Chapter Thirty-six
Thirty-six
Mabel
Staring up at the man who’s admission to me has broken my heart yet again, this time a whole lot worse.
This time, he’s shattered it.
“Firefly?” He asks me, reaching for my hand but I pull it away before he can take hold of it, just like Jimmy did only what felt like moments ago, but if I’m honest; I don’t know how long I’ve stood here.
The noise ringing in my ears is becoming too much to bare, the panic attack rising from my gut and into my chest.
I look Maverick straight in the eye and shake my head. “Please, don’t call me that,” I whisper out, choking back a sob.
All this time.
He left me, because of some fucking pictures.
I wrack my brain back to those first weeks of him being gone and do my best to try and pinpoint when or how these photos could have been taken.
Was I at home? The ranch? The bar?
Whatever these photographs are, they’re long gone. Who keeps hold of fake photos for thirteen years?
I shake my head again, turning my attention back to my family, because everyone standing here are my family, each one supported me through it all.
“Did y’all know?” I whimper out, doing my best to keep eye contact with each of them.
I look to my best friend, who’s been the biggest support to me since he disappeared.
“Jake?” I ask, as I watch his own heart shatter at what I can only presume is at the sight of me crumbling.
Jake shakes his head, tears forming in his eyes, struggling to look at me or his brother.
I look over to my second parents, the ones who wiped my tears away on so many occasions. Kay’s hands held tight over her mouth as she watches the admissions fall out.
“I didn’t.” She says, looking towards her husband who bows his head in shame and lets out a large sigh.
“I did.” Rhett finally admits.
A lump rises to my throat, as I try to swallow it down, a noise comes from me that can only be described as broken.
I see everyone surrounding me, their lips moving but I don’t hear a single thing their saying.
I feel numb.
I feel disposable once again.
A jolt of electricity courses through me and I know Maverick is touching me somewhere.
I look down and see his hand in mine, but my body no longer feels like my own.
“Mabel, baby, please look at me,” I hear him say through the static, and as if on impulse, I do as I’m told.
“Baby, I’m so sorry,” he pleads, as I see the tears streaming down his cheeks, more than the night we sat out on my porch.
I’m now stunned into silence, my voice no longer working. I look up to him and just nod.
I feel a small hand take mine and I look down to it.
Ellie.
Fuck, how have I forgotten my daughter in all of this?
“Mama, what’s going on?” she asks and with all my might, I do what I do best, I take a deep breath, wipe my tears from my eyes and put on a brave face for her.
“Nothing to worry yourself with, some silly adult stuff,” I say to her bending down to her level.
“Why are you crying?” she asks me, wiping a tear away from my cheek, which forces the sob out of the throat.
Before I try and answer her, my mama leans down beside us. “Come on, angel, let’s go get some ice-cream,” she says, trying to take hold of my daughters hand to move her away from the situation.
“I can’t, Mamaw,” my daughter starts as she keeps her eyes firmly locked on mine. “Mama’s crying.” She finishes, as I wipe my whole face to urge the tears away.
“No, I’m all good, sweet pea,” I say, as I do my best to muster up a smile to give her some reassurance, even though my body feels like its shutting down.
“Now, have as many scoops as you want-” I start, but Iris leans down instead, embracing Ellie in a tight hug.
“My treat, girlie,” she smiles as she squeezes harder against her.
I nod at her with appreciation.
It’s all I can do.
“Mr Maverick?” Ellie questions him, but all that leaves me is a choked sob, the realisation hitting me that her heart could be about to break, alongside mine at the unbelievably public revelation.
Maverick stands to attention at my daughter asking for him, leans down to her level and looks at her with wonder through his tear-stained eyes. “Yeah, Ellie?” he manages out.
“Will you look after my mama whilst I’m gone?” she asks and I pull my head down into my chest, feeling the lump forming once again in my throat and the water running down my nose.
I don’t look up, but I hear him.
“Of course I will, Ellie-Belly. Now be a good girl and go with Mamaw, I bet that ice-cream’s really yummy,” I bring my hand up to my mouth to try and keep myself quiet, trying not to hurt my daughter any more than she already will be.
I look up, watching my mom walk my daughter away from the shit storm that’s forming between us all.
