Chapter 15
fifteen
CARINA
I spend the day after the boat trip getting caught up on what I missed the day before. As the head of a company, I pride myself on a work culture that supports work/life balance. I minimally check emails on my days off and don’t expect anyone else to. But even with boundaries and a fantastic executive team, the tasks don’t disappear when I’m out.
I work from home often. Remote work has been great for my employees, and I embraced it for their sake. It also helps me focus. Too many people require my attention when I’m physically at the office.
It’s late in the afternoon, and while I’m up getting a cup of tea, I notice Haley’s car is in Orion’s driveway.
My heart catches in my throat. No. This can’t be happening.
All I think is mine .
But he’s not. We’re friends who yell at each other. I have no claim on him. It doesn’t matter what almost happened in the water yesterday, or what we did two weeks ago. I made it clear to him—I don’t want anything more.
And it’s not like Haley knows any better. I could tell her, and she wouldn’t go near him. She’d never break the friend code stating you don’t hook up with the same guy your friend did. Even if I told her it was okay.
This is ridiculous anyway. She’s dating Eric. It’s casual, but she doesn’t stray.
I’m staring at my teakettle, trying to get my thoughts under control, when there is a knock on the sliding glass door in my office. My kitchen has a clear view so when I turn, I see Orion standing on my wraparound porch.
“I have a front door, you know,” I say when I open it.
“Yes, but it’s on the other side of the house. Why would I walk around when I can come in here?”
This part of my porch isn’t in the backyard. I understand it’s more convenient for him without being truly invasive. But I don’t respond because I’m trying to come up with something clever to say. I can’t because he smells like sunscreen and charcoal, and I love it.
“You going to stand there with the door open, letting the a/c out?” He smirks.
I haven’t given him permission to enter my house. I debate for half a second about stepping outside. But it’s hot and I’ve already showered once today. I don’t need to get sweaty and add another thing to my to-do list. I don’t have to let him past the doormat. “What can I do for you?” I step back just enough so he has room to stand. We’re close. Too close.
“As you can see, Haley is over. Everyone else will be by in about thirty minutes.”
“For what?” I ask.
“The orgy.”
He says it with such a straight face that I almost believe him.
My first thought is Fuck that. I’m not sharing you .
My second thought is My laptop could survive being thrown on the floor so we can fuck on my desk. Who cares if the blinds are open and people could see?
But he’s fucking with me. “Ha ha. What’s really happening?” I take one step back.
He shakes his head, annoyed he didn’t get a rise out of me. “Haley is putting the fish they caught on the grill. Everyone is bringing side dishes and drinks. You just need to show up.”
“What? When did this happen?”
“Yesterday, when you were bringing things in before lunch.”
“Fuck, Orion. You could have given me some warning. I need to get something together. I have ingredients for dip.” I rush to my pantry to see if I have an unopened bag of chips. I usually have basic charcuterie for unexpected guests. I’m usually prepared, but he could have told me earlier. He drove me home yesterday and could have said something then.
He was out on a charter all day. I waved to him this morning as he drove past me while I was walking. He could’ve texted.
He steps in front of me, having followed me into the kitchen, and places a hand on each of my shoulders. “Carina, we have everything under control.”
“I need to contribute. You said we were bringing sides. I have to get a side.”
“I have hummus and fresh guac from a local shop. One of my captains recommended it. I have enough for it to come from both of us.”
What? “I should at least bring chips.”
“I have plenty. Carina, you only need to bring your beautiful face.”
I look around my kitchen. “Plates. And silverware.” I should make a list for this. I start sweating as I think of everything that needs to be done.
“Haley brought reusable plastic ones.”
“I can at least bring a bottle of wine.” I point to my living room where I have a wet bar. I’m sure I have something already chilled.
“I doubt anyone will argue against that, but both Alex and Christian said something about enough rum punch to drown an army.”
