Chapter 41
Grace
For the first several hours after Johnson’s injury, I stay at the hospital with Pam. We wait what feels like an eternity for updates, sitting in uncomfortable armchairs in the lobby. When I finally get to see him, he is completely out of it.
At midnight, Pam insists I go home and get some rest. I sleep from about one to six this morning before popping back awake.
I’ve not been able to test the waters with my brother yet. A couple of texts with updates on Johnson go unanswered, which isn’t a good sign.
I missed his entire birthday dinner, and I feel terrible about that. Rawley and Connor texted me last night not to worry about it though—the celebration was cut short under the circumstances.
I hear from Rori this morning, however. She apparently received the whole story from Landon after the game.
RORI: Just wanted to say I’m sorry I can’t be there to help with all of this. I’m boarding my plane for the WTA Finals.
I respond quickly, telling her not to worry about it.
An hour later, the waters are about to be tested as I pull into Landon’s driveway, so nervous.
Walking up to the door, I punch in the security code and let myself into the house. Good to know Landon hasn’t changed that on me yet at least.
Grover runs up, demanding a pet, which I readily give. A welcome distraction.
“Hey, Grace,” Rowley says, coming to meet me at the door. He and Connor have a couple of hours before they leave for their flights back to their respective schools. “We’re all in the kitchen.”
He wears a sympathetic expression, but still manages to tease me. “At least I’m not the one in trouble with Landon this time.”
I whack him on the shoulder. “Not helping me feel better.”
He gives a passing guilty expression and then drops his voice low. “Look, I won’t lie, Landon’s pissed. Just give it time.” Then I hear him add under his breath, “This is one birthday we’ll remember.”
Great.
We walk into the kitchen, and Landon’s standing at the island, his face turning irate once he sees me. Connor is sitting at the kitchen table, taking all of us in intently.
“Hi Gracie,” Connor says. “How’s Johnson?”
Landon grunts like it’s the last thing he wants to hear about. I face Connor while answering.
“His mom texted me on the way here. He’s awake now, and they’re going through the concussion protocol.”
“He’ll be okay? He’ll recover?”
“As far as they can tell.”
I don’t miss the beat of relief on Landon’s face before he smooths it away.
“Guys, as someone well experienced in messed up situations, can we get right to this awkwardly large elephant in the room?” Rawley interjects.
I sigh. I guess I’ll need to start, since I’m the only one who can fix things.
I step towards my big brother. “Landon, I’m so sorry that I didn’t tell you about Johnson and me. There were reasons we kept it quiet. We never wanted you to find out this way.”
He looks at me squarely in the eye. “And what is ‘it’? What the hell has been going on?”
How much to tell him? “Well, we realized we liked each other. And we wanted to see what that meant before we told anyone.”
“Except Carter?” Anger radiates through his tone. “Carter called you Johnson’s girlfriend.”
“Carter found out…it was an accident. Not something we deliberately told him.”
“And who else knows?”
My head sinks. “We told his mom and sister because I helped get them to Florida during your bye week. It was hard to hide it then.”
“But not hard to hide it from me?” He gestures to the others. “Us? His family gets to know but not yours?”
“Landon…” Connor says. “Chill.”
“No, I don’t feel like chilling. We have a pact, the four of us. We stand behind each other, we’re a unit, we don’t do anything to jeopardize that. And we don’t lie to each other.”
Now it’s Rawley’s turn to try to step in. “Landon…”
“And don’t get me started on Johnson. My so-called best friend. What the hell is he thinking? He was supposed to be the watchdog.”
“Watchdog—?” Connor asks.
“He isn’t serious about women, Grace.” Landon takes a step towards me. “He’s going to hurt you. And then I’m going to have to kill him.”
“Take it down a notch,” Rawley says.
Landon’s rapid-fire arguments are triggering my people-pleaser side. But no, I refuse to go there.
“I’m sorry, really, that we didn’t tell you. But this reaction…” I take a deep breath, not used to being in conflict with Landon about my decisions. “It’s kind of why.”
He crosses his arms and starts to respond.
“No, let her speak, Landon,” Rawley says.
“Johnson and I have genuine feelings for each other. We needed space to explore them. Period.”
He huffs out a breath. “I would have given you space.”
“No, you wouldn’t have…” He looks pissed at my retort, which triggers my knee-jerk reaction to stop.
But I resist. No, say what you mean.
“I love you, Landon, but you’re terrible at letting things just be with us.
You want to fix them, come save the day, take care of it all.
Which shows your big heart, for sure, but it’s also hard when we, when I, need to figure stuff out myself.
It’s why I held what was going on with Johnson close to the vest. Why I never told you about—”
Oh no, I almost spilled the story of what happened with Larry Smalls.
