Chapter Thirty-Three
LEXI
My eyes blinked open, crust lining the outer parts, making it hard for me to keep them open. The lights in the room were dim, but that usual hospital smell I had become accustomed to hit me like a brick to the face.
Hospital.
Why was I in the hospital?
The next thing I noticed was the pain. My ribs, face. Fuck, everything hurts.
The memory came back in fragments. The arena. Skating. Dylan leaving. Ivy’s face twisting with rage that had nothing to do with me. There were hands grabbing at me, holding me down so I couldn’t move.
Then, there was Garcia.
I closed my eyes, trying to get rid of the pictures running through my head, but it wouldn’t go away.
His hands were on me, breath against my neck, whispering things...
“Daniel thinks he can have everything and get away with it. He thinks he owns the hockey team and everyone on it; he parades around on campus like a fucking prick, and now there’s you.”
A tear escaped my eye, his weight not moving from my body. “I’ll show him. Once he knows I got to you first, he’ll break like a fucking piece of glass. He won’t want you. He’ll throw you away like a piece of trash.”
I blinked back a tear, remembering how I was able to break free of him. I swallowed the lump in my throat, trying to rid myself of the nightmare.
My stomach churned, and I forced myself to breathe slowly through my nose.
You’re okay. You got away. Help came. You’re safe.
Was I though? Was I really safe? Would they come after me again? Maybe I really was better off moving, getting away from this place.
I opened my eyes again, and the room came into focus slowly. There were white walls, the monitor beeping beside me, with an IV running into my arm.
Then I looked to my right, and Mom was sitting there, scrolling through her phone.
“Mom?” My voice croaked, as if I hadn’t talked in days.
“Alexis,” her face was blotchy and red, mascara smudged beneath her eyes. Tears streaked down her cheeks, and she didn't bother wiping them away.
What should I say? The last time I saw her, I asked her to leave, furious. I was still pissed, even seeing her there, crying like she cared. I didn’t know what to think, but seeing her like that was like the day at the hospital all over again...
"Mom?" My voice was hoarse.
She looked at me, and for a moment, something flickered across her face. Relief? Fear? Then it was gone, replaced by eyes that went blank.
"The doctor said you're going to be okay," her voice wobbled, and her hands were on the railing of the bed, but she didn’t reach for me. "You have a concussion, and some broken ribs, but you’ll be okay.”
Something was wrong. She wasn’t looking me in the eye.
I licked my chapped lips, “Where’s Dad? Jake? Are they okay?” Something inside me, I couldn’t figure out what it was, but something deep inside me knew they weren’t okay.
She closed her eyes, and when she opened them again, tears fell.
No, no, no. It’s not possible. This can’t be happening.
My lip trembled, and suddenly I didn’t want to hear it.
“They...they didn’t make it.” That was it, the final words that broke the barrier.
She didn't say another word. Didn’t hold me while I screamed, wanting them back. She stood back, tears in her eyes and watched me crumble, while she suffered in silence.
We were never the same after that.
She stood up slowly, like she was afraid I might tell her to leave. She took a step closer to the bed, her hands twisting together.
"How are you feeling?" she asked, her voice barely above a whisper.
I swallowed, mouth dry. "Like I got beat up."
It came out harsher than I intended, but I didn't take it back.
She flinched, and fresh tears spilled down her cheeks. "I'm sorry. I’m so sorry.”
My eyebrows creased. What was she sorry for? She couldn’t help that I got beat up.
"The doctor said they wanted to keep you overnight to make sure everything is okay.”
I looked away, staring at the ceiling. The beeping of the monitor filled the silence. This is awkward, really fucking awkard.
"You don't have to stay," I said quietly.
"Yes, I do."
"Why?" It was harsh, but I didn’t care. Last time we talked, she tried to make me feel bad for going off on her. "You haven't wanted to be around me since my fall. Why start now?"
She flinched again, but she didn't look away. "I was wrong.”
You’re wrong about a lot of things Mom, but you’ve never listened to me before, so why should it matter?
