Chapter 26 Roman #2
“Yes, actually, it is,” I bite out, my voice rising. “From the time we were fifteen it’s been you, me, and Chance. We’re brothers. I wasn’t aware we kept secrets from each other. I sure as fuck haven’t. I’ve shared everything with the two of you. I even shared the woman I loved with you!”
The anger leeches from Austin’s face. “Jesus, bro. Love? I knew you cared for her, but damn. Does she know?”
“My relationship, or lack thereof, with Addison isn’t up for discussion.”
Leaning forward, Austin grabs the Glenfiddich and pours himself a double.
He drinks half of it in one swallow then braces his elbows on his legs, holding the glass in both hands and staring down into the mouth like a fortuneteller gazing into a crystal ball.
If a man could find the answers to whatever’s troubling him that way, I would have had shit figured out months ago.
Finally, he speaks. “Like you and Chance have your kinks, I have mine, but I’ve kept it to myself.”
I’m literally speechless. Chance and I have no room to judge anyone based on what gets them off.
Of everyone, we’re the ones Austin should feel he can be honest with about that kind of thing.
Hell, even Liam, who’s like our little brother and basically the fourth in our tight group, has his own thing.
“What would make you think you couldn’t tell me and Chance? ”
He avoids looking at me and tosses the rest of his whisky back. “Chance and Liam know about it.”
I wince before I can mask the hurt. I’m the only one he kept it from.
I feel like I’m being betrayed left and fucking right lately, and the pain burns through me, razing what little civility I have left to the ground.
I shoot to my feet, slapping my hands on my desk, and lean in with my teeth bared.
“If I’m not good enough to know your secrets, then maybe I’m not good enough to be your friend, your brother. ”
“Get your head out of your goddamned ass,” he shouts back as he gets up and mimics my stance. “I didn’t tell you because you’re my brother.”
“Bullsh—”
“It’s forced fantasies, Roman!”
I freeze and the rest of my protest sticks in my throat as what he said pings in my brain.
The reason my friend thought he couldn’t tell me is because he gets off on the illusion of forcing a woman…
and my sister was raped when we were still in high school.
Dropping into my chair, I plow a hand through my hair and take a deep breath.
Austin takes my silence for disapproval and rushes to defend himself.
“Don’t you see, man? I didn’t want you thinking I’m just like the sick fuck who hurt Rhona. I’m not, Roman. I would never hurt a woman, or force her for real.”
“You think I don’t know that? Jesus, Austin, I fucking know that. I wouldn’t have been down for letting you bring that into anything I was involved in, but that doesn’t mean I would’ve judged you for it.”
“I think you forget the times in college when you went into a rage because Chance got a little rough and degrading with a girl, even though she was literally begging for it.”
That’s true. I’d forgotten all about that. For a long time, I was hypersensitive about using any sort of rough play, regardless if a woman asked for it. If Austin would’ve told me back then about his forced fantasies, I wouldn’t have handled it well. And that’s putting it mildly.
“You’re right. I’m sorry, man.”
Austin looked at me warily. “So, we’re cool?”
“Yeah, brother, we’re cool.” I hesitate to mention her again, but I want to make sure he’s taken care of. “Addison helped you with everything you needed, then? I can take a look at things if you want.”
“Nah, man, it’s all good. She’s a damn good attorney.”
“Yes, she is.” One working for my father since quitting her job with me.
That had been both an advantage and a kick in the teeth.
An advantage because it’s easy to keep tabs on her, to see how she’s doing, thanks to all of my sources at my old firm.
It’s a kick in the teeth for the same reason.
According to my sources, Addison is doing great.
She’s thriving under my dad’s tutelage and fast making a name for herself.
She’s happy and never without a smile, with the exception of when she faces opposing counsel.
I’m guessing she made a reference to her favorite animal at some point, because people are starting to refer to her as the Honey Badger, which I have no doubt she loves every time she hears it.
I’m happy for her. I’m proud of her. I miss her like fucking crazy.
“Do I dare ask what happened with you two?”
I shrug. “Doesn’t matter. Wasn’t meant to be a long-term thing.”
“Maybe not. That doesn’t mean it can’t be.”
Staring into my glass, I contemplate the repercussions of getting drunk at one in the afternoon in my office. “I’m not cut out for forevers like you and Chance, bro. Never have been.”
“That’s such bullshit.” My eyes flick up to his, daring him to continue.
I should know by now that the “I’ll eat you for breakfast” look that makes opposing counsel shake in their loafers doesn’t work for shit on my friend.
“That’s what you’ve always thought, but it doesn’t make it true.
You were different with Addie than with any woman we’ve ever been with.
Hell, there were a few times I thought you were going to rip me apart for daring to touch her, even though you’d just given me the order. ”
I’d be lying if I argued against him. He’s right—there were several times when the three of us were together that my feelings for her lifted the veil of shared erotic pleasure.
