15. Marissa
FIFTEEN
MARISSA
I've never done a live with an audience in person. It almost feels as if I'm performing for him. There are a few comments that say something to that effect as well.
Lindsay: Who's with you, Marissa? You're on fire tonight.
"Nobody is with me. I'm just feeling myself," I answer, throwing a wink over to where Cain stands.
Lindsay: Keep on doing it girl, cause you're hot.
Am I really? It's what I wanted when I left Cain - to reclaim a piece of myself I'd lost in marriage. I've worked hard, and while I'm not successful all the time, I hope I can inspire others. I wish I'd had someone to look up to when I thought about leaving Cain. There was no one I could talk to, and I didn't feel as if anyone else would understand. "Go ahead and keep telling me all those nice words, ladies. This one is so pretty." I pick up a book with foiled lettering, and sprayed edges. "It's sixty, and that includes shipping. If you're close, you can schedule a pickup with me sometime within the next week. I'll hold it for you."
My heart speeds up as I see around ten people asking for it. With my markup, that's enough to pay a couple of bills. This is one of the more successful lives I've had, and I think it's because Cain is here. I keep looking over and smiling at him. That's when there's a message from Hollie. She always calls me out.
Hollie: Okay, who is there with you? You keep giving a shit-eating grin to the side, and you've never done that before.
Katie: Yeah, I've noticed it too. What's going on, Marissa?
Damn these ladies for being so observant. I love them, but at the same time, they're messing up what I want to keep private right now. "There's somebody here," I confirm. "But it's my little secret for now."
Cain groans.
That'll get the town gossip going, especially when they see us out to dinner in an hour. I've never been the type to revel in talk, but I'm going to enjoy this. When I'm sold out of all I have to offer for the night, I give a little wave. "I'll see a bunch of y'all tomorrow, and the rest of you will have your orders mailed out in the next couple of days."
I shut the phone camera off, and that's when I hear a slow-clap. It's coming from Cain, who has a smirk spread across his face. "I wish you knew how hot and confident you look doing that. I've never seen you have that type of gaze in your eye where you know what you're talking about. It's obvious you love this. Were you this involved with it when we were living together?"
This brings back memories I would rather keep hidden, but if we're going to make this work, we have to be honest with one another. "I was. You might not remember, obviously you don't, but about a year before I asked for the separation and divorce, I started reading heavily. There was a whole community of people I met on the internet who accepted me and let me ask questions about things I was interested in."
He grabs hold of my hand, holding it to his chest. "What were you interested in?"
The timbre of his voice is hoarse and passionate. It's my favorite. "Different sexual positions and not being so afraid of wanting things. We were so young..."
"We were," he agrees. "And I thought that's what life was. That you married your high school sweetheart, and you lived the rest of your life as status quo. That's what the Miller family does."
"But it's not what I wanted to do." I say the words quietly, still afraid of what his reaction will be. Not because I've ever been afraid in the sense he will hurt me physically, but scared we're not going to make any headway. My heart is much more involved now than it was six months ago, because I'd given up then. Now? I've had what I wanted so badly from him, even if it's only been for one night. It's everything I've ever wanted with him, and I want more of it. If the man who was in my bed last night can be the one I spend the rest of my life with, it's my dream. "And I tried to tell you, but you weren't hearing me."
"I know." He nods. "I didn't listen well, and I can't say how sorry I am now. It doesn't make any of the past better, I realize that, but it can make our future. Right?"
It will be so easy for me to fall back into what we've always done. It's comfort, and I've only been able to make changes in my life since I left by being uncomfortable. Taking a hard ass stance isn't easy, but I do it. Not because I'm a bitch, but because I don't want us to ever be in this situation again. "Not after just one night, Cain. I'm gonna need a little more reassurance than that. One night doesn't change habits."
"Fair, but I'm asking you to let me prove myself to you. Neither one of us can deny that before last night, you weren't willing to do that."
He's right, and I wasn't, but now that I've seen the type of man he can be? I want to continue. I'm not willing to let that go easily. "I'll do that. Let's go grab some dinner. I'm starving." I reach out to him, my fingers grabbing hold of his. Raising my head, I tilt it and give him a smile.
"Yeah, let's head over. I'm hungry too."
As we walk across the street, I'm glad that we've been able to discuss this like adults, instead of what we've done the past few years. We enter the bustling restaurant and stand in line to get a table. Cain layers his thick arm around my shoulders and pulls me close. Dropping a kiss down to the top of my head, he leans in, whispering. "Do you feel like everyone is watching us?"
Glancing around, it does appear that every single table in the room is staring, although they're carrying on conversations. A big part of me wonders if those conversations include us. When my gaze travels over to a table that has some of the women who are normally on my livestreams, one of them flips me a thumbs up. "Yes," I answer. "Yes, I feel like everyone is watching us."
"How many?" The young hostess asks, her eyes traveling up and down Cain's body.
"Two." I raise my eyebrows at her. He's a good looking guy, and it's not as if I'm not used to it, but not so blatantly. "If we could get a booth in the back, that would be great."
She nods. "Come on this way."
Cain leads me through, his hand trailing behind him with his fingers gripping mine. Even in high school, he wasn't a PDA person, there wasn't any touchy/feely business in front of anyone. I needed that, and it was a big argument in our first few years of marriage. I'd be blind not to see the way he's changing, or is trying to change for me. It's what I've wanted, and I need to stop comparing him to the man I thought I knew. It's becoming glaringly obvious that neither one of us knew the other in the way we thought we did. When we get to the booth, he motions for me to sit on the left side, and I assume he's going to sit on the right, but as I scoot in, he takes the spot next to me.
"Same side sitters?" I question.
"Something else we never did, but I'd like to try."
My eyes meet his, and the smile that slips across my face is one of pure joy.