Chapter 39
thirty-nine
CARINA
I thought my world would end with the fabrics scandal. But then I saw how it is possible for wounded things to carry on. Nebula Athletics has a future. There is so much more for me to do and grow with it.
Orion and I have no future. It was always going to end. I needed to do it on my terms.
I knew exactly what I was doing yesterday. I saw what happened with Sienna and Beckett. Time was also running out for Orion and me. So, I took the things most sacred to us and lit them on fire. There is no saving us.
I burned it down. The taunting that made me feel seen. The jokes that made me safe. The sex that was the best of my life.
It’s gone.
He saw right through me even at my worst. But even he can’t right this ship.
I believe he thinks he loves me, but I can’t wait for him to figure out what that means to him. For him to realize we’re the same as every other relationship he’s had—that sometimes love isn’t enough.
It’s over, and I question if I did the right thing. I could have held on longer. Nothing could hurt worse than this. Holding on longer would have given me more time with him. I’d be left with the pain, but I could have had more joy.
At least now no one knows. And no one will. The next few days are about Sienna and her breakup.
What kind of friend would I be if I brought up my own?
I feel hollow when I pick up Sienna from the airport in Sarasota. Haley and I didn’t know what to expect—if she’d be sad or mad—but she hugs us both tight at baggage claim. I can’t remember her ever hugging me before. At least not since college. Her long brown hair is disheveled and there are heavy bags under her eyes.
“That fucking bastard,” she spits.
“I know,” I say. “Fuck him.”
On the car ride back, she lists the signs she should’ve seen and every excuse she believed. “I didn’t think marriage would change him, you know? But I thought we were on the same page. And he fucking knows how much I hate my dad for what he did to my mom.”
Haley and I agree and nod and add in “fuck him” when appropriate. We never thought there was anything ever fundamentally wrong with their relationship, but we did want more for her, someone who would give her the attention she deserves. But this isn’t the time to tell her.
We spend the afternoon sorting through the vendors, canceling. We explain the situation, but most deposits are nonrefundable. I run errands, which is a mistake. I don’t want time alone in the car. I play a podcast to distract me.
I was reeling yesterday. The chaos at Paradise had been my worst fears come to life. I replayed my parents’ divorce in my head. The whispers I heard from my friends’ parents when they thought I couldn’t hear. Every time I doubt what I did, I remember why.
It was always better to fail in private than in public.
I don’t hold any of this against Sienna. She’s blameless in this. No one thinks it’s her fault Beckett strayed. Orion isn’t malicious the way we’ve learned Beckett is. But I would be held to a higher standard than Sienna. It would be my fault when he left.
I had to get out of the relationship before he left me. It was always ending, and I needed to do it on my terms. Before anyone found out about us. I thought I could save myself the public humiliation and the private pain.
But the private pain lingers.
No, it’s better this way. His love will burn out and fade. I desperately wanted to backtrack when he said it. I wanted to throw caution to the wind and leap into his arms. But it was too late. Love has never been anything but temporary.
And I’ve fallen in love with him. I fight back tears every time I accidentally let the thought cross my mind. I will hold on to this forever.
I thought about saying it when we were at the table at Paradise yesterday, the two of us. It wasn’t the post-sex haze. I reach for him every morning even when he’s not there. I worry about him when he’s out on the boat. I can’t imagine a day without seeing him smile.
I have to tell myself this pain is temporary, even if I don’t believe it yet.
I pick up Sienna’s wedding dress on the mainland and explain the situation. They offer their condolences and provide a list of places to sell the dress. I think Sienna wants to throw red paint on it. But I’ll make her wait before she pulls out the art supplies.
When I get home, I’m surprised to find Beckett’s parents, Lisa and Mitchell, in my living room.
I step back to give them privacy, but Sienna stops me. “Wait, don’t go. We’re finishing up.” All their eyes are red.
Lisa smiles at me. “It’s so good to see you, Carina. Even under these circumstances.” She pauses for a moment. “We were waiting for you to get back. I met your neighbor, Orion. We stopped at Paradise for lunch and Alex introduced us. He mentioned you made some branded shirts for him. We’re interested in a similar arrangement. Something nice that says Coastline Beach House. People still ask about your classes. I can’t believe I never thought of this before.”
I smile, not wanting to cry at the mention of Orion and how he’s helping me even after our breakup. “Of course. I’ll send a proposal your way this week.”
“Take your time,” Mitchell says. “We want you to take care of Sienna first. We’re not going anywhere.”
Lisa gives me a conspiratorial look. “We promise you won’t have to deal with our son.”
Sienna sees them out. When she returns, she collapses on the couch. “They think he’s is a disgrace to the world. They’ll pay for everything nonrefundable,” she explains.
“That certainly takes some stress off,” I say, fixing the throw pillows. I can’t imagine her grief. Not only losing the future she thought she had, but to find out it was a lie…
I don’t blame her for being angry.
“They’re also paying for the honeymoon and will transfer his ticket to someone else.”
“Wait, really? That’s incredibly generous.”
“They made some suggestion that Beckett will be the one paying. Which I guess they can do since he works for them.”
“Who are you taking?” I ask.
“You and Haley can flip a coin,” she says.
I gape. It didn’t occur to me she’d take me. Not that we’re not best friends, but I don’t deserve a free trip to the Maldives. Haley absolutely does. She helped Sienna pick the resort. She chattered on for days about how good the food is there, wanting Sienna to take pictures of everything and to steal recipes from the staff.
“Take Haley. She basically planned your wedding. She deserves it,” I say. Orion will think I’m being a martyr about this, but this is fair to me.
“She did have to see Beckett’s penis.” She’s thoughtful as she says it.
“See, something to bond over.”
She’s able to laugh and that assures me she will be okay.
That evening, Bristol arrives with Autumn. Haley spent the afternoon in the kitchen making our favorite breakup snacks. The rosé might have been opened early.
No rum or cocktails today.
I took the longest shower of my life, thinking I could get all my tears out of my system and they wouldn’t plague me any longer.
It didn’t work, but I smile as I play hostess.
“I feel a little weird intruding on this,” Autumn says. “Since you’re all single and I’m not.”
“It’s fine,” Sienna says. “Christian is one in a million and we don’t hold other men to his standard.”
“Maybe we should.” Bristol pours us each a large glass of wine. “What? I know my brother is a great husband.”
We turn to Autumn. “He is. He is my best friend. I know he’s more your friend than I am, and I’m not around you often. He and I have different lives. It’s totally fine.”
We feel tension in the room. Something is going on in her marriage that she doesn’t want to talk about.
I can’t help but wonder if, for a brief period of time, Orion was my best friend. The person I shared my secrets with and spent all my time with.
“Okay, I’m declaring girls’ night rules,” Sienna says. “No talking about men!”
“Men, or exes?” I ask. “Because you do have exes who are women.”
“Men. The patriarchy is the problem, not the dating.”
We blast Ashley Ferris and sing our hearts out to every one of her breakup songs.
“No one writes about love the ways she does,” Autumn says, the superfan in the room.
I only hide in the bathroom once to get myself together. I want to explode and tell them everything about Orion. But I can’t, even though every word, every chorus feels like a knife.
I bundle everything up and push it down.