Chapter 41
forty-one
CARINA
I can always count on Paradise to be a little empty on Sunday afternoons. I need to get out of my house because I want to stay in bed. But I will not let Orion take anything more from me. He doesn’t get to change my life.
Sienna and Haley went to Sienna’s mom’s house. I bowed out, citing work. Which wasn’t a lie. But I also didn’t want to be around them.
I want to crumble.
I sit at the bar instead of a table. Bristol takes my usual order, and I hope she’ll engage and distract me. She’s about to make my cocktail when Alex walks behind the bar.
“Bristol, can you grab more limes for juicing?” he asks.
“Sure. You got Carina’s order? Hemingway daiquiri.” She walks away before he answers.
He takes one look at me and tilts his head. “You’re the reason why Orion was a surly bastard last night.”
My eye twitches. I didn’t think he’d go around talking about us now. “If he was mad at me, he would speak up. He doesn’t keep his thoughts to himself.”
Alex grabs a cocktail shaker and mutters something. He’s too fast and practiced for me to follow what liquids he’s using. When he sets it in front of me, it’s not the daiquiri I ordered. It’s a dusty rose and has a lime wedge and a raspberry on the rim.
“What’s this?” I ask.
“It’s called My Pride. It’s on the secret menu. It’s time you swallow it.”
“There’s nothing between Orion and me,” I grit out. I should have known Alex is like me. He doesn’t give a lot away, but inside he’s constantly churning.
“Normally, I would think Orion fucked up. But I know him and how he feels about you. He’s never said anything. You tried to keep it under wraps, but that man would crawl over broken glass for you. He didn’t fuck this up.”
I want to deny it with my very soul. Orion doesn’t get to force weakness out of me. But Alex is right. Orion didn’t do anything wrong.
I take a sip of the drink and I know it’s one of Orion’s favorites. I’ve tasted it on his lips.
I won’t let Alex force a confession out of me…but would it be so bad if he did? We’ve been friends for ages. I can admit to myself I’m miserable. Trying to fake it isn’t helping anything. Why does it have to be so hard to admit it to a friend? Other people let things off their chest. I’ve been listening to Sienna cry for days, and she feels better for it. And for whatever manipulations and meddling Alex has done, he’s never let me down.
Bristol appears again before I let everything out, and I plaster on a fake smile for her benefit. Alex walks away again, shaking his head at me.
I’ve been dreading this call. My father insists on check-ins every Tuesday to ensure damage control has been effective. I should appreciate knowing his criticism of me will be scheduled instead of spontaneous. But I feel raw. I’m not hiding anything the way I want to.
I checked the sign-up roster prior to attending class this morning. I don’t want to be in the same room as Orion. I can lead myself through practice, but I want to turn my brain off and have someone else tell me what to do.
He wasn’t there and I’m annoyed at myself for wishing he was. He said he wouldn’t reach for me, but I’m so selfish I want him to.
I haven’t seen him go out on the water. I thought he’d be out there every chance he got now that I’m not taking up time in his life. But my texts have been silent.
I was angry in class, and while I might have appeared calm on the surface, I was raging on the inside. I couldn’t keep my mind centered. I pushed myself harder than I needed. If I’m not dating, then I need to focus my attention on my business and my yoga practice. I have goals—I should be pushing toward them with every second I have.
At the end of the practice, I should have been loose, but I held tension everywhere in my body. The instructor guided us to half-split pose, and offered up the modification that anyone who had a splits practice could move into that expression.
I’ve been able to do the splits for a long time. It’s the way my body works with how my hips are formed and the way my tendons connect everything. My hips touch the ground and I lean forward over my front leg, searching for any type of sensation. I want my body to hurt so I can drown out the pain in my heart and in my head. I know better, but I move deeper than I should. The rules I give my students don’t apply to me.
After class, I wince. I stretched too far and now I feel a dull ache at the top of my right hamstring.
I shower in one of the studio’s changing rooms. Normally, I go home to refresh. But I’m avoiding my house. I knew this would happen with Orion. But I don’t get credit for being right.
I’m in my office, finishing up my makeup, when I hear Mackenzie.
“Mr. Kane, so good to see you. I didn’t know you were coming in today.”
I freeze. There’s no fucking way Hamilton is here.
“I’m in town for the wedding. I have a call scheduled with Carina. We might as well do it in person.”
His voice and arrogance are unmistakable. And of course, he thinks the wedding is still happening.
“Oh, that’s great…” Mackenzie starts as I step out of my office.
“Hamilton, come in,” I say in my most pleasant voice. Orion would be so disappointed in me. At least I didn’t call him Mr. Kane.
