say. He’s an experienced sailor and has a capable crew. It’s silly. But so is making sure nothing happens to me between the sidewalk and the door.
He smiles under the light of the garage, and he knows he matters to me. I care about him, regardless of what I said earlier.
Once inside, I make my way up to my bedroom. My en suite bathroom is massive, with a large soaking tub and a separate shower with two showerheads. I have windows that face the gulf. I can soak in the tub and watch waves crash on the shore. I want to fill it and sink into the water, thinking of Orion. I can’t do that. Instead, I will myself to let go of this stupid crush.
I move to my yoga room, telling myself some bedtime stretching will help me unwind. It happens that this window faces his house. Out the panes, I watch as Orion turns the lights on in his house and the waves they travel as he moves. On. Off. On. Off.
Then darkness.
I’ve been in his house plenty growing up. The Lawsons always had cold lemonade for Haley and me on hot days. The largest bedroom faces the water like mine does.
He’s gone to bed, not thinking about me. But I’ll be up late, unable to get him off my mind.