I let out a bitter laugh, then winced as pain shot through my ribs. "You were wrong."
"Yes." She took another step closer, her hands still twisting together. "I was wrong about everything. The way I treated you, how I pushed you away. It wasn’t right, and I’m sorry it’s taken so long for me to realize it.
” Her voice broke, and part of me wanted to let it all go.
I can’t. She hurt me. Over, and over, and over again.
I watched her cry and didn’t know what the fuck to do. It was weird. She hadn’t shown me this side of her in years, the side that actually crumbled, and broke down. For two years she had on a fake persona, and it was like part of her was coming back.
Is this a trap? Lure me in and then discard me like I’m nothing once again?
Part of me wanted to reach out and hug her, but the other part, the more rational, wanted to see her in pain. Because that’s all she’d been doing to me. Left me to rot, and be in pain by myself.
“After the accident, I couldn’t look at you. Looking at you reminded me of them, of everything we lost, and I couldn’t do it without wanting to break down again.”
Gut meet punch. Way to knock me when I’m down.
I knew it. I’d always known that she resented me for being here. For living while they didn’t. I still couldn’t figure out why I was still here. Why was it so important for me to continue to be here when they didn’t?
“You blamed me,” I said, confirming everything.
“No. No honey, I never blamed you.” She took my hand in hers, “I blamed myself.”
My mind was fuzzy, clearly this conversation wasn’t making any fucking sense. I needed a nap. “What are you talking about?”
"I should've been there," she said, her voice breaking. "I should've been the one driving. I should've been the one in that car. I told your father I had to stay late to get some last minute approvals done, so he picked you both up. If I hadn't stayed later...”
“Then you would be gone too? And I’d be completely alone?
It doesn’t matter if you weren’t there, Mom.
You can’t help that. No one could. We didn’t see it coming, and as much as I wish we could rewind the past and start over, we can’t.
What you could’ve done though, was be there for me, your daughter.
Even though you were grieving, we could’ve done it together.
I lost Dad and Jake too. You weren’t the only one hurting, and your constant comments of how I was a screw up, how I’d never be like them, messed me up more than you know.
You didn’t have to erase the past, you just had to be there. ”
A sob escaped her throat, "I failed you.”
You did, but that can change. Everyone can change, can’t they?
My eyes burned with unshed tears. I don’t want to be here, and I certainly don’t want to be having this conversation. I need out. I fucking need out.
Instead of remaining quiet, I said what’s been on my mind since the beginning. “You wished it was me instead of them.”
Her eyes widened, “No! I never, ever wished that. I am so glad you are safe, and here with me. I haven’t been a good mother to you, and I promise that will change. I will make it right.”
"Then why?" My voice wavered, and I hated how fucking weak I sounded. My eyes were drooping, exhaustion creeping in. “Why did you treat me like that? Why make it so I didn’t matter to you? Like I was invisible or a ghost.”
Her voice was small, frail almost. “I didn’t know how to live in a world where your father no longer existed.”
Fuck.
“Losing your brother was hard, he’s my child. Parents aren’t supposed to bury their children. But losing your dad; my other half, and soulmate. Well, that fucking crushed me, Alexis.”
Damn. I had no idea.
I turned my head away, staring at the wall with the sink and whiteboard. Don’t cry. Don’t break down because if you do, then she will too.
"I don't know if I can forgive you," I whispered.
“I know,” her voice small, “I don’t expect it. I want you to know that I love you, and that I’m putting you first, from here on out. It’s what I should’ve done in the first place.”
We sat in silence for a long time, my eyes drooping because of pain meds. As I drifted to sleep, I didn’t go straight into the nightmare I’d always had.
When my eyes finally closed, I dreamed of a time when we were altogether, living as a family does. Happy, content, and together.
Knowing that she was here, even if I hadn’t forgiven her for everything, I knew it was enough.
At least, for now.
Maybe one day we would go back to who we were, but it was a long road ahead.