Chapter 17
seventeen
CARINA
If I think of the call I had as being with my investors, then it feels like less of a gut punch. If Jeffrey Webb and Hamilton Kane are strangers, and I can pretend they shouldn’t know my values and my passions, then I won’t be so angry. But they’re my father and ex-boyfriend. They should, so the thought experiment is short.
I pour myself a glass of wine because I need a moment to myself. I realize I’m so defensive, I’m talking myself into doing something I don’t need permission for—I’m an adult. I can have wine.
The business portion of the call was grueling enough. Normal Webb Group patronizing for sure. But after an hour, my father kicked everyone off to have a “father/daughter” chat. I braced myself because I knew what was coming.
My mother was making a fool out of herself running around with younger men. I should settle down with someone stable. Don’t I realize how good Hamilton is doing at the firm?
The same Hamilton who spent the first thirty minutes of the meeting pointing out everything wrong with what I was doing.
It’s the same lecture over and over. My dad thinks I need a partner. The way he describes his vision for me, it’s more like he thinks I would benefit from someone corralling me. Someone to guide my business career. Otherwise, dating and relationships are a waste of time. My father believes in me. But he believes in the patriarchy more.
“You could have tried a little harder with Hamilton. I think you gave up too soon. You don’t want those years you spent with him to go to waste, do you?”
As if instead of dates with Hamilton, I could have been working on my business.
My phone vibrates and I see a text from Orion.
Orion
Back
It’s accompanied by a selfie of him and his kayak with my house in the background. His version of proof of life.
I clench my jaw and look out the window behind me. From here, I see him hosing off the kayak in his driveway. He’s gone out every day this week. Sometimes early in the morning or late in the afternoon. It varies depending on if he’s in the office or has a charter. As he said he would, he texts me every time. And every time I think I’m fine knowing he’s out on the water. Thinking it doesn’t bother me. Every time, I relax a little when he’s back safe. The tension I hold in my shoulders releases.
I’m used to paddleboarding on my own. The first time I went out after he moved in, I’d considered making a big show of not telling him. Letting him know I’m experienced and not worried. But as I got my board down from its rack, I realized how smart it is to have someone watching out for me.
I could have texted Haley. She would care. She might even have joined me. But Orion is closer, and it makes so much sense. It has nothing to do with wanting him. So I’d texted him I was headed south and shared my location with him.
Temporarily, of course.
He crawled his way into my life, and I don’t think he’s trying or even realizes it. It’s not that we’re watching for each other. It’s that we use the same grocery store, we hang out at the same bar, and that was nothing compared to the shock of seeing him in my office two days ago. Of course he’d be hanging out with Christian. I’d wondered if he’d take me up on the yoga offer, so I checked our class rosters. Sure enough, he took power flow with Vanessa yesterday. I was tempted to ask her what he was like, but it felt like an invasion of his privacy. If he’s not coming to my class, then he doesn’t want me involved in his yoga practice.
Which I didn’t even know he had.
I want to know everything about him.
A few times a day, I see him in passing, or I see him get out of his SUV. Every time, my heart skips a beat.
Today, he’s wearing a long-sleeve sun shirt and shorts. He clearly jumped in the water because everything clings to him, and his hair falls in waves that should come with a warning message.
And none of it is helping me with my anger toward my dad and Hamilton.
The last straw comes when Orion turns on his speaker and starts playing fucking country music. Again. I storm out of my office and onto my porch overlooking his garage.
“Hey fuckhead, can you turn that down?” This is a huge escalation in temper. I need some kind of outlet, not just from work, but from Orion. I already went for a run, yoga won’t help, and there is only so much my vibrator can do. The wine was my last-ditch effort.
He looks at me with pretend confusion and then to the hose in his hand. I can feel him thinking it. I’m wearing light blue leggings and a white cardigan over a matching blue crop top. I make quality clothing, so getting it wet won’t make it see-through. But I don’t want to encourage him.
“I didn’t know it was your nap time. I’m so sorry, princess,” he says.
I glare at him, but my anger eases. “It’s common courtesy to not inflict your music tastes on others.” He knows I’m bullshitting. We live on the beach. We can hear at least three other speakers from where we stand. It’ll be so much worse when we get to spring break.
