Chapter 17
I drove back to Milton pushing the speed limit more than I ever had in my life, slightly terrified that if I looked in my rearview I would find my mother and one or all of my fathers on my tail with steam coming out of their noses.
I’d never talked back like that before.
Sure, I’d asked more questions than I should have, and I’d gently tested boundaries to see how firm they were.
But I’d taken every insult Mother had thrown at me on the chin and never once objected, believing it wasn’t my place.
I was the child after all, she’d carried me in her body, given me life, put her own dreams aside to raise me.
That’s the message I’d always had drilled into my head.
I hadn’t asked to be born, and I hadn’t done anything to deserve the scorn she’d always shown me.
My hands shook and I clenched the steering wheel hard enough for my knuckles to turn white.
I didn’t regret talking back, but I was terrified of what would happen now.
Possibly speaking up while the Basilinna was in town hadn’t been the best idea.
If anyone had the ability to move the outreach trip up, it was her.
Maybe I was codependent, or I was just being a big baby, but I wanted nothing more than to get back to Riot. To get back to that safe place where I felt like I could be myself without judgment.
The second I was within Milton’s city limits, I exhaled a small sigh of relief. Not that the city itself would be a real barrier if Mother wanted to come find me, but she hated Milton so I always felt marginally safer from her wrath here.
A hitchhiker on the side of the road snagged my attention, their misery calling to me like a siren song.
A voice in the back of my head told me to drive on, that I couldn’t afford to be distracted, but I was pulling over before I’d even consciously decided to do so.
No matter what I was going through, my agathos nature wouldn’t let me ignore someone in need.
My heart sank when I realized I knew the hitchhiker—it was Rae. She looked worse than I’d ever seen her—gray and pallid, with dark shadows under her eyes, her usually bright hair matted and filthy.
“Grace?” she asked, peering in the passenger window as I lowered it. Her voice was scratchy and hoarse, and close up, I could see how bloodshot her eyes were.
“Hop in,” I replied with a tight smile.
Rae stumbled against the car in her rush to get in, and practically collapsed in the front seat smelling of bourbon and a bunch of other unsavory things I tried desperately not to focus on.
“Man, it’s been a crazy couple of days. I’m so glad to see you!
Do you pick up hitchhikers often? It’s dangerous, you know.
You should be careful. Do you think there are any beds at the shelter tonight?
” Rae asked hopefully, not stopping to take a breath.
She was full of the optimism and sweetness that had drawn me to her in the first place, and I knew it was a place she went to in her head when things had been particularly bad.
“I have a feeling there’ll be room for you,” I murmured, moving the car forward so we were safely off the road and cutting the engine.
“Talk to me,” I commanded softly, infusing my voice with Anesidora’s magic as I held out my hand for Rae to take. With a slightly bemused smile, Rae rested her palm on mine, and I put my other hand over top, clasping hers gently as I let the magic of Eutychia flow through me.
I siphoned off some of Rae’s emotional anguish while I held her there, piling it onto my own. Hopefully Riot was ready, because the moment I got home, I was going to wrap myself around him like a baby koala and never let go, and nothing about that idea scared me anymore.
Rae was talking about her weekend, and I forced myself to concentrate in spite of the uncomfortable clash of sensations that were ravaging my body.
“I know he’s an asshole,” Rae sighed, tipping her head against the headrest, oblivious to the energy passing between us.
“Your ex?” I murmured, trying not to wince at the stabbing pain in my head as I drew her agony in.
“Yeah,” Rae laughed humorlessly. “Every time I go see him, it sets me back three steps. He just makes me feel seen, you know? Just for a little while, anyway.”
It definitely wasn’t the first time I’d given Rae luck, but it was the most I’d ever given her in one hit. Which seemed fitting, since this was the worst I’d ever seen her. Maybe this would lead to the life changing moment she needed. A chance at something more , something fulfilling.
Timing wise, it probably couldn’t have been worse for me. There had to be balance. There was always a cost.
“You deserve someone who always sees you, Rae,” I told her fiercely, my eyes watering with the effort of speaking, absorbing her pain, and transferring her luck. “Believe that you should always be someone’s first choice.”
