Chapter 23 #2
I check in, and twenty or so minutes later, a nurse appears to take me back and do the usual beginning-of-appointment minutiae.
I discover I’ve lost weight, my blood pressure is a little high—no surprise there—and she cautions me about making sure I exercise.
She leaves a minute later with a promise that the doctor will be in soon, and I sit there on the exam table, cold and shivering with nerves.
Dr. Walsh, when she comes in, turns out to be a pretty brunette who looks to be in her mid-thirties. “So you’re not feeling well?” she asks kindly as she walks in and takes a seat, and before I can stop myself, I blurt out the real reason I’m here.
“I think I’m pregnant.”
“Ah.” Dr. Walsh nods. “Have you taken a test?”
“No.” I shake my head. “I don’t have easy access to a pharmacy where I am.”
“Hm.” She looks at me for a moment. “Are you safe?”
No. Not in the slightest. But what she means is, am I safe with my partner? I know, and that at least I feel confident about. I nod. “Yes. Just… things are complicated for us, right now.”
“I understand.” She doesn’t, of course, she can’t. But I appreciate the sentiment. “So let’s start with a test. We’ll do blood and urine, just to