37. Chapter 37 #2
I reach over to squeeze his shoulder. “I’m always here to listen to you. And I’m not going to get upset. What’s up?”
Jason looks down. “I almost hit a kid this morning—but I didn’t! But I wanted to.”
“What did he say?” I ask, knowing something deeper prompted the frustration.
“A couple of us were talking about the Crowns game from last weekend because there were a few other kids who were there. And then this other guy talked about how they all have to sit in the cheap seats while I sit behind home plate because I’m a spoiled brat with rich, famous new parents,” Jason explains. My heart sinks with understanding.
“It made me so mad,” Jason starts, clenching his hands into fists. “It made me mad because it’s not like I asked to get adopted by Griffin.” He looks up at me with wide eyes and open hands. “Not that I’m mad that I did. I’m glad I have Griffin as my new dad and Danae as my mom.”
I take one of his hands and squeeze it. “I know, Jason. I know you love them. But I also know what you mean.” He breathes a sigh of relief, and I prod, “Were you only mad? Or were you also a little bit sad?”
He rolls his lips between his teeth, the movement accentuating the freckles scattered across his cheeks.
I love this kid so much. When he finally speaks again, his voice is choked.
“It did make me sad. Because that guy doesn’t even know everything else about my life.
Everything before Mom and Dad. And I felt sad that I even had to be adopted, couldn’t just be with my first parents like every other kid.
But I do have parents who love me, and I do get to do cool stuff like sit behind home plate and go on trips to New York and all that stuff other kids don’t get to do.
So I feel bad about being sad. Because I shouldn’t feel sad, right? ”
“No,” I state, shaking my head. “Not right. You can love Danae and Griffin while still feeling sad about the life you missed out on with your first parents.”
Jason’s face is conflicted, so I continue, “I’m going to tell you something my mom and my therapist say that helps me. Do you know what it means to grieve?”
His face screws up in thought. “It’s like when people are super sad at a funeral, right?”
“Yeah, that’s definitely a time people grieve.
Basically, grieving is like really, really deep sadness over something not being the way it should be.
The kind of sad that feels dark and heavy inside you,” I explain.
“For people like you and me, we can be very happy in the new lives we have with our new families. But we can also still grieve the life we originally should have had. The life where our first families loved us well and took care of us and met all of our needs so that we never had to find a new family. That’s the way it should have been for me, and the way it should have been for you.
You should feel sad that you didn’t get that, Jason.
We can grieve the lives we should have had even while we’re grateful for the lives we do have. ”
A sheen wells up in Jason’s eyes—tears he’s actively trying to fend off. Placing a hand on his shoulder, I say, “It’s also okay to cry, my guy. It’s worth crying about.”
He gives up the fight and leans into my hug as the tears spill over his cheeks.
His voice cracks as he says, “Sometimes I wish my life wasn’t this way.
But I’m afraid to tell Mom and Dad that because I don’t want to hurt their feelings.
I really do love them one hundred percent, forever. But it’s still hard some days.”
“That’s normal,” I assure him. “And you could be honest with them, and I promise they wouldn’t be upset or hurt. But I’m also always here when you need to tell someone how you’re feeling. Because I also promise you I understand.”
“Thanks, Sammi,” Jason says, pulling away and wiping the tears from his face. He looks at me with devastating vulnerability and asks, “Does it ever get better?”
My heart squeezes itself so hard, I feel like my chest might implode.
What do I tell him? I settle on the truth.
“In some ways, yes, and in some ways, it’s always there.
I mostly have good days now. But just last month, I had a hard couple of days.
But the important thing is, I have people who love me who sit with me through the hard days.
And you have lots of people who love you and will walk through all the hard things with you too. Me being one of them.”
We talk for a few more minutes until Ms. Clark pokes her head in the door.
I give her a subtle thumbs-up, and she says, “Hey, Jason. I called your mom, and she’s going to go ahead and take you home for the rest of the day.
Why don’t you run and get your stuff from your locker and meet back up here? ”
“Okay,” Jason agrees, standing up. He starts to exit the room but abruptly turns back to throw his arms around me. I hug him tightly and whisper, “You’re so loved, Jason. I’m always here for you.”
We exit the counselor’s room and see Danae standing in the office, checking Jason out on the clipboard.
He pauses to give her a quick hug before leaving to go to his locker.
Danae and I step into the foyer, and I immediately start to apologize.
“Danae, I’m sorry he called me first. But I didn’t want him to think—”
Danae cuts me off with a hug. She pulls back and squeezes my shoulders as she says, “No, don’t apologize, Samantha. I’m so glad he called you.”
“Okay,” I say, relieved. “I didn’t want you to think I’m trying to bypass you or anything.”
She shakes her head. “I would never think that.” Her expression is thoughtful when she takes my wrist, pointing to my tattoo.
“You know that painting your mom has with the tree and the birds? You’re just as much a part of Jason’s tree as Griffin and I are.
I’m glad he knows he can trust you, not jealous. ”
Tears prickle my eyes as I consider her statement. “You really think that? About me being part of his tree?”
“Of course I really think that,” Danae confirms. “Griff and I love him no matter what, and we’re going to do everything we can to support his journey for all his life. But you’re safe for him in a different way—because you understand in a deeper way. He needs you just as much as he needs us.”
Sniffing so I don’t break down fully into tears, I smile. “Well, I love that kid so stinkin’ much. Thanks for letting me be a big part of his life.”
Jason comes through the doors to the foyer, and Danae turns to him. “What would you say to some ice cream?”
“I’d be dumb to say no,” Jason replies, the shadow of a smile finally appearing. He looks to me, “Can you come too, Sammi?”
Even though I technically could cancel my clients last minute, I want to give Danae her own time to meet Jason’s need for connection. “I need to get back to the salon. I’ve got another client coming in about thirty minutes. But definitely call me later if you need a Trash partner.”
Danae and Jason walk to her car, and I close myself in mine. I start the car but leave it in park, staring through blurry eyes at the tattoo on my wrist.
Maybe I can be the tree. Maybe I already am.