Chapter Forty-Six—CJ #2
“I tried this shit once with your Grandpa, boy,” he said conversationally. “First time I ever got my fuckin’ ribs broke. You hurtin’, so I’m gonna let you off easy. If you raise your motherfuckin’ hands to me again, I’m breakin’ those motherfuckers. Understand, son?”
CJ nodded, physical pain added to his emotional torment.
“I ain’t always makin’ the right decisions as your old man, but I try my fuckin’ best. You got every right to be angry. A lot of shit happenin’, and none of it good.”
“I’m sorry, Dad. I didn’t mean to hit you.”
“You raised your motherfuckin’ hands, balled those motherfuckers up, and punched me. That wasn’t a fuckin’ accident, boy.”
CJ sniffled.
Dad finally released his grip on CJ’s hair.
Mattie burst into tears.
“It’s okay, Mattie,” Dad said.
“I wouldn’t have called you if I’d known you’d fight,” she said miserably. “I was just worried about CJ.”
“You did the right thing,” Dad assured her, then looked at CJ. “You finishin’ out the school year, CJ. I want you back in football. You got to get yourself together, son. Watchin’ you fall apart just prove you not ready for the fuckin’ club.”
“Dad, please. Don’t take that away from me. Please.”
Dad glanced away.
“That isn’t fair, goddamn you,” CJ shouted. “My entire fucking life I’ve heard I’m going to be a part of the club. You’ve said it. Mom’s suffering because of it. Ryan hated me for it. Now, you’re telling me I can’t join. When that’s part of me. My entire identity? How fucking dare you!”
Dad gave CJ a hard stare. “Relationships don’t fuckin’ matter when you runnin’ a motherfuckin’ club. You keep motherfuckers in line or it’s fuckin’ chaos. You follow fuckin’ orders or you pay the fuckin’ consequences.”
“This is all about me not beating up, Rory. You’re punishing me because I didn’t do what you said when I had nothing to do with that argument.”
“I ain’t punishin’ you, CJ. Far from it.
I’m protectin’ you. I was so fuckin’ wrong to put that shit in your head and allow everyfuckinbody to do it.
I can’t undo it. Club life not only about operations to protect sisters and mas.
It ain’t only about pussy, alcohol, and drugs.
” He stared at Grant. “It’s about territory and respect and pride.
Freedom. But there’s a price to pay. One that destroy you if you let what you got to do affect you.
If you let death wreck you.” He swung his gaze back to CJ.
“I’m hurtin’, son. For Rebel. For Rule. For Jo.
For Ransom. For you. Big Joe’s death almost ruined me, but only one person’s death would fuckin’ kill me.
I can survive anything except losin’ Megan. ”
Unsure what to say, CJ shrugged. Everything was so tense at home.
“To learn, you got to listen, boy. To save motherfuckers cuz they family mean you got to figure out an alternative. You got to walk through life like you own it, but never get so fuckin’ high-and-mighty that you forget fairness when it’s required.”
“It seems like you’re making me forget it with Rory,” CJ croaked.
“No, son. I ain’t. The punishment fit the crime.
Rory withheld vital information from the club and brought it to motherfuckin’ Johnnie instead of me.
If you can’t understand how close death is all the fuckin’ time, how you…
you, CJ…got to bring death on motherfuckers…
” Dad looked at him with meaning. “Fairness a crucial part of leadership but so’s optics.
You didn’t want to hit Rory cuz you thought it was unfuckinfair?
I ain’t takin’ that away from you, but you ain’t gettin’ respect that way.
From nofuckinbody. You disobeyed my fuckin’ order.
Outlaw’s. And you just look like a weak pussy.
You gotta learn the art of lies and manipulation.
Rory sufferin’ cuz he can’t go to the club.
You coulda said you ain’t want to fuck him up cuz keepin’ him away longer was harder on him. ”
“I still would’ve disobeyed you, Dad,” CJ said, though he understood what his father meant. It was the same thing the guys had been trying to get through to him before Mattie’s arrival.
“Yeah, boy, you would’ve,” Dad agreed. “But the reason would’ve been acceptable to me and saved fuckin’ face for you. Rory might’ve been madder than a motherfucker.”
“If I clocked him in the fucking face, wouldn’t he be mad then? Besides, what will Mom think?”
“If Rory get mad cuz you mete out the fuckin’ punishment he fuckin’ chose, then you stomp the fuck outta him,” Dad barked. “As far your ma…” Glancing away, he swallowed. “You chose bein’ my mini club member over her potato. You gotta live with everything that mean, son.”
“I want to go to the club, CJ,” Rory said before the pain of Dad’s statement sank in. “I did wrong. Only you can punish me. No one will hold it against you.”
CJ’s entire body drooped. Quietly, he watched his cousin stand and come to him. Dad lit a cigarette, not saying anything.
Mattie jumped to her feet and grabbed her brother’s arm. “Rory, no!”
He ignored her and met CJ’s gaze, nodding ever so slightly.
Rory’s fear and his trust almost made CJ run.
He didn’t know if he’d ever be able to look someone in the eye and then end their lives.
Dementor, Joplin, Gail, and the others had laughed and joked with him and tried to kill him an hour later.
They’d looked into his eyes and saw nothing but a means to an end.
“Turn around, Rory,” CJ instructed. He could face anyone in a fight, if it was his battle. This wasn’t.
Swallowing, Rory obeyed.
Clenching his jaw, CJ realized hitting his cousin from this angle could paralyze him or kill him if it landed in the wrong place. He punched Rory in the lower region, near his side, without putting his full strength behind it. Rory barely jerked forward.
Dad said nothing. Not that CJ bitched out. Or that he hadn’t beaten Rory up. He just gave CJ a small smile. CJ sighed in relief.
Walking to him, Dad settled a hand on his shoulder. His sadness surprised CJ. “We got to slow everything down for now. Hear me, boy? Finish up the school year and then we’ll see over the summer.”
For the first time, CJ saw how hard the turn of events was on his father. “Yeah, Dad.”
“Not every motherfucker meant to be a one-percenter, boy,” he continued gruffly. “Only time tellin’ if you one of them.”
He walked to his Harley, mounted up, and sped away with those words hanging in the air.