21. Marissa
TWENTY-ONE
MARISSA
I'm on edge as I wait for the text from Cain that tells me whether he's okay or not. While I was nervous when he was just a deputy, I'm about to crawl out of my skin knowing how dangerous what he's doing is.
"Are you okay?" Hollie slaps her hand on the counter.
"I'm nervous. Cain is serving a warrant today, and it's dangerous."
She pulls a face. "Isn't it always dangerous when he's doing things like this?"
"While you've got a point." I unpack the boxes that were delivered earlier this morning. "This is a bit more dangerous than normal. He's on the SWAT team today."
A whistle works its way past her lips. "When did he decide to do that?"
With a sigh, I sit down, staring at her. "I guess when I left him, he felt like he didn't have anything to take his mind off of me. Instead of maybe doing a home project, he decided to join the SWAT team."
"How do you feel about that?"
I've been trying to figure that out since he told me. Am I annoyed because I didn't know? Am I worried because this is my husband, and it puts him directly in harm's way? Or am I pissed off that we weren't together, and he didn't have to discuss the decision with me? I've landed on a combination of all three. "Conflicted. I know this is something he's wanted, he's talked about it adjacently to what he's been doing, for a long time. However, I always thought when he decided to make it official, I would be included with the decision."
Hollie props her chin on her hand. "But you weren't. Can I say something to you, and you not get irritated with me? It might be something you don't want to hear."
While I'd love to tell her I'm used to it. I'm not, and since I left Cain, I've managed to convince myself that everything I've done is correct. Although I know that isn't right. "Alright, give it to me, whatever it is."
"You didn't include him in your decision to leave, now did you?"
Ouch, that fucking hurts. Not saying I don't deserve it, because I do, but shit she went right for the jugular. "I didn't."
She leans forward. "I'm not saying that to hurt you. You're one of my best friends, and we've grown closer since you and Cain separated, because you've needed me. At the same time I'm not the friend who will tell you what you want to hear. You have to know that while he's more than likely doing it to spite you, he's also doing it because that's what he wants."
"I know." I sigh. "Cain doesn't have it in him to purposely hurt me, and I shouldn't have insinuated he does. Most everything he's done his entire life has been for me, for us."
"And then you did one thing for yourself, and everyone made you feel like you were a bad person."
Yeah. That's the gist of it. "I can still remember people coming in here, and telling me how stupid I was to leave Cain. How dumb it was of me to let go of that Miller money. The money has never meant anything to me. It wasn't a factor in whether I wanted to marry him, and it's not one in whether I want to divorce him." I blow out a breath, thinking back to what some of the people said to me. "There were women who came in here and told me I was making a big mistake, that my husband needed someone to warm his bed. For a while during those first few months of us being separated, I was a ship without an anchor. Couldn't go to him, didn't have friends I could go to. It was a really hard time, and I think now that I'm in a better place, knowing he made this decision on his own, hit me harder than I thought it would."
"Marissa, all that is understandable. Y'all have been married since you were kids, for the most part. Neither one of you have ever really made a decision without the other one. You're both learning things about yourself while you're not together, and some of that is scary." She stops for a minute, licking her lips. "It doesn't make it bad though. As long as the two of you find your way back to each other, with the understanding of what you both want? Look at this as a necessary learning situation."
The way she's put this is one I understand and respect. "Thanks, Hollie."
"No problem, y'all are my favorite HEA, and I really want to see it happen."
My phone buzzes on the counter. Reaching forward, I grab it and turn it over. My heart calms down, as do my nerves when I see the text from Cain.
C: I'm good. We're heading back to the station. Love you.
With a smile on my face, I text him back, and finally breathe easily.
M: Good to hear. Love you too!