Chapter 25
twenty-five
ORION
I wake up in the morning to the sound of an alarm that isn’t mine. It takes a second for me to register I’m not in my bed. I’m in Carina’s. And I never want to leave. Partially because she’s with me, and partially because her sheets are softer than mine.
Would it be creepy if I buy a similar set? She’s so sure she won’t be visiting my bed again. She’d never know.
I check my watch and see it’s five a.m. “Why are you up this early?” I ask after she silences the alarm.
“I have six a.m. yoga.” She sounds as tired as I feel.
I roll over, bracing for pain in my back, but I feel fine. I wrap my arm around her stomach, expecting her to push me away. To tell me this is a friend sleepover, and friends don’t spoon. I don’t care. I’m risking it anyway. I thought I was dreaming when she asked me to stay. I don’t know what’s happening between us, but I’ll take every moment I get with her.
“You’re not teaching today,” I say.
She leans into me as she looks at her phone. It’s too early for morning wood, but I love her body against mine and the scent of orange blossoms that follows her everywhere.
“No, but I still practice at the studio. You don’t have to get up. You can go back to sleep if you want,” she says.
I kiss her shoulder. “You trust me to be alone in your house while you’re gone?”
“You won’t find anything interesting, except my vibrator.”
This woman has secrets on secrets. The fact she thinks I won’t find anything means she’s hiding from herself. “You could stay in bed. I could find it now.”
She locks her phone and falls back on her pillow. “You’re a bad influence on me.”
“I know. You like it.”
“I do. But it’s Monday, and I need an early start.”
She’s already checked her email. I’d assumed she wouldn’t do that until after her morning routine. Wasn’t that a thing mindful people did—no phones in the bedroom? I don’t comment and risk triggering her defensiveness. I don’t want that, not when she’s so soft in my arms.
“When do you have to be in the office?” she asks.
“Soon enough. I’m not sailing today, but I need to work on payroll,” I answer. “Maybe after my doctor’s appointment we can take the boat out.”
“I’d like that.” She smiles. “How is your back?”
“Much better. Thank you.”
“Of course. That’s what friends are for.”
“Friends sleep in the same bed as their friends?” My hand rests on the inside of her leg in a way that feels very not-friendly.
“Friends help friends deal with their problems. Like back pain and stress.”
“Sure.” I kiss her forehead.
“I should get up.” She doesn’t move. She wants me to remove her shorts and my shirt and remind her how good I can make her feel. She can pretend this is simply sex or friendship, but she took care of me and kept me close all night. She feels more than she is willing to let on.
I can wait until the boat tonight to get her naked again.
I roll away from her and let her sit up. We take turns in the bathroom, and I put on my shorts. I move to give her back the T-shirt, but she tells me to keep it.
The boat that night goes about the same as before. The doctor cleared me for activity if it isn’t high intensity. I overextended some muscles, so rest and stretching my hips will fix the problem. Once we are on the boat, Carina insists on doing the heavy lifting, and I’m happy to let her. She is stronger than she appears.
I wait patiently for some indication this trip will take a turn. That the two of us will end up below deck again. She looks relaxed. Happy, even. Her face is turned to the sun. She doesn’t take one of my shirts when I offer.
“Can we anchor here?” she asks as Wendell Beach drifts out of sight. The water is only about thirty feet deep, so it’s not a problem.
“Any particular reason?” I’ll make her say it.
She steps in close to me. “I thought you might benefit from a massage.”
I lift my eyebrows. “I foam rolled before I left the house.”
“You’re difficult.” The wind blows her hair into her face. I brush it behind her ear. It’ll escape in a moment but I need a reason to touch her.
“We’re on the boat,” I say. “Things don’t have to be difficult. Just honest.”
She looks around at the emptiness of the sea. I want her to decide that here we can have each other. I don’t need her to pretend she’s perfect. I want her to want me the way I want her: raw, vulnerable, and free.
“I…” She closes her eyes. “I like sleeping with you.”
“Good. Because I like fucking you.”
She smiles. “It’s just sex. We’re friends. It’s a fling and no feelings are involved.”
“Sure.” My feelings already run deep. This isn’t like any relationship I’ve had before. Hers do too. She just won’t admit it.
“And we’re not telling anyone.”
I blink a few times, trying to convince myself I heard something different. “Why not?” I didn’t expect her to put out a press release but telling no one is restrictive.
I can already feel the thousand ways this woman will hurt me.
She breathes out and adjusts her shirt, not looking me in the eye. “We know what this is. We know what we’re doing. I don’t need anyone projecting more than friends with benefits.”
“Frenemies with benefits,” I correct as a defense.
“Whatever. You’re trying to find your footing here. When we get bored with each other, at least this way we can minimize the fallout.”
“What if there is something more here? What if we could be more than friends? We can’t keep that a secret forever.”
She looks skeptical. “Then let’s figure it out without any interference from others.”
She’s making excuses to keep me hidden. But I’m so desperate for her that I don’t care. I’ll be her secret if I get to keep and hold on to the things she hides from everyone else. I won’t get bored with her. I might have thought I felt this way with others, but this is different.
She’s mine, even if she doesn’t know it yet.
I should push for more concessions. I should ask for fidelity. But I don’t. I don’t want to spook her, and here on my boat, there is no one else. I am the only one who matters.
Instead, I cup her cheek and tilt her face up to meet mine. I kiss her, and in this kiss I promise her I’ll protect her secrets.
Then I lead her to my cabin, strip her down, and expose them all.