He marches over to his speaker and makes a demonstration of turning it off. “Happy now?”
“Delighted.”
“See, I think you’re lying. You won’t be happy until I turn my place into a private meditation retreat center. Even though you’ve benefited from my loud music and party-hosting capabilities.”
I grind my teeth. I’m more than that , I want to yell. I’m more than the calm person everyone thinks I am . Of course, my father did tell me to calm down today when I spoke up to counter an idea.
“It doesn’t matter,” I call back. “I’ll wait you out. You’ll be bored of Florida and sailing away in no time. Your house listed on Airbnb.” The thought of his place becoming a vacation rental is more upsetting than it should be.
Something flashes in his eyes, and somehow I’ve struck a nerve.
He told me this is what he does. He convinces himself he wants something and tires of it in no time. It doesn’t matter that he’s made his house feel like a sanctuary I could weather any storm in. He won’t stay. I’m sure of it.
“You want me gone so you’re not tempted every day,” he says.
“No!” I protest too much.
“Admit you’d miss me if I left.” He pulls off his wet shirt and tosses it onto a pile of towels. My eyes widen at the muscle on display. I’ve seen it before. I’m used to being around strong bodies all the time. It shouldn’t affect me.
I turn away to stop myself from staring. It’s him that affects me.
“Carina.” He says my name like a song. “Look at me.”
I don’t.
“Last warning.”
“Last warning for what?” I barely have the question out of my mouth before a spray of water hits me, completely drenching my side. “Oh, for fuck’s sake! That was unnecessary!”
I hear him laugh as I move toward the back of my house. I have towels stored on the pool deck. I have no desire for him to learn if my nipples poke through the fabric. But he follows me, and as soon as I grab a towel I turn, prepared to counter whatever attack he has coming for me.
He stops me with a kiss.
All thought leaves my brain.
My hands rest against his chest and I almost push him away. Instead, I wrap my arms around his waist and pull him closer. He effortlessly moves us against the side of the house. His hands cradle my head. His lips are soft, and he tastes like the sea. It shouldn’t be good. But it’s uniquely him and exactly what I need.
He breaks the kiss.
I almost whine at the separation, but I catch myself. “You kissed me,” I say.
“Water didn’t get you to stop thinking. Had to change tactics. Do you want to talk about it?” His face is full of concern as he steps out of my reach.
“Talk about the kiss?” Can we do it again?
“No, whatever’s on your mind.”
The fight falls out of me. Of course he knows I’m upset about something else and not his music.
“No, that’s not part of the deal.” I lean against the porch railing and close my eyes. I let the music from someone else’s yard disappear until all I hear are waves crashing on the beach. Orion stands next to me, not touching. But close enough to feel the heat radiating off his skin and the smell of sea salt.
Fuck, I love it so much. I want nothing more than to completely collapse in on him and let him take away my frustration. He might be my friend and clearly thinks it’s okay to kiss his friends. But he didn’t sign up to take on my emotional needs.
Though it couldn’t hurt to share some of my problems.
“Fine.” I cave. “I had a strategy session with one of my investors. His team thinks if I downplay the sustainability aspect of the clothing, it will reach a wider audience.”
“Do they think people specifically not buy because it’s sustainable? Like people think, ‘Fabric’s soft. Looks nice. Too bad it’s not harming the planet as much as those other pants.’”
“Exactly. For some it’s a selling point. Others a bonus. No one treats it as a deterrent. But he thinks environmental concerns are a niche market.”
“Sounds dumb.”
“And then. Then . They had the audacity to tell me since their approach is guaranteed to sell more, I am actually hurting the environment by not doing things their way.”
“Carina, they’re gaslighting you.”
I’m not prepared for the ferocity with which he comes to my defense. “I know. What am I supposed to do? He’s my biggest investor.”
Orion’s eyes wander to my backyard. I expect him to offer some advice about standing up for myself or to mansplain environmentally conscientious living, but he doesn’t.
“You said you got the house in your parents’ divorce?”
“Yes. They kept arguing over who would get it, so they put it in a trust for me when I turned eighteen.” I’m thankful for the change in topic. It’s an old wound. It doesn’t hurt as much.
“So, you came here a lot as a kid?”
