Chapter 30
thirty
ORION
I love watching Carina teach. I’ve made her weekly class a priority because I can’t get enough of her. I love watching her do the thing she loves. I could get grumpy for an arbitrary reason, but I want to see her sharing her knowledge and her unconditional love of nature.
Of course we have a ton of fun. She’s paddled here before and navigates us through the waters. She could go so much faster than the rest of us but pauses to point out wildlife. More than once, she’s asked by someone passing if she’s a tour guide.
She laughs, and I love everything about it.
I’ve fallen in love with her, and she doesn’t even know. She won’t admit we’re more than fuck buddies and is still convinced I’ll leave at any moment.
Soon, we’ll have a conversation. I’ll get through this trip with Brooklynn, and then I’ll have Carina to myself again.
I pull up next to her. “You want to hand me your phone?”
She looks over at Brooklynn and Spencer who float a little behind us on the river. “You don’t have to do this,” she says.
“It’s fine. This place is beautiful. You’re dressed completely in your gear. Let me take a few pictures.”
She thinks it over for a moment, then gets her phone from her dry bag and hands it to me with her hat and sunglasses. She paddles a short distance away so it’s only her in the shot.
“You two do this a lot?” Brooklynn asks, pulling up alongside me.
“Paddle together? A few times,” I say.
“No, the picture-taking thing,” Brooklynn says.
Carina never asks me to, but I offer often. It’s a chance to get her to show off. I’d capture every moment with her if I could. “A few times.”
“He would make a very good Instagram boyfriend,” Carina says.
She’s said it before but this time it hurts. Because I want to be her Instagram boyfriend. I don’t care how much time I spend taking pictures of her as long as I get to be with her.
“You can do a video,” Carina says. “Then you don’t have to get the exact moment. I’m going to do a headstand.”
“Wait, what?” Spencer says, his eyes shooting between Carina and me.
Neither Carina nor I respond. It’s better if he watches her.
I check the background, so she’s centered. “Ready.”
She places her forearms on her board, clasping her hands together, and braces her head between them. She slowly inverts, making it look easy when the board is moving and tilting ever so slightly in the river. She stays steady for several seconds and then falls out.
“You okay?” I ask. She’s not in the water, but something might be wrong. I grip my paddle with my free hand, ready to be at her side in an instant.
“Yep,” she calls back. “Can we go again?”
I give her a thumbs-up, and she repeats.
This time she doesn’t fall, but instead inverts and moves her legs through several variations before landing softly on her feet.
Brooklynn cheers. “I can’t believe you did that! That’s amazing!”
Carina shrugs. “I’ve been practicing for years.” It’s the closest she’ll come to self-praise.
We paddle back with enough time to catch the mermaid show in the underwater theater, and Brooklynn is absolutely amazed.
“I clearly missed my calling,” she says. “I should have moved here and become a mermaid.”
I look to Carina. There’s one siren I’m completely mesmerized by.
The day passes slowly and lazily. We stop at the park’s tiki restaurant for lunch. Carina is tired, and I’m sure that’s why her chair rubs against mine.
“I should send pictures to Alex and Haley,” Carina says, her mind always on work.
I was the one to suggest pictures earlier, but I wish I had her to myself. She shifts closer to me for a selfie, her head temporarily resting on my shoulder, and my breath stops.
In one second, everything in my life feels utterly perfect.
“You really putting that on the internet?” I ask. She’s never posted a similar selfie in the time I’ve followed her Instagram.
“It’s for me,” she says, her head tilting as she considers the framing. I want to kiss her temple and ask her to send it to me but I see Brooklynn watching us.
We head to the swimming area, where I want to have Carina in my arms. I want to hold her as we float and find some spot to hide. She’s all I can focus on.
Instead, we take advantage of the cool water to get a break from the heat. I’m amazed Carina is the first to suggest we go down the water slides.
Hours later, when we pack up the car, she hands me the keys.
“Really?” I ask.
She nods. “I might fall asleep.”
“You sleeping okay?” I ask with a smirk.
“Yes. It’s been a long day.” Her lips press together as she suppresses a smile.
We stop for coffee on the drive back. I hate that my sister is here because I want to reach across the center console and take Carina’s hand in mine.
Once we’re back in Wendell Beach, I pull into Carina’s driveway and help her unload the car. “You two go in,” I call to Spencer and Brooklynn. “I’ll put some burgers on the grill later so we can relax in the pool.” They nod and go inside. “You want to join us?”
I want her to so much.
“I’ll pass. I need to wind down on my own for a bit,” she says.
I nod because I understand the feeling. But I’m also realizing that being with her is as restful as being alone.
“Have a good night,” I respond. “I’ll text you if we go to Paradise or something.”
I take a leap and step in close to kiss her forehead. She doesn’t object. She closes her eyes. It’s affection for the sake of affection. It’s not the deep kiss I want. With Carina, I’ll take anything I can get.
“I’ll see you soon,” she says.
Much later that night, after dinner and beers, while Spencer watches college football, Brooklynn helps me with the dishes.
“I’m glad you’re settling in so well,” she says.
“I don’t know why you were worried,” I answer.
“Honestly, Orion, we thought you would set up the new business and move on.”
I grind my teeth. “Is it so hard to believe I’ve changed?”
“When you told me you were doing this? Yes. But now I get it.”
“Good.”
“Will you come home for Thanksgiving, at least?”
I haven’t been around for many holidays. I don’t know why she suddenly cares now. “I’ll see. I have a friend who’s a chef, so Mom and Dad need to step up their food game.”
“I’ll tell them to practice.” Brooklynn laughs. “And Carina?”
“What about her?”
“How long have you been seeing her?”
I put down the knife I’m drying. “A few weeks?” I’m not sure of the exact timeline at this point. If the first time on my boat counts as the starting point. She’s been on my mind this entire time.
“Why didn’t you tell me?”
She was watching all day. “It’s not serious, and she wants to keep it a secret. She has a reputation to maintain.”
“And you’re, what, something dirty that needs to be hidden?”
“No, that’s not it.” I take a few breaths in. “You haven’t been around Alex in a while. He and everyone else get in everyone’s business. This is our chance to see if it’s something before people start asking questions.” That’s what I tell myself. Until I can convince Carina this is more than a fling. It’s something lasting.
“That’s not what you said. You said she has a reputation to maintain. Look, I’m trying to take care of my little brother. And you deserve to be with someone who cares about you as much as you care about them. You clearly care for her.”
“I do.”
“And for what it’s worth, I think she cares about you too. She wouldn’t have let you drive her car if she didn’t. That’s why I don’t like that it’s a secret.”
“I appreciate the concern. But we’re fine. I’m fine with how things are with us,” I repeat.
“Okay, if you say so.”
Brooklynn lets it go. But I can’t. So after the dishes are done and the football game is off and I’m alone in my room, I pull out my phone. My body aches. I’m not getting enough rest. I won’t sleep now because I’ll be replaying this conversation over in my head. I also won’t sleep if I’m about to be rejected. But I hit send on the text anyway.