51. Birdie
51
BIRDIE
Birdie,
Happy seventeenth birthday. It’s been one year, three months, and eleven days since you last spoke to me. Maybe you never will again, but I’ll keep talking to you through these letters. I miss hearing your voice.
I miss you. -J
Birdie,
You graduated yesterday. I watched you walk across the stage. Why does it feel like those were your last steps in Walford?
-J
I messed up. Really bad. When Jake finds out what I’ve done, he’ll hate me. I hate myself right now. Where are you, Maisy? I need you.
Birdie,
Congrats on finishing cosmetology school. I heard you moved to California to be with Tate. I should be happy that you’re spreading your wings, but I’m not. Sometimes I hate you. Other times, I feel…I don’t know…lost.
-J
Vera said you came home for one night. One fucking night. Is this how it’s gonna be? Once a year…sneaking in and out of town like a thief? Yes, you’re a thief. You stole something of mine when we were kids. I want it back.
-J
Birdie,
When I picture you in my mind, you’re smiling. When was the last time you smiled, Maisy? Other than in my dreams.
-J
Birdie,
I saw you on TV again with Tate. You’re more beautiful than ever. I like the green highlights in your hair. Bright and bold suits you. Don’t ever change.
I still miss you. -J
Birdie,
Do you remember the first time we swam in the river? You were six, and you wore a green hat and matching flip-flops with little strawberries on them. Logan said sharks would eat your feet. You were scared and held on to me, and I promised to keep you safe. To never let anything hurt you. I’m sorry I broke that promise. I’m sorry I was the one to hurt you.
I miss you. -J
Birdie,
I’m a business owner. Bruno’s is all mine. I plan to gut the whole place and start over, but I’m keeping the original bar. I think it’ll look perfect once I clean it up. Some things are worth holding on to. Remember that.
-J
Birdie,
It’s been a while since I last wrote to you. I’ve had a girlfriend for a few months now. She’s okay, I guess. Is that a terrible way to describe a relationship? If I marry her, have a few kids…I’ll have an “okay” life. All my friends are married, and Trevor has a baby on the way. Lives around me are changing, but I’m standing still. I can’t decide if I should settle for okay or wait for something special. Something colorful and bright and one of a kind. Tell me, birdie. Should I keep waiting?
-J
Birdie,
I finally finished college. The courses were online, but my finance degree is the real deal. You’re the only person I’ve told. Not sure why it’s a secret. Some things I just want to keep to myself. The English and history classes were the hardest—lots of essays. But I found a tutor who helped me, and I passed the classes on the first try. Hope you’re proud of me. I am.
-J
Dear Maisy,
I’m thirty years old today. It’s been ten years, ten months, and thirteen days since that day on the porch. When you spoke your last words to me. When you last looked at me. When you kissed me, and I couldn’t kiss you back. When I wanted to tell you how much I’ve always loved you. I started to, but it wasn’t the right time. Do you understand, Maisy? It was right…but it wasn’t the right time. I guess it’s too late now. You may not speak to me, but I finally hear you loud and clear.
So, for my birthday, I’m gonna give you a present. I’m setting you free from the cage in my heart. I never should’ve kept you there. It wasn’t fair to either of us for me to hold on this long.
Can I also make a birthday wish? I wish for you to find happiness, birdie. I truly do. And someday, I hope to see your beautiful smile again, even if you’re smiling for someone else. Even if that someone is only you.
Yours forever and always,
-Jensen