Chapter 48 Dio’s Journal - Entry 337
I was so wrong to think I’d be able to get control of my emotions once Chaosta got back. I need to figure this out and address it soon. My control is too imperative.
We were all anxious this morning as we waited for her arrival. Alexander contacted me midday to let me know everything was running later than expected because the officials had been dragging their feet. Nothing unexpected, but waiting for the additional time was agonizing.
He also told me he suspected they’d beaten her after they got the paperwork to release her.
He told me that when he asked her what had happened, she’d told him she’d been in a fight.
When I asked how bad it was, all he’d say was, “Bad enough.” My emotions really tried to take over when he said that.
I felt so much anger. Of course, my control always needs to be iron-clad; emotions like this just chip away at it, and things get more volatile than they should.
In retrospect, perhaps I understand why the guys have been treading so carefully around me recently.
Fuck. I really should talk to them about it. My control is better than they might assume.
I don’t know why she’d lie about getting in a fight like that, but at the time, I couldn’t exactly picture her surviving a scuffle with another inmate.
However, I knew I’d spent enough time underestimating or not believing her.
I had promised myself I’d do better, so I told him I was sure if she said she was in a fight, that’s what happened.
The conversation with him actually wasn’t that bad. Maybe he’s maturing, or maybe I was just distracted enough about her return that I ignored his typical behavior. No matter, he’s fulfilled his role and now I won’t ever need to talk to him again.
It was about an hour later when Lent, who’d taken it upon himself to serve as a lookout, called out that there was a carriage stopped outside. We all joined him in the entry hall. If I ever wanted the familiar feeling of a high to dull my emotions, it was then.
After another agonizing wait, he opened the door, and I watched as he wrapped his arms around her.
I don’t know why but I felt a spark of envy when I saw her in his arms. I’m sure if I’m envious, it’s because there isn’t a history of arguments and distrust hanging over Lent’s head.
Their relationship is so easy. Now that she’s back, I’m sure he’ll continue to court her.
Though I know I should be happy for him, for some reason, it just makes me want to punch him.
When he FINALLY let her go, and I could see her, I suddenly couldn’t breathe. Her nose was broken with the accompanying black eyes, and the way the fingers on her right hand were taped, they’re clearly broken as well.
While I’m not surprised Alexander thought she might have been beaten, the placement of her injuries screams hand-to-hand combat.
I’ve walked away from boxing matches looking not dissimilar on multiple occasions.
Also, I’m beginning to wonder if she won the fight because other than those injuries, she looked surprisingly well. She looked really good, actually.
She walked into the room with more confidence than I remember.
Maybe it was the dress, so different from the frilly, ruffly things she used to wear.
She looked like a queen. Then Malam came out of somewhere.
I’m not sure if the others knew he was here, but I didn’t until that moment.
I was momentarily distracted from my surprise at his appearance as she looked at me.
I so badly wanted to say something to her, but the weight of the disagreements between us was too much. I couldn’t find the words.
Instead, I was silent, just wishing I could breathe as she glanced around and then fucking ordered Malam to the office.
I felt myself readying for a fight since there’s no way a demon follows a human’s orders.
However, not only did he obey, when he told Fem to go with them, a decision I frankly still side with him on, and she denied him, he fucking bowed his head to her.
Then he just meekly followed her into the room without another word.
Even if I hadn’t been distracted by trying to retain control, even if I’d been feeling my best, I don’t think I’d have known what to do with that.
After a quarter hour or more had passed, she emerged from the office by herself.
Somehow, she must have un-summoned Malam because he was gone.
She told us that he’d see us soon. Again, I wanted so badly to say something to her, but even as I write this, I don’t have the words.
Instead, she told us she was going to her room to rest and then left us all standing there.
After she left, Reem went over to Lent, put his arm around his shoulders, and led him into the dining room, telling him he needed to eat something.
I realized I must not be the only one who’s seen how smitten he is.
I’m glad Reem is supporting him. Fuck if I’d be able to talk to him about how broken he must feel after seeing her like that.
Fem came over to me and, gods, the amount of concern on his face was hard to see.
I still almost wish I hadn’t said anything to him about my past. When he asked if I was ok, I responded that I was fine.
Glad she was out. He told me I needed to eat something, and I told him I would after I got some sleep.
I haven’t really slept in days now, and I haven’t been eating well either, but I knew I wouldn’t be able to keep any food down.
I must have been convincing enough because Fem just awkwardly patted me on the shoulder and then followed the other two into the dining room.
I’m supposed to be sleeping now, but I needed to write this down first. Maybe if I get some of the feelings out on paper, I’ll be able to breathe again.
I need to get my focus back so my control isn’t so threatened.
Sometimes I wish I were just another person, coddled by our government, unaware of how bad things are getting.
I lost that innocence so long ago. The day I did, I got my first tattoo, and since then, I’ve been working to hone my craft.
Despite the level of skill I’ve built, though, without help, it’s not like I’d be able to do much, certainly not enough.
Moments like this make me wonder if I’m strong enough to put that skill to use.
Despite the conviction I feel, I continue to wish that this massive impact we’re planning weren’t needed. I’m a monster for being willing to do this, and I know it. If being a monster is what it takes to save this world, though, I’ll embrace that darkness with a smile on my face.
I’m honestly surprised the food shortages aren’t already worse with what I know about where our food comes from.
Information that the population at large isn’t aware of, since it doesn’t suit the narrative of our government.
We need to return the wild spaces to this world to allow for more food to be grown, and that means clearing some land.
It also means reducing the population. It is that part of the plan which often keeps me up at night.
We’ve all tried to find other options, and I just don’t see another way.
The weight of the work and the darkness of it make all these other emotions about a girl particularly unwelcome. Besides, even if she were interested, what could I give her, violence and a blackened heart?