She nodded silently and I patted her hand softly as the well of my magic emptied, pulling away and fastening my seatbelt.
Rae followed my movements before her gaze lifted to my face, her eyes wide. “I think you might be an angel,” she said dazedly, probably a little high off all the good luck I’d given her.
“You give me far too much credit,” I replied, my smile was more genuine this time even though my body was wrecked . I felt like I’d run a marathon while simultaneously being shoved through a meat grinder. It was…unpleasant.
“I’m going to drop you at the shelter then head straight home, I’m not feeling so flash,” I told Rae apologetically, starting the car.
“Of course. I really appreciate it, Grace,” Rae said, sounding genuine as she fastened her seatbelt.
“I just…I feel like I get stuck, you know? And I want to do better and not make the exact same mistake fifteen times in a row, and then in the moment, I just…do. I just do the same stupid shit all over again.”
The frustration in her voice was the most honest thing I’d ever heard from Rae. Usually, when she was sober and fresh off a bad decision, she was all sparkling optimism that this time was going to be different.
“You know there are programs at the shelter,” I suggested lightly, keeping my eyes trained on the road. I probably shouldn’t have even been driving feeling as terrible as I did. “I know it hasn’t been something you’ve been interested in before—”
“I’m going to do it,” Rae interrupted, sounding surprisingly determined. “I’m going to get my shit together, get a job, and meet someone amazing. Then I’m going to have a family one day and if I have a little girl, I’m going to call her Grace.”
My mouth twitched as I tried to suppress a smile. “I know at least six other Graces, I don’t know if I endorse that plan.”
“Well, I do,” Rae declared. “I’m going to call her Grace, and tell her she was named after the one person who never gave up on me.”
* * *
I dropped Rae off and drove ten minutes or so back to my apartment in a daze, really hoping my bad luck wasn’t going to be an accident.
The staircase seemed like it had tripled in length as I dragged my body up it. The key hole had somehow shrunk, and my keys weighed a ton. Everything felt hard .
The door opened suddenly, and I practically fell into Riot’s chest with an oof , before closing my eyes and breathing him in.
“What did you do, Gracie?” Riot murmured, sounding a little exasperated. He scooped me into his arms bridal-style with my coat and heels still on, and carried me over to the couch.
“I’m too heavy!” I squeaked in surprise, making zero attempt to get out of his grip. Sugar, he felt so nice. So warm and strong and cozy.
Riot snorted like the very concept insulted him, sitting down with me on his lap like I weighed nothing.
I could have objected more—it seemed like the polite thing to do—but I’d felt like a piece of my heart had been carved out of my chest all day being away from him, and I was only whole again now.
I rested my head on Riot’s shoulder and exhaled the breath I felt like I’d been holding all day. His relief brushed softly against my skin, as warm as sunshine.
“What did you do?” Riot repeated, running his warm hand firmly down my stockinged leg to undo the ankle strap of my shoes and pull my heel off. An entirely inappropriate heat ran through me as he repeated the action on the other leg, considering how terrible I was feeling.
“I saw Rae on the way home and she was in terrible shape, so I gave her some luck,” I rushed out, ripping off the bandaid. “A lot of luck. Like, all of it.”
Riot huffed a silent laugh, his breath fanning over my hair. “Anything else?”
“I took a little of her pain, but that’s all,” I admitted, burying my face in his neck. On reflection, between my burst of courage with my mother and helping Rae, I had somehow managed to cause quite a bit of trouble for myself in one outing.
“Alright,” he replied simply. “Any bad luck so far?”
“So far, so good.”
His endlessly calm response was completely what I expected, I realized suddenly. Riot was a safe harbor for me to bring all of my emotions and baggage and bad choices without fear of judgment, never pushing me to slow down or speed up.
I hoped I could be that for him too. Or be something for him, at least.
At the same time, there was part of me that wanted to be pushed. It was the first time since I’d met Riot that I felt like someone was missing . More than one someone.
Maybe Bullet was that someone, the one who would push me.
“And how was the memorial?” Riot asked.
“Sad,” I replied, closing my eyes and relaxing against him as both his arms wrapped securely around me. “Her four soul bonds and three young children were there. It was awful,” I admitted. “They loved her so much and she’s just…gone. Just like that.”