Chapter 45 Dio’s Journal - Entry 336
He’s done it.
He’s fucking done it. I don’t pretend to understand all the lawyer language Alexander just spewed at me, but he’s serving some sort of papers to some important person, and then in a day or more, Chaosta will be free.
As I write this, Reem is organizing transportation for her. After a firm warning not to say anything or ask questions other than those pertaining to her travel arrangements, I gave him Alexander's assistant's contact information. That shit is much more his area of expertise than mine.
I don’t even know how to feel right now, relieved? Scared? Hopeful?
While I wasn’t exactly incarcerated, my time in treatment centers wasn’t a walk in the park.
I also know plenty of people who have been incarcerated.
I’ve seen the scars it can leave mentally.
I’ve been clinging to the fact that she came out of her stint at Piquory Treatment Center pretty damn whole.
Honestly, though, what an awful thing to cling to.
I’ve been grappling with the guilt over sending her there, and I still haven’t been able to forgive myself for it.
I’m really hoping that my help in getting her out of this mess does something to assuage that guilt.
My damn stubborn, realistic side also continues to remind me that she wasn’t there for nearly as long as she’s been locked up this time. The fact that the government, the very scum we’re working to take action against, has her now is just the icing on this fucked up cake.
A few days ago, I finally brought Fem into my confidence.
I recognized that I hadn’t been able to pull myself out of the spiral, and somehow he seemed like the right person to tell.
At first, I thought I’d made a mistake when his response was to glare at me and tell me about how Chaosta had been right again.
Then he softened, and he’s been damnably gentle and kind to me, hovering even and making sure I remember to eat.
I’m not sure if this is better or worse, but it was a necessary evil, I think, to share with him.
I need to not keep trying to do this alone, at least not in my current state.
I made him promise not to tell anyone else, and he agreed to keep it to himself.
If this gets out, I don’t know what I’ll do. I’m not good at letting people in.
Back when I was early in my recovery, I allowed myself to be too casual and spend time around others who were struggling.
I nearly lost myself again, and if I hadn’t been taken under the wing of a talented magic user and introduced to this world, I’m sure I would have started back down the destructive road I had been on.
Instead, I lost him, my dearest friend, just over a year ago now.
After he passed, I started looking for a cause I could believe in to help with.
It feels tenuous to have found that here, but to still be facing elements that are trying to pull me back to my addiction.
I’ll handle it, of course. I have ever since, and I won’t allow his sacrifice to be in vain.