My ex smiles at me. We haven’t been in the same room together in at least a year. Work communications were long ago relegated to video conferences and the phone. I understand he’s an attractive man in his dark tailored suit and his perfectly styled hair. None of it matters to me.
It’s so out of place in Florida.
“Carina, good to see you.”
He steps into my office and I close the door behind him. I gesture for him to sit. My stomach clenches as I remember Orion sitting in the same chair after the fabrics news broke.
Orion brought me dinner. Hamilton could at least bring me coffee if he is angling for something with me. I have to assume that’s part of the reason he’s here in person.
He doesn’t sit, but instead reaches for my waist.
I jerk away. “Don’t touch me.”
“I’m saying hello. No need to be jumpy.”
“Do you touch your male CEOs like that?” I ask, sitting down in my chair.
He chuckles but sits across from me. “I haven’t dated any of the other CEOs I work with. Don’t pretend your relationship with the Webb Group is standard. You know you get special treatment.”
I grind my teeth. I understand the implication—my business wouldn’t get funded if my dad wasn’t in charge. It’s a pet project. A favor. “What are you doing in town anyway? The wedding is canceled.”
“We’ll see.”
“I spent my entire Saturday canceling the vendors. The only way Sienna and Beckett get married is if they go to the courthouse. And I will absolutely stand up and object.”
His eyes narrow on me. I dated this man for years. I know him inside and out. He has a terrible poker face.
“You wouldn’t.” He says it with absolute certainty. Like he knows me inside and out.
But he doesn’t. It’s only Orion who knows me.
Growing up, any time I shared my fears or worries with my parents, they brushed them off. I learned young that it was far easier to keep it bottled up. All those habits led me here. In this room with Hamilton. A man I could have easily married to please my father and because I thought he was good enough.
Things could be different. I could open up a little more. The ship has sailed with Orion, I can begin to accept that. But maybe I should have had Alex sit with me yesterday and let everything out. He’s navigating his own heartache. Maybe we could have become better friends.
I’m not letting my dad, or my mom, or fucking Hamilton dictate my future any longer.
“Whatever. I only want to talk about business with you today. Let’s get my dad on the line.” I open the video conference app on my computer.
“Jeffrey won’t make it today,” Hamilton explains. “He’s removing himself from your account. He wants me to take over. He thinks we’re a better fit as partners moving forward.”
My father had very little time for me growing up, so it’s not a surprise to me that he’s bored with the time he has for me now. I clench my teeth. My stomach queasiness turns to fire. I wish I was hurt. But I’m angry. I’ve used up all my hurt.
“Right.” I pull up the latest numbers on my screen, turning the monitor so he can see. “We’re doing fine. Customer surveys indicate they’re satisfied with the handling of the scandal. Most will buy from us in the future. A few indicate they appreciate the additional steps we’ve taken to educate the public on how clothing manufacturing works.”
“This looks good, but we need to revisit the change in marketing direction. We’ve discussed this on the phone. There are untapped avenues you can exploit.”
“What makes you think I’m ever trying to exploit something?” I ask.
“Carina, you’re being unnecessarily hostile today.”
“Oh fuck you, Hamilton.” I don’t think I’ve ever sworn in front of him. He wanted a pretty princess who designed her cute little yoga clothes and never made a fuss. I’m not that, and I won’t pretend anymore. “You don’t understand what I’m trying to do with Nebula Athletics. You never have. I don’t want you on my account if you are ignoring my vision.”
He sucks in a deep breath. “Jeffrey won’t like this.”
“Then he can take it up with me.” I don’t think my dad will cut my funding. But even if he does, we’ve been profitable for years. I don’t need him the way I used to. I can make it work. I won’t compromise on my values anymore. I won’t bend myself backward to get him to notice me. I stand. “Any additional discussion can be completed over email.”
“Carina, come on,” he protests.
“That’s your argument?” I step around the desk to open the door, but Hamilton grabs my elbow. “Don’t touch me!” I can’t stand him on my skin.
I spent years with him, thinking I would end up marrying him because I wouldn’t find anyone better, or because I had already given him so much of my time and I didn’t want to start over. But I’m done. I miss Orion, but even if I made a mistake, it’s not worth it to go back to this man who doesn’t see me.
Hamilton puts his hands up in defense, like I’m the one who’s done something inappropriate. “We can reschedule when you’ve calmed down. I’m here all week. You don’t have much planned, aside from anything with the wedding.”
I shake my head. I’m done engaging with him. I’ll accept the consequences, but I’m not letting him—or my father—make decisions for me or my business anymore.