“You talked to them?” This wasn’t planned with only Haley. This was a coordinated effort. I strain to take control of the situation as he follows me around, then steps in front of me to get my full attention.
“Yep, group text and everything.”
My phone is at my desk. Did I miss a notification? Can texts go to spam? My stomach turns in knots.
He intercepts me. “We didn’t include you on purpose.”
I knew it. My friends hate me. It’s fine. I’ll make new ones. Orion can leave, and I’ll head upstairs and cry in the shower.
I don’t move. His hand gently lifts my chin so I’m looking at him. “It’s a casual get-together. You didn’t need to be involved in planning. I thought it would be a fun surprise for you. All you need to do is show up.”
“I don’t understand.”
“You’re an over-planner. You would have made a spreadsheet?—”
“Then we would have everything we need.”
“We have everything. If we’re missing something, we’ll go to the store. It’s a few blocks away.”
“So, you don’t hate me?”
He rolls his eyes. “I might have to spank you for even thinking that.”
Don’t threaten me with a good time.
I don’t know how to respond to this. In the past, my friends have loved the effort I put into planning events. They would have jumped at the chance to let me take over.
And I probably would’ve neglected some work to squeeze it into my day, and then worked late into the night while someone comments on how effortless it was for me.
I walk to my living room and pick up an orange tree seedling I have on a windowsill.
He follows me, because of course he did. I hand him the pot. “Here. It’s a housewarming gift.”
He laughs, a sound so warm I want to drown in it. “Thank you.” He sets the pot on my coffee table and pulls me in for a hug. I inhale his scent.
“It’s the neighborly thing to do,” I say, clinging to his T-shirt.
“Of course. I’ll see you in a few minutes.” He releases me. I hate it.
As soon as he leaves, I run upstairs to my home yoga studio. It was the first space I renovated when the house passed to me. I replaced the bedroom carpet with hardwood, and mounted mirrors over an entire wall. I keep the lights off, letting the filtered sunlight from the window fill the room as I unroll my mat.
It’s been years since my anxiety has run away like this. I need to push it down and push it away. Orion came into my life like a storm. I have no preparations completed. I need to throw my shutters closed and keep him out.
I’ve learned a few things in the last twenty-four hours.
I might actually like Orion. I’m attracted to him. That was never in doubt. But for a brief period, he was mine. Sure, he’d met Haley during our charter, and knew Alex from before. But we had a special relationship. I was the one he shared rum with on his boat. I was the one he messed with because he knows I can take it. I don’t know how he figured it out, when everyone treats me like I am breakable and need protection. Something nice and pretty to look at but never to engage with. I was the calming presence. Never the life of the party, even if I was the one who planned it.
Now he knows everyone, and they smile at him. And he and Haley have some kind of code they speak.
Okay, maybe she’s explaining the recipe she’s making.
I’m polite and drink my rum punch out of my tumbler and pretend I haven’t fucked him and then rejected him and now want to throw myself at him. Damn the consequence and the ultimate dismissal and heartache I would face.
Why did he have to bring up orgies?
All I could think about was his sweat and my sweat, and he smelled so good standing in my office, and I wanted to reach for him and pull him close.
Haley sits down on the chair next to me. “You okay?” she asks.
“Yes.”
“Come on, I know that face. Are you mad we planned this without you? It was Orion’s idea and I have to admit it was a good one.”
“No, it’s not that.”
“Then what is it?”
“It’s nothing. Adding a new person to the group changes the dynamics. I’m working on it.” After yesterday and feeling like I had to do everything even around fully functioning adults, I can admit it’s nice to have the burden lifted. I can’t remember the last time someone did something for me. I look to Orion, who’s laughing with Autumn and Christian.
“Uh huh.” Haley doesn’t appear convinced but doesn’t want to push more.
Orion would. He’s figured out what buttons to push for a reaction and I don’t know how that happened. But Haley doesn’t push. She lets me stay hidden.
I’ve already shared more of myself with Orion than I have with her, beyond the sex. He knows all my fears. If I had known it would be like this, would I have changed anything?
