Chapter 21 #2
Griffin closes his eyes, stretches his neck from side to side, shifts his weight from foot to foot. “I’m not going to tell you the full stories. It’s up to her to decide when she wants to share details. But Sam struggles to pace herself in relationships.”
He scratches his knuckles across his beard, clearly debating how much to say.
He finally shakes his head. “You’ve seen some of Jason’s struggles.
I’ve talked with you about how trauma affected the way his brain functions.
Sam’s struggles don’t outwardly show the same way Jason’s do, but she has some of the same underlying issues.
Stuff that made her brain see things and react in ways that she’s not always in control of. ”
Griffin holds up both hands. “I’m not saying she hasn’t grown. Sam is probably the strongest person I know because she has done the work to understand her own mind. She’s fought to rewire the unhealthy patterns.”
He cuts off talking, and I’m surprised to see a sheen of moisture in his eyes. His voice is husky when he says, “But I don’t want to see her have to struggle so hard again. She needs you to do some of the heavy lifting, man.”
Leaning against the desk behind me, I grip the edge with both hands and stare down at my feet.
Have I already screwed this up? I don’t want to make things harder for Sam. Have I already hurt her unintentionally? But if she thinks I’m backing off, won’t that hurt her too?
“I hear you,” I say. Raising one hand to my chin, I rub my fingers across my goatee.
“I don’t want Sam to think I’m pulling away from her, though.
I don’t want to give her the idea that I don’t like her or I’m not serious.
I promised Sam that I’d never leave her guessing about how I feel about her.
How do I pump the brakes without making her think something’s wrong? ”
Griffin grimaces. “I don’t know.”
Holding up both hands to my sides, I exclaim, “Bro! How you gonna tell me what to do but not tell me what to do?”
Sighing again, he walks over and leans against the desk next to me. “I’m not sure exactly how to strike that balance. Listen, man, I love you, but you are impulsive.”
Standing to my feet, I turn toward Griffin to argue, but he plants a hand on my chest and pushes me back to the desk.
“Geez, stop getting so instantly defensive,” he states with clear exasperation.
“I’m just saying you need to dial back the instant intensity and think through things a little more before you say or do them with Sam.
How much thought did you give to posting the photo of the two of you on your Instagram? ”
Blanching with guilt, I frown. “Not a lot.”
Griffin holds a hand up like a lawyer resting his case.
“These big moments in your relationship—think them through first. Don’t tell her you love her on a whim.
Don’t go from just friends to immediately spending every free second together.
Don’t let her plan her schedule around your availability because she absolutely would.
Don’t randomly kiss her without it meaning something. ”
Scowling again, I say, “I’ve already told you I’m serious about this. Everything means something to me. When I kiss Sam, of course it’s going to mean something. I’m not some playboy.”
“I know you’re not. I’m sorry for making it sound that way,” Griffin apologizes, and my hackles lower. “I’m only trying to watch out for Sam. She needs to feel secure in your emotional connection as you move forward.”
My brow furrows as I try to comprehend what he’s saying. “Man, you sound like a therapist. All these big phrases. I can’t keep up.”
“That’s because I’ve been to therapy, idiot,” he says, smiling.
The smile fades quickly, though, as he says, “And I’ve been on the listening end of a lot of Sam’s processing.
She always needed to repeat what she learned from her therapist to someone else, like repetition was her mind’s way of holding on to the information. ”
He stares at his feet as he concludes, “I just don’t want my sister getting hurt again. I don’t want something to undo all the healing she’s worked for these past few years. Especially not you. Because as much as it makes me physically ill to picture you kissing Sam—”
“Liar. I don’t think you care nearly that much,” I cut in with an impish grin.
Griffin glares before revising his statement. “As much as it weirds me out, I actually really like the idea of the two of you together. And I want it to work.”
There’s no mischief in my smile as I respond, “Thanks, man. I appreciate that. And I’m sorry for getting so defensive.”
“For a second there, I was sure I was about to get a Spanish tongue-lashing that I wouldn’t understand,” Griffin jokes.
“You were seconds away, tonto,” I say. “But it’s okay.
Because I don’t want to accidentally do anything that could hurt Sam.
Although, now I’m confused how to prove to Sam that our connection is real without taking things too fast. If we lose today because you got me all up in my head worrying about this, I’m sending the fans after you in the postgame interview. ”
Griffin grins, standing from our place at the desk.
“Whatever. Sam’s gonna be out there watching you.
We sit close enough that you’ll be able to make eye contact with her coming in and out of the dugout.
I know your inner peacock is going to strut around for her on the field.
The Crowns are about to hit this one out of the park. ”
Shoving him as we walk to the door, I say, “Well I am going to send Coach after you for making me late to warm-ups. If I get fined, you’re paying the bill.”