Chapter 30 #2
Savi nodded enthusiastically, knowing that Miko would do everything in her power to make the trip as authentic as possible.
She’d heard all about her favourite restaurants and the Tokyo nightlife that Miko had experienced at university, and she was keen to see it for herself.
Ramen from the packet while she did her high school homework in the basement was the closest Savi had got to Japanese culture.
‘Get booking, Meeks,’ Kodie agreed. ‘And give up on this game, I’ve won.’
Miko threw herself against the back of the sofa and sighed dramatically, giving in to the fact she was losing her title. ‘Fine. Hate you.’
‘You love me,’ Kodie grinned.
Standing up again, Savi excused herself while they argued back and forth about all the wrong moves Miko had made throughout the game.
She needed to find Esme and fill her in on all the drama she’d kept to herself the past couple of weeks.
This thing with Jesse was still weighing on her mind, and she hadn’t spoken to Esme since.
They had the kind of friendship where they weren’t in constant contact, but one text or phone call and either of them would drop everything to be there for the other.
Savi was counting on that right now, because as much as she appreciated Marco’s presence in her life, there were some things she couldn’t discuss with him.
She found Esme in the Eden Racing garage, catching her eye and pulling her away from the editing she was doing.
She always felt strange being in another team’s garage so she would hover at the back, feeling like an intruder trying to learn all their secrets.
This championship wasn’t like that; the grid was an extended family beyond each individual team or manufacturer.
Everyone supported everyone else, stopped for chats and welcomed each other into their garages, hospitality buildings and HQs, but Savi was new here. She hadn’t earned anyone’s respect.
‘Sav, my girl!’ Esme gave her a hug, trying not to knock her over the head with the vlog camera she was holding. ‘How’s life treating you?’
‘Ha!’ Savi let out a fake laugh. ‘Fantastic.’
‘We’re long overdue a proper catch-up. We can use my team’s trailer,’ she suggested, leading her out to it, ‘The guys are figuring out their race strategy in the office, so they’ll be a while.’
She followed Esme up the steps, immediately noticing how stark this trailer was in comparison to either of the ones that belonged to Revolution Racing.
It was bright white; the lights were blinding and there was no sign of life except for everyone’s racing gear and a single pair of sunglasses on the coffee table belonging to one of the drivers.
It was horrible. She liked that her own team’s trailers were messy and chaotic and warm because they felt like home, and they all had photos stuck to the walls wherever they could, reminding them of what was waiting for them after race week.
The girls had a faux fur rug under their coffee table with personalised mugs next to the coffee machine and the guys had a stack of computer games and Julien’s CD collection next to their television so they could unwind during their downtime, both trailers providing a safe haven away from the garage and press conferences.
‘Ew, I hate it in here.’ Savi wrinkled her nose, trying to make herself comfortable on the sofa and failing. There weren’t even any cushions. ‘Eden Racing need to step it up.’
‘It’s a brand-new trailer for this season, and nobody’s bothered to decorate,’ Esme shrugged. ‘I agree with you, though. It’s awful. Anyway, enough deflecting, are you okay?’
‘I don’t know?’ Her voice went up at the end, like she was asking herself the same question.
‘I’m so sorry I wasn’t there for you in person, Sav. I should have flown out to you as soon as Marco got in touch. I just thought since you had Mars…’
‘It’s okay. If I had needed you, I would have called and begged you to get on a plane.
But you’re right, I did have Marco. And he helped more than I ever thought he could.
Picked up the pieces, refused to let me wallow in self-pity for long.
He distracted me in the daytime and held me while I let it all out at night, talking things through with me. ’
‘I’m glad you had him. And how do you feel now? Honestly. Don’t put on a front with me,’ Esme pushed, smiling softly.
‘Part of me feels like a weight has been lifted, as strange as that sounds.’
‘It doesn’t sound strange, Sav. I get it, and things weren’t right between you for a while. I think part of me is relieved, too. And it’s been hard even for me to lie to everyone.’
‘I’m sorry I ever asked you to lie for me, especially when it turns out Jesse wasn’t even worth the hassle,’ Savi scoffed.
Esme reached for her hand. ‘But you were worth the hassle. I’d do it all over again.’
‘Now that I’m out of the relationship and looking back on it, I’m starting to wonder if maybe I started to fall out of love with him when he started pushing me away,’ Savi frowned.
She’d barely given herself a chance to think about it that deeply; she had just accepted the situation for what it was and focused on moving on.
But now she was analysing, and it was making it easier in the sense that she knew there were bigger and better things in her future, but harder because she was angry at herself for sticking it out as long as she did.
‘Which goes back two years, if not more.’
‘Exactly. But there’s more to it, Ez… Towards the end of it all, I started making comparisons between him and Marco.
Comparing the way Marco made me feel safe to the way Jesse made me feel, and I realised Marco was doing everything Jesse should’ve and didn’t.
It was like there was part of me that had feelings for Mars but my brain hadn’t quite caught up to the idea. ’
‘ Do you have feelings for him?’
‘That’s the thing. I don’t know if I do now, but I think that I could. There’s a connection, that’s obvious, but is it romantic? What if I’m just trying to look for what I was missing with Jesse, and I’ve made it all up?’
‘If you’re questioning it, doesn’t that tell you it’s not just a friendship?
Look at Lucie and Brett, they had a connection from day one and it took them ten years to figure it out, but it was inevitable.
They could never just be friends. You took him home, Sav.
You let him in, showed him your world. You don’t do that with anyone, but you did it with Mars. Why?’
‘I can’t have romantic feelings for Marco.’ Savi buried her face in her hands, groaning with frustration. This was why she’d needed Esme’s input, but now she was facing the reality of the situation, it was overwhelming.
‘According to who? Society? So what, you broke up with Jesse over a month ago. But you began the process of moving on from him the first time he fucked up and shoved the idea of a future with you to one side in favour of his career.’
Savi just sat there staring at her, trying to make sense of it all.
Esme was probably right, but moving on so fast didn’t feel right.
Until she thought about the fact that they were going to have to slowly reduce the amount of time they spent together and stop touching each other in public so that everyone thought their relationship was coming to a natural end, and she realised she didn’t want that.
She would miss it, miss him. ‘Fuck,’ she whispered.
‘Coming from someone who has had that kind of affection from Marco in the past, I’m telling you now, Savi, he’s down bad.
I can see it every time I pass you two in the paddock, or when I watch interviews and social media content.
It’s staring you right in the face, but you and I both know he’s been hurt before, and you’ve been hurt too.
So, I beg you, if you’re going to consider turning this fake relationship into the real thing, make sure you’re certain you’re ready.
Be sure that what you feel for Mars is real, and there’s no chance you’d let Jesse back into the picture if he asked.
I don’t think he can take another heartbreak. ’