Chapter 40
Forty
Mabel
Returning back into my house, it’s just the same as I left it on Saturday, almost a week ago.
The flowers Maverick brought me, and Ellie have wilted and died in their vases; another shitty reminder of my suffering.
Having a week of my own thoughts, hidden up in my parents’ house forced me into thinking about what could have been or what could be now. Mavericks face still continues to haunt me at any given opportunity.
I miss him.
My chest is constantly feeling like my heart is trying to rip out of my cage; it’s becoming painful and hard to bare.
Looking around my home, the place that Maverick’s scent is now all over, I see the places where my memories of him over the last few weeks wander; him starting to open up to me on my porch to carrying me into my bedroom, confused at which room was mine, and how he was so careful with me, gentle and warm.
I really miss him.
Spotting my trusted comfort blanket, I wrap it around my arms tightly against my stomach and hold onto it, smothered in its comfort, half imagining it being Maverick as he walks up behind me, I almost feel his breath along my neck.
Holding my eyes tightly shut, my breathing shallow as I pretend, he’s standing behind me, holding me, I feel the tears once again come.
The heartbreak no longer filled with anger, however grief at the loss of what should have been.
Could still be?
A loud bang on my door pulls me from my trance and back into the firm reality I still find myself in. My eyeline locks firmly on the door as I etch forward towards it, cautious at what might be behind it.
Could Jimmy come back? Yes.
Do I want him to be on the other side of that door? I hope for his sake and his balls that he isn’t.
Opening the front door, I peek outside to see who’d caused the bang moments before. Still wrapped in my comfort blanket, I hold it tighter around my shoulders as I let out a sigh of relief to see no one there.
Breathing through my nose, I open my eyes with my chin still firmly placed on my chest and I notice a note left under a small stone which is keeping it there so the wind couldn’t blow it away.
I lean down and pick up the note, automatically noticing the handwriting on the folded-up piece of paper.
Maverick.
I take another glance around, but seeing he isn’t there I take a step back and close the door, bringing the note with me.
Letting go of the blanket so it falls to my feet, I lock the dead bolt, still staring at the note held in my other hand.
I decide to leave the blanket where it fell and walk towards my kitchen island as I start to unwrap the note which I’m now discovering is a letter.
A handwritten letter to me from the man who I always thought truly loved me, until I found out why he left at the fair. When all my dirty laundry came spilling out in front of hundreds of people surrounding us.
With shaky hands and a breath held in, I open the letter.
To Mabel, Firefly…
Fuck, I don’t even know what to call you.
I just want to start this letter by saying I’m sorry.
I’m so sorry I let someone so insignificant ruin our life together, our dream.
After all these years and time, to have you back in my life feels nothing short of a miracle, especially after I know what I’ve done.
Thirteen years is a lifetime in some ways and yet when I’m with you, that time apart always vanishes when we’re together.
The calmness returns like a blanket covering me completely and those voices I’ve had for so long just disappear.
The connection we share has never faded, even after all this time and damage, it was simply waiting for us to find each other again.
Since I turned back up on your porch, I’ve felt my heart come alive in a way I almost forgot was possible. Every conversation, every smile, every time we lock eyes feels both so new and familiar. It’s been like rediscovering my favourite song.
You are the piece of my heart that I know I’ve been missing all along.
Life cruelly took us on different paths and perhaps we needed that time to grow into who we are today. You’ve lived in my thoughts, every day, always there, like I never left.
To see you again, to hear your voice again, to share laughter and stories feels like the universe has granted me a gift I never stopped hoping for. I believe with all my heart we we’re always meant to find our way back to one another.
What we have is rare, something that even distance or time could not erase.
What I feel now is not just nostalgia, it is something deeper, richer and stronger than before. We are not the same people we were back then. We are wiser, stronger and shaped by all that we have had to endure without the other by their side.
And yet through all the pain, through all that time I was away, my heart recognizes you instantly, as if it has been waiting for every moment I have gotten to spend with you and love you.
Mabel, I want to cherish every moment with you. I want you to know how sorry I am, I’m so sorry I let someone come in the way of that. I want to fix this, fix us and fix the family unit that I so desperately want.
I want you and Ellie in my life; I want to be her dad.
I want to be your husband and protector.
I want to be the one to show you what love truly means and to show up night and day for you and Ellie.
To learn more about both of you and who you are now while holding close the thread that has always bound us to each other.
You are my past, my present and I hope with everything I have, my future.
I hope you can find it in yourself to forgive me.
I’ll be at McCoy’s tonight, waiting for you.
If you don’t want to come, then I have my answer.
All my love, forever yours.
Maverick x
Silence.
It isn’t often that I don’t know what to say, or that someone knows how to stun me into silence.
But Maverick Bennet always knew how to.
And still does.
Looking down at my watch, blanket still lying on the floor I notice the time being almost six forty-five; I need to move now.
Darting towards the front door, I pull my keys hard of the hook, causing the hook to come loose from the wall, hitting the floor with a crash.
I don’t turn back at the crash, nor do I stop to check the damage. My truck mere metres away.
I’m on my way, baby.