25. Marissa
TWENTY-FIVE
MARISSA
As we get dressed the next morning, we cut our eyes at one another. It's the look of two people who did things last night that they aren't sure they can face in the light of the morning.
"Was last night as good for you as it was for me?" He asks quietly, buttoning up his shirt. He's got on a nice pair of jeans and the boots I bought him so many years ago.
Glancing over at him, I pull my bottom lip between my teeth, thinking back to the way he had me spread out on the bed. The way his hand was wrapped around my throat. "It was amazing. Truthfully, everything I've ever wanted you to do. I kind of feel like we should pray for our souls this morning."
He laughs, coming over to stand in front of me, wrapping his arms around my waist. "Maybe when we pray, I'll add a little something on."
Joking as we're getting ready for church is something we used to do all the time. Toward the end, before I left him, we didn't have this. It was somber as we got ready. There were no inside jokes, no giggling and touching. It was so straightforward and cold. I never want to go back to where we were before.
"Are you ready?" He asks, as he brushes his hands down his torso. "We don't wanna be late. They'll make an example of us."
Right now, I don't want any more attention than we already get. "Ready if you are."
It's a short five-minute drive to the church we were married in. I've gone to this one most of my life. It was after a youth group meeting that Cain started hanging around me. I wanted so badly for him to ask me to go out, but I guess hoping for that at church was a little too much to ask.
We go in, waving at friends and both sets of our parents as we do. Everyone's gazes go down to where our hands are clasped. It occurs to me it's been a long time since we were seen together in public like this, and an even longer time since we were this happy in public.
Charlene sees me from where she sits at the front. The wink she gives me makes me giggle, and as Cain and I have a seat, he leans in. "What are you giggling at?"
"Something you wouldn't understand. It's book stuff."
His hand is on my thigh as the sermon starts, and in this moment, I know we're exactly where we need to be.
"I'm so glad it's here." I clap my hands as Alex pulls the window out of the bed of his truck the next day. But I'm confused as I see more there. "I only paid for one, right?"
"You did, but Cain asked that I take care of the rest of them, too. He paid for it," he says, giving me a grin.
This makes my stomach hurt, although I don't understand why. We're married, our bank account is connected; or it was until I left. When I got the lease for Enchanted Chapters, I opened another one, and started depositing my paychecks into that one. There was a part of me that didn't want Cain to see how broke I was, how hard it was to start a business.
There's also a big part of me that counts on myself before it counts on anyone else. I want to be independent, to not have to count on Cain for anything. The fact he didn't discuss this with me hurts. Especially after what we shared during the past few days. Me handing my pleasure off to him, going to church together, and being seen out in the community.
"He didn't tell me, but thank you so much."
I hope I'm hiding from Alex how annoyed I am. Grateful doesn't even begin to describe it, but I hate the fact I wasn't asked.
"Is everything okay?" He asks, almost as if he can tell that I'm not entirely happy with what's happening.
"It's great. Thank you again."
I'm trying to figure out why this bothers me so much. Marissa of old would have appreciated it. The fact that he was willing to do something without me asking. It occurs to me I keep moving goal posts and that's not fair for Cain. Until I tell him every single thing in my brain, and how I'm thinking I can't expect him to read my mind. Although I wish he did.
Reaching forward, I drag my cell phone toward me, and think about my words carefully.
M: I know I asked to go back to my apartment last night. It had nothing to do with you, Cain. It did have to do with me needing a few moments to think about what's going between us. Alex is almost done, and I'd like to discuss with you the fact that he's replacing all the windows, when I thought we were only doing one.
Feeling proud for standing up for myself, I put the phone back on my desk, and get back to work.
Cain
I'm fucking annoyed today. I didn't sleep well, because Marissa chose to go back to her apartment after church. While I'd felt closer to her than I ever had, she still wanted to be separated. I'm starting to have an issue with it. I want her with me whenever possible. There's a lull in the calls, so I head toward Enchanted Chapters.
Alex texted me earlier, telling me that he had all the new windows, and was planning to put them in before the temperature drops next week. At least that's taken care of. The pride in my chest puffs it up hard when I think about protecting her.
I'm close to the shop when a text from her comes through. Fuck, I don't like the tone of this. Although it's hard to tell the tone in a text, I immediately know this one isn't great. Slowly I head over to Enchanted Chapters, and park in the front.
When I enter, she's standing at the counter. With a motion of her finger, she motions for me to follow her down to the room where she did the livestream.
"What the fuck is going on?" I ask, tucking my hands into my vest. "Are you mad?"
She unlocks the door and goes through before turning on me. Her eyes are sparkling, red patches bloom at her cheeks. "I am. I'm furious. You did this without asking me."
I'm dumbfounded. "I did this to protect you, Ris. I didn't think you'd get your panties in a wad about it."
"Fuck you, Cain. This is not about me getting my underwear in a bunch. It's about you making decisions for me without my input." She crosses her arms over her chest, pushing her tits up, and I do my best to take my attention off of them. "This is my business."
"Doesn't it concern both of us, though?" I question. "I'm supporting you. Isn't that what you've wanted? What you've screamed about?" Frustrated, I start pacing. I don't understand where this is coming from.
"No, that's not what I've screamed about." She holds her fingers up in quotes. "What I've asked you for, over and over again, is to feel important to you. At this point in our marriage, you should know that doesn't mean deciding what to do for my business."
"Isn't it our business? I want to be a part of this with you, Ris."
She blows out a breath, obviously frustrated. "I started this because you didn't understand me, and here you are trying to make decisions for it without my input, and taking over. This is exactly what I didn't want, Cain. I wanted something for me, but here you come, barrelling in like a runaway horse. You just can't help it, can you?"
Now that fucking hurts. I recoil as if I've been slapped. "Is that what you think? How do you feel about me? That's so far from the truth, Marissa. The fact that you can fuck me the way you did, tell me you love me with the touches you gave me, and still think these things about me? You obviously have shit to work out, and as much as you like to say, I don't know you? You don't me either. Ya know what? Fuckin' figure it out yourself. Nothing I do will ever be what you want, or good enough."
I throw my hands up, hurt, frustrated, and totally at the end of my rope. She's calling my name as I leave, but I refuse to turn around and give her my eyes. I refuse to let her see just how much this hurts. If she wants to believe she knows me better than I know her, let her.
I'm done, and instead of her walking out on me.
This time? I walk out on her.