He looks at me and I want to look away. For anyone else, I would look away. Instead, I hold his gaze. He’s reading me. What does he see?
“Sorry, everyone. I would play some music, but my neighbor doesn’t like it when I’m loud,” he proclaims.
“Oh lordy,” Haley mumbles. “Here we go.”
“Why would I complain about it now?” I ask. “I’m right here.”
“I don’t know,” he says. “You’re notoriously difficult to deal with.”
“Hey! She was perfectly pleasant when we chartered your yacht.” Haley might be Team Orion at times, but the second he picks on me, she’s ready to fight.
“It’s fine,” I tell her. I almost reach to touch her arm but pull back. “If everyone thinks I’m easy to deal with except you, maybe you’re the problem,” I say.
“You wound me.” He fakes an arrow to the heart.
“You have weird vibes,” Autumn says. She’s an elementary school teacher and doesn’t hang out with us often. I’ve never really understood it. She and Christian are beautiful people. But I’ve never met two people with less chemistry.
I’ve often wondered if they hide it until they are home.
“I should grow my hedges taller, so I don’t ever have to look at your yard.” It’s my turn to watch him struggle to maintain composure. We haven’t been suggestive in front of others, and he’s thinking about a trimmed bush.
It’s comforting that we have this shared communication, and he’s proved I can trust him with a secret. I feel warm and protected, regardless of the look on my face.
“I don’t care what you do with your bushes as long as you two don’t bring it into the bar,” Alex says. “The locals’ section must stay conflict free.”
“Scout’s honor,” Orion says before winking at me and turning back to the grill.
The food is good, as it always is when Haley cooks. Orion helps her, and I watch for flirting. It’s not there. If he does stay in Wendell Beach longer than the winter, he’ll find someone else to date, since I told him it won’t be me. He’s too good of a man to be single for long. It’s a possibility I’ll prepare for, even if it might have broken me to watch it happen the day after he had his arms around me.
I should have let his hands continue their journey into my swimsuit bottom.
I should have pulled him into the cabin and helped him out of his wet shorts.
We could have watched the sunset from my bedroom.
But I can’t have a fling with my next-door neighbor. There’s no outcome that doesn’t end awkward or with heartbreak or with one of us giving up something that matters to our very souls. I see how much this house means to him. How proud he is to share it with our friends. I see the vision he has for it.
His gaze finds mine again, and I wonder if it’s obvious what I’m thinking.
After food and drinks and a glorious sunset, everyone says their goodbyes.
“You don’t have to help me clean up,” he says. It’s the two of us in his backyard, lit magically with string lights that almost look like stars overhead.
“It’s no problem. You’ve been up all day.”
“So have you,” he replies.
“Look, I know you want to say something about me being a people pleaser and helping you clean up because it’s the ‘right thing to do.’ Seriously, you’re being stubborn. And not letting me help to prove a point about me is just as dumb.”
“So, you don’t want to fight about who does the dishes?”
“No, I want the dishes to get done. We can fight about how you load the dishwasher or something.”
“I’ll definitely have issues with your rinsing technique.”
“Wonderful.” I usher him into his house, and I’m once again hit by the sense this is a home. Orion has left his mark on this space. My place doesn’t feel like me as much as this feels like Orion.
The tiny orange tree has a prominent place on his kitchen counter. I smile.
The kitchen is large so it’s easy for us to move around each other. I don’t have any reason to casually bump into him as much as I do. He doesn’t need me to touch his triceps as I reach past him for a lid.
He also doesn’t react.
I can’t help myself. I don’t remember the last time someone else touched me. My friends don’t give me hugs, and I don’t offer them.
I’m processing this realization when he pulls his phone out of his pocket. “Shit, I should take this.” He moves down the hallway to answer the call.
I don’t think anything of it so I go outside to grab the remaining condiments. When I’m back inside, he’s in the kitchen again.