My possessive side has a volatile temper, but I’d managed to keep it caged during our sessions.
Though apparently not enough that Austin didn’t catch glimpses of it.
“I’ve never seen two people complement each other more than you and Addison.
She’s perfect for you in every way. You’d have to be blind not to see that.
” He leans back in the chair. “And I don’t think you’re blind.
I think you want more, but you’re so convinced that you can only operate in a relationship involving a third person that you won’t allow yourself to consider anything different. ”
I let out a humorless chuckle. “For once, you’re actually wrong.
” Austin arches a brow, inviting an explanation.
“I more than allowed myself to consider it. I’d decided I wanted a more traditional relationship with her.
Because you’re right about that much; toward the end, I hated sharing her pleasure.
I wanted her all to myself. But ultimately I fucked myself by introducing her to my lifestyle. She took to it like a duck to water.”
“You lost me,” he says with a furrowed brow. “She had a good time with us. So what?”
“She wanted to continue with things as they were. She probably would have been up for trying more things, maybe even bringing in other men than you. Bottom line, she wasn’t looking to pull back, she was looking to branch out.”
“Addie actually said that to you.” His words are laden with doubt.
“She said she never thought she’d be comfortable with ménage, but she found it exiting and erotic.”
“And that’s when she said she wanted to branch out and try new things?”
Some details from our fight are crystal clear, and others are fuzzy thanks to the whisky bath I gave my liver that night. But I knew the gist of our conversation. “I suggested it. She didn’t confirm or deny, which we all know points to guilty.”
“Okay, hold up,” he says. “Anywhere in your conversation, did you tell Addie that you wanted to go completely exclusive? I don’t mean you hinted or suggested or telepathically communicated. I want to know if you literally said the words to her.”
“Telling her I’d turned into a pussy over her wouldn’t have done anything but give her gloating rights.”
“Jesus Christ. Tell me you’re not that fucking dumb.”
My hackles rise, and I’m not in the frame of mind to show restraint. Insults are liable to launch me across my desk. “Fuck off, Massey. You don’t know what you’re talking about. You weren’t there.”
“You’re right, I wasn’t. But I was there to see how inconsequential my presence was during our sessions.
Usually the women are into us both, but Addie never was.
She never watched me when I touched her.
If they were open, her eyes never left yours.
I was nothing more than a tool to help you get her off. It was always about you with her.”
“That’s not what she said.”
“Of course not. You pounded it into her brain that ménage was a requirement of being with you. If you didn’t tell her otherwise, how the hell was she supposed to know you’d changed your mind with her? She thought she was telling you what you wanted to hear so she didn’t lose you.”
Fucking hell. Could that have been it? The idea turned the alcohol in my stomach sour. “You don’t know that to be true.”
“And you don’t know that it’s not true. Don’t you think she deserves the benefit of the doubt? You’re a lawyer, for fuck’s sake. You work in evidence and facts and testimonies, not assumptions or hearsay.”
I have no witty retort or plausible argument.
So I don’t say anything. He sets the glass on the desk and stands with a resigned sigh.
“Look, man, all I’m saying is that you should find out for sure how she feels before you write her off.
It might not even matter; you may have fucked up your chances with her regardless of how she felt before.
But if it was me, I’d have to know if there was even the smallest chance I could make things right. ”
I’m relieved to have my friend back. Not that I ever lost him in his mind, but I hadn’t realized how heavily it weighed on me to dodge him for so long.
He’s giving me a lot of shit to think about, but that’s what friends are for.
To make you swallow the difficult shit whether you want to or not.
Forcing a half smile to show there’s no hard feelings, I say, “If I promise to consider your unsolicited advice, will you shut up and leave me in peace already?”
He returns my grin. “I’ve got things to do anyway. Need to get a tux for your dad’s shindig on Saturday. You going?”
A lump lodges in my throat. Saturday is New Year’s Eve and the annual client appreciation party for Reeves, Rotier, I haven’t decided which.
But the idea of seeing Addison and not being able to hold and kiss her, or whisper how much I love her…
that’s a level of pain I’d rather not explore at a highly public and prestigious event such as my old firm’s holiday party.
“Planned on taking a year off,” I say.
Disappointment flickers in my friend’s eyes.
“You should change your plans.” Austin raps his knuckles on the desk once as if to punctuate his thoughts on the matter, and turns to leave.
The big-hearted asshole has totally messed with all the progress I’ve made on burying my feelings for one Addison Paige.
I watch him stride toward my office door, and the farther away he gets, the easier it is to breathe.
But then he fucks that up for me, too.
Reaching the threshold, he pauses with a hand on the doorframe and looks back at me. His gaze pensive, he says, “Don’t live your life based on others’ mistakes, Roman. Your father’s sins are not yours, and Addie is not your mother.”