I nod. “Met Haley collecting seashells on the beach. Alex used to chase me out of the locals’ section. She’d yell at him since it wasn’t fair. I would’ve lived in Wendell Beach then if I could.”
“You had to stay then, to spite him.”
“I’m sure he feels that way.” I smile.
“And your parents? Do they visit?”
It occurs to me that this conversation was an odd segue. He doesn’t know the bad marketing advice is coming from the man who raised me.
“Not often. They’re busy,” I say. I wait for the follow-up about me visiting home.
“Did you ever think about selling and getting a smaller place?”
“No,” I blurt out. It’s more house than I need, and I purposefully avoid thinking about its carbon footprint. It’s an indulgence. “My parents might have made terrible memories here, but I have good ones. I want to pass that on to my children.”
“Your children?” he questions.
My barriers have fallen around him. I don’t know how to rebuild them. “You surprised I want kids?” I search his eyes for a reaction.
“No, just hard when you don’t date.”
Any other person I would smile and comment on my schedule and timing. But I can’t stand judgment from him. “Fuck off.” I push away from the railing. “Why did you move here, then? If you didn’t know anyone besides Alex and clearly aren’t close to him.”
“I like sweating,” he says as if that’s an answer.
“What?”
“I like sweating, so I decided to move to a swamp.”
I shake my head. My eyes burn. It’s not fucking fair that I open my soul to him repeatedly and then he gives me that bullshit. He pushes me to open up. He’s the one who made me come undone, and he gives me nothing.
He sighs, then looks at me with serious eyes. “Last fall, a wave knocked over my kayak and my paddle hit me in the head. I was unconscious when I hit the water.”
“Oh my god.” He could have died.
“I came to quick enough and was able to flip upright. I took a hard look at my life. I’d been drifting my entire adult life. I wanted to settle down.”
“So, you came to Florida to go wife hunting? A state that denies the existence of queer people and forces people to give birth?”
“You’re here too, princess.”
“I am trying to make the world a better place.”
“So don’t let your investors talk you into downplaying the part of your business you care most about!”
“What?” How the hell did we get back here?
“You care about your home and the environment. You wouldn’t give this house up for anything. You love this island, and I love how much you love it. Even though you know how bad Florida gets hit with extreme weather. So don’t back down with them. Especially not when it matters,” he shouts.
“It’s not that simple.” But he’s right, and he cares, and I need this so bad.
“I can play my music loudly every day at this time if you need to yell at me.”
I smile. “What are we doing?” I ask, even more exhausted than I was before.
“We’re being friends. I’m guessing you don’t complain to anyone.”
“I have Haley and Sienna.”
“You didn’t reach out to either one to vent.”
“To be honest, you were closer.”
He sighs heavily. “It’s always nice to be chosen for proximity reasons.”
“Oh please. Don’t pretend your interest in me is more than geography based.”
“Come on, Carina. If I didn’t want to be around you, I wouldn’t be around you. Please tell me you have enough self-esteem to know that.”
I want to be around him. No matter what he told me about wanting to settle down, he’s a flight risk. I feel raw. I need to get away from him. I reach for the door handle, but he grabs me from behind. I expect to be spun around and for him to kiss me. Instead, he tosses me over his shoulder and walks us toward my pool.
“Put me down!” I don’t know if I mean it.
“Don’t worry, I will.”
I wiggle, trying to escape his grasp, but he’s strong. For my effort, there’s nothing I can do. I feel momentarily weightless and then I’m underwater. He holds me while he does it. Cradling my head so I’m safe, and then immediately releases me so I can surface on my own.
“You bastard!” I swim to the shallow end, and he laughs behind me as he follows. We’re both standing in my pool, water dripping down our skin, my cardigan clinging to my chest, staring at each other.
It wouldn’t take much effort to close the distance between us so I could run my fingers through his hair. I remember how good he feels. I want it again.
It’s a terrible idea.
The heat falls out of me. “I should go.” I need him to know I’m not mad at him. I just don’t want to fight anymore. “I have to send some emails.”
I get out of the pool and he follows. I grab us both towels. Instead of taking his, he pulls me in for a hug. It would be a friendly hug if he wasn’t shirtless. I accept, pressing my face into his neck because he’s warm and he’s here and he’s the only person to have touched me in weeks.
Any reasons beyond that can’t matter.