“No, the house is unpacked. Just had some friends over.” Pause. “Yeah, of course. If you’re ever in the area… Bye.” He has a concerned look on his face when he turns around and sees me.
“Everything okay?” I ask.
“Yes.” He leans back against the counter and crosses his arms. He’s still for a few breaths. “That was an ex.”
“Oh.” My stomach twists. We haven’t talked much about past relationships, other than when he mentioned he’d been tested after his last girlfriend. I have no idea when that was. It could have been the week before we hooked up. And he knows about Hamilton. But I have no right to ask about anyone he’s been with. I’ve made a lot of assumptions about what he’s done in the past. Most of it is probably unfair.
He raises an eyebrow as he waits for further comment.
“I didn’t know you were the committing type,” I reply. I’d imagined he’d meet someone, but I don’t know what that looks like for him. Does he do relationships?
He runs a hand through his hair. “It’s complicated.”
His brown eyes hold mine. I wish I could trap all their color at once. If I found a dye that was all that sunshine and warmth, I’d sell out of every pair of leggings.
But he doesn’t owe me an explanation of what he’s done in the past. We’re not together. We’re not moving toward anything except friendship. Despite that, I find myself wanting to know every fact about him. I want to know his scars and his tattoos and every person who’s broken his heart.
What I’ve seen of him is the surface, and he has depths I can’t imagine. I want to explore them all.
He doesn’t say anything, so I break the silence. “Let me guess. She wants you back? Pregnant with your child?”
“Definitely not the latter, maybe the former.” He shifts and rests his forearms on the opposite counter. “We hadn’t been together long when I decided to move to Florida. She was coming with me at first but thought it was a temporary thing. We’d sail down, spend a few weeks in the Keys, head back to Boston. Then I bought a house. She wasn’t upending her life for someone she just met.”
The thought of someone else in bed with him on the Twisted Rigging turns my stomach. I know it’s happened, but I want the boat to be our spot. I want to be special to him.
“Why did you take the call, then? If it’s clearly over for you?” I hope it’s over for him.
The possessiveness I feel toward him doesn’t help anything.
“We very briefly lived together. Sort of. It wasn’t anything official. I don’t like other people on my boat for extended periods.” He waves his hand in the air. “Not important. It was winter. Anyway, I had her place as my shipping address on a couple of websites. I placed an order and didn’t realize until it was too late. I’ve been trying to coordinate with her to get it to my sister.”
“Oh, that’s logical,” I say. Because it is. “Were you together long?” It’s possible I was a rebound fuck to him.
“A couple of months,” he says.
They lived together? I don’t voice the thought because I don’t want to sound like I’m judging him. I’m not, but that’s a level of seriousness I’ve never achieved in a relationship. The goal was to marry Hamilton and I still couldn’t bring myself to live with him. I didn’t think Orion was the committing type. None of this makes sense to me.
He grabs a dish and loads the dishwasher. “I tend to burn hot and then burn out. I meet someone, convince myself she’s the one. Then a couple weeks later, it’s done.”
My gut absolutely clenches, a feeling so awful it might be permanent. I can’t imagine a future where it won’t toss and turn. This conversation will wreck me.
I’m right to keep my distance from him. I won’t survive this man deciding to walk away from me. It would be so much more. He would dismiss me and move on without a second thought.
I want to say something, but I’m frozen.
He finishes with the dishwasher and then stares at me. I lean against the counter because I need it to hold me up.
“Anyway, she wanted to hold my package until I go back to Boston. I told her my sister will swing by this weekend.”
“Good. It’s good to get your stuff.” I wipe the counter with a cloth he had out.
“Carina.” His voice is a plea.
“What?” I say, giving him my full attention.
He doesn’t answer—his eyes beg me to understand. I wish I couldn’t read him so well, because while I know what he wants from me, I don’t know what I want him to say. That I’m right and we have no future. Or he’s changed and we’re different.
I let the moment pass and return to cleaning up the kitchen.