“Never told me about what, Grace?”
I stay quiet. Shoot.
“About what?”
“Nothing, nothing, it’s just track stuff.”
“What track stuff?”
Now Rawley gets in the mix. “Yeah, what track stuff?” So much for being my ally.
“I don’t want to talk about that now.” I feel a rising annoyance. Can’t they leave it alone?
“But we do,” Landon insists.
“I didn’t mean to mention it. It’s not like you guys have cared about my running career anyway.” And there it is—the no-filter Grace coming out.
“Whoa, Gracie,” Rawley says.
Welp, I guess since I’m in honesty mode… “Sorry, but it’s the truth.”
Landon looks intently at me. “What in the world happened with track, Grace?”
“I thought you wanted to talk about Johnson?”
“Nice attempt to pivot, sis,” Connor pipes in. “Now I’m curious too. I couldn’t care less about the Johnson stuff—well, unless he’s an asshole to you. But what the heck are you talking about?”
With Connor piling on, I finally crumble. Maybe it will feel good to share this with them?
“You might want to sit down,” I say to Landon and Rawley.
“I’m getting a beer first,” Rawley says. “Sounds like I’m going to need it.” Landon shoots him a look but sits down at the kitchen table.
A minute later, all four of us gathered at Landon’s kitchen table, I tell them my story.
I have to begin even further back than I expect, because Connor doesn’t even know about some of my achievements, being so much younger.
“Wait, you were that good, Gracie?” he asks when I leap in my tale at the middle of my NCAA career.
“Bro, she was high school state champion for like, three things,” Rawley says.
“I remember that now, but I guess it hadn’t sunk in.”
I go slower and break down my college highlights for them too. Landon’s gone quiet, listening. I suspect some of these milestones haven’t been on his radar screen.
And then, finally, I describe what happened with Larry Smalls and how I reacted, how I stopped running and only recently have been able to fall in love with the sport again.
When I finish, you could hear a pin drop.
“Oh shit, Grace,” Rawley says, finally breaking the silence. “I’m so sorry.”
Landon, in turn, looks crushed. “I can’t believe you had to go through all of that alone. I wish I could have been there for you.”
“Same,” Connor says.
“I’m fine, now.” I truly am, and the point of this conversation is not to make them feel bad for me. “Better for it even. I’m running for me, not anyone else. And I think I—I needed that shake up to find my own strength.”
“It’s like how you are with Mom now,” Connor astutely observes.
“Sort of, I am still avoiding the conversation that needs to be had with her,” I acknowledge. “But I’ve had some epiphanies the last few months. I’m tired of doing things I don’t want to do, not making my own choices.”
Rawley shakes his head. “We don’t want that for you either.”
“It’s hard work though. It’s like I’m changing my factory default settings.” I chuckle. “But I need to start setting better boundaries.”
“It seems like you already are,” Landon says, understanding rippling across his face. “I’m proud of you. I know I’ve been part of the problem,” I begin to object, and he raises his hand, “I have been, Gracie, let’s be honest. But that stops now.”
I reach over and touch the top of his hand. “Okay. Thank you.”
“And I feel like I’ve missed so much of your track career,” he says wistfully.
“All those huge moments you just mentioned from your college days, I didn’t make it to a single one.
A single fucking one. I feel like such a shitty brother.
No wonder you didn’t come to me when you heard that coach speaking that crap. ”
“It’s alright.” I keep my hand on his.
“It’s really not.” He looks angry again, but this time at himself. “I want to start coming though, whenever I can, for your road races. Like Rawley did this summer.”
We all go quiet as the weight of the moment sinks in on us all, and then I turn to Landon, thinking maybe he’s ready to be reasonable about the other topic at hand. “I’m really sorry that I didn’t tell you about what was happening with Johnson.”
His reaction is not what I hoped. A grey cloud comes back over his face, and fury rises in his eyes.
“Look, about Johnson—I’m fucking livid with him. I’m not down with this shit at all.”
“Landon—”
He doesn’t stop though, turning to me. “Grace, he’s not a commitment guy, and he lied to me about you. Period.”
“But he did it—"
Landon runs his hands through his hair. “Don’t try to make excuses for him. I don’t even know if I can forgive him for the good of the team.” His voice is filled with anger more than regret.
I fall silent. He’s too emotional to listen right now.
“You’re my sister. Different ballgame.”
Rawley and Connor look like they don’t know how to react to the turn in discussion.
“Maybe we can talk more about it in a day or two,” I say, trying to smooth the tension over.
“I don’t want to hear a peep from him right now,” Landon responds. “Injured or not.”