As soon as Ellie is out of hearing range, I look towards Rhett, the man who stroked my hair as I cried into his shoulder many times throughout the years.
“How could you not tell me?” I whisper out, trying to catch his gaze, but he holds it tight, looking at his son.
“Mabel, honey, it wasn’t like that,” he says, now looking over to my own father and then back to his son.
“It wasn’t, baby,” Maverick confirms, once again reaching for my hand but I pull it away, same as I did before.
“What do you mean?” I ask coldly, the hurt slowly turning to anger at the two men stood before me.
Maverick looks to Rhett, who nods at him before turning and walking away, Kay looking between me, her son and her husband. “Well, I for one would love to know,” she says, crossing her arms, attitude firmly in place, hip cocked to the side.
My gaze firmly locked on Maverick, ignoring whoever still remained to learn more of the truth.
Maverick brings his hand up to his hairline and grips tightly onto the back of his neck, as if steadying himself, ready for the war that’s about to happen.
“I didn’t speak to anyone, for weeks-”
Remember to breathe Mabel.
“Before I knew it, a month had gone by and I finally answered Jake’s insistent texting,” Maverick looks over at his brother, whose head in still bowed to the floor.
“I answered, just told him I was alive and wanted to be left alone.” As I listen, I do my best to keep my breathing under wraps so the panic attack still trying to fight its way to the surface stays at bay.
“I barely made it through college, I started drinking, partying, and-” he stops, before looking at me, fear filled eyes looking back at me.
“Sleeping around?” I finish his sentence, saying aloud what I know he’s struggling to say.
He nods and the contents of my stomach moves, doing its best to come out at the admission.
“By the time I graduated, I decided to stay in California, as far as I was aware, there was nothing left for me here.” He looks around us at the place we both should be calling home.
“That’s when pop’s turned up at my door,” his face turning a deep shade of pink at the memory.
“And I, told him to come home,” Rhett interrupts, but I’m far too focused on Maverick, I don’t notice Rhett returning back to the group after walking away.
“That’s when I broke down, and I told him everything that happened that day in the bus station, and then he told me that none of it was true.” The breath leaves Maverick as the tears once again slide down his cheeks, and mine.
“That’s when I realised, I’d fucked my whole life up, believing someone else’s bullshit.” The sadness in his eyes is becoming too much for me to bare, and I look down to the ground.
“I fucked it by not coming to find you the moment I heard it.”
I know his gaze is boring into me, hoping for some form of relief from his pain, but I can’t look up.
I can’t look at him, because I knew once I do, I’ll crumble.
I hold in a deep breath before asking the one simple question that’s been on my mind since Jimmy admitted to me that it was his fault Maverick left.
“Why didn’t you?” I ask.
Maverick shakes his head, “I don’t know,”
I shake mine, that answer isn’t good enough for me.
“Why didn’t you come back when Rhett told you none of it was true?” My tone turning more spiteful as the questions are coming.
I think for a second, four years of college would bring us around the twenty-two marks.
Ellie. I was pregnant with Ellie.
Now, I’m fucking angry.
Before I let him answer my question, my eyes lock on his.
“I fucking needed you,” I spit out, venom deep on my tongue and in my soul.
Maverick rears back like I’ve just landed another mighty slap, but this time, against him.
“I cried out for you, you know-” I pause “When I had her, I cried for you.” My admission causing a gut-wrenching sob to leave my mouth.
My shaking hands covering my mouth to stop any more noise coming from my mouth.
I look back towards my brother. “We all fucking needed you,” this time I sigh it out, realising that getting myself angry and spiteful would hurt the people around me.
The last tear I’ll allow myself to cry falls down my cheek before I look back at the man who holds half my heart. The pain and suffering etched over his face is enough to make anyone fall at his feet, but this time, I can’t let myself do that.
“I can’t do this.” Even though I say it out loud, its more for myself.
I can’t do this.
I need my boy; I need my comfort.
I need my field.
Unable to hear the noise around me, I take one more look at Maverick before shaking my head again.
And then in this moment.
Thirteen years after he did.
I’m the one who’s walking away.
I just don’t know if it’s for good this time.