CHAPTER TWENTY CHLOE
CHAPTER TWENTY
CHLOE
NOW
Iused to think I’d lived the worst days of my life, that there was no way there could be anything as traumatic in my future as what I’d lived.
But today is up there.
I may not have been physically hurt or watched anyone I loved die in front of me, but today I’ve had all those scars torn open, and just like I was all those years ago, my heart bleeds the same way it did then.
Every inch of my body is so raw the air around me burns, and every ragged breath I drag into my lungs is like a million razor blades cutting into the organs that keep me alive.
I stare ahead at a wall of posters promoting various services the hospital offers, but I don’t see any of it. All I see is the look in Ronan’s eyes when I told him I lost our baby.
It wasn’t my fault, and I’ve long since forgiven myself for not being what our child needed in that moment, but that doesn’t stop the guilt from eating away at me.
All these years he thought we had a kid, he thought there was a little being running around that was half me and half him. And God, I wish there were.
Every day I long for the little girl with her daddy's eyes and my hair. Of course I don’t know if it was a girl because I was far too early in my pregnancy, but from the second I saw those two pink lines on the test, I just had a feeling.
I blink away a fresh wave of tears.
For the second time in my life, I broke Ronan’s heart, but neither time was my choice.
I didn’t choose to be tortured. I didn’t choose to watch my parents be killed in front of me. And I certainly didn’t choose anything that came afterward.
But that doesn’t ease the agony in my chest.
Ryker sits beside me, his hand on my thigh providing constant silent reassurance.
After so many years of not being touched, it’s strange how comfortable I am with his hands on me, but I can’t help but lean into his steady warmth.
A nurse came to take the guys through to Camilla a little while ago, but I’m giving them some time before I go in.
Watching the way they love her makes my own heart hurt, but not from jealousy.
I mean sure, there are parts of me that long for someone to look at me the way they do her, but more than anything it’s relief.
I tried to give her the love and affection she deserved after her mother died, but I worried her father was making her too hard. Closing her heart off to the possibility of love because he knew what fate awaited her.
Thankfully, she never had to learn what it was like to be married to Charles, and from what I hear, he was killed tonight. Too quick a death for a man who caused so much pain, if you ask me.
Ryker gives my thigh another squeeze, reminding me without words that he’s here for me.
He reassured me over and over that I was safe with him, but I don’t know what to believe anymore. My ability to trust has been tested too many times, and now I fear I’ll never truly believe anything anyone tells me.
It’s a sad way to live, but at least I’m alive.
That’s what I tell myself when the loneliness becomes too loud, when the longing for a meaningful life becomes too prominent.
At least I’m breathing.
Bishop appears in the doorway, his tired eyes rimmed with red, and I blink away the tears his emotion brings on. “Cami’s asking to see you.”
I nod and push myself to my feet but pause when Ryker does the same.
“You can stay out here,” I say softly.
“Not a chance, Siren. While the Lombardis are in town, you don’t leave my sight.”
I sigh, but I can’t find the fight to argue.
I allow Bishop to guide me through the hallways, but I’m all too aware of the shadow at my back. Something tells me he’s not going to make it easy to get out of the city, but I’ve run before, and I can do it again.
He has to sleep sometime.
Bishop holds a door open for me, and my chest tightens the second I step into the room.
Camilla’s gray eyes lock with mine, but it’s the agony behind them that almost brings me to my knees.
When you’re helping to raise a kid that will one day become a mafia queen, you get very good at reading the look in their eyes, and although she’s doing a great job at masking her pain, I see straight through it.
Kovu’s huge body is wedged against her side, and she runs her bruised fingers through his hair absentmindedly.
“Chlo,” she murmurs.
My feet pull me forward until I’m standing at her side, staring at more tubes and wires than I’ve ever seen. They told us she was stable, but if that were the case, would she need so many things to keep her alive?
“Are you okay?” I ask and then immediately reprimand myself. Of course she’s not okay. She spent days being held captive. She’s been stabbed, and she was shot. There’s no way someone can be okay after that.
And she nods. “I am,” she whispers as she glances around the room at the guys that have taken up every seat available. “Everyone I love in a single room, how could I be anything else?”
Tears well in my eyes, and I lean down, carefully pressing a kiss to her forehead. “I’m so glad you’re okay, Cami. I was so scared.”
“I’m sorry.”
“You have nothing to be sorry for.” I huff out a laugh. “I’m so fucking proud of you.”
She gives me a slight smile. “Couldn’t let all of you keep having fun without me.” Her eyes catch on something behind me, and her brow rises slightly. “So I guess you know Ryker isn’t just part of the security team?”
I scoff. “Yeah, I figured it out a while ago, actually.”
“I just want you to be safe.”
“Which is why I didn’t pull you up on it.”
“The guys filled me in a little about you and the Lombardis. You got something to tell me?”
I groan, tipping my head back and staring at the cracked ceiling. “Too much.”
“We’ll save that for another day when I can sit up.”
I nod, fighting a fresh wave of tears that threaten to fall.
Because there’s a good chance that day will never come.
If I have it my way, I’ll be long gone before the sun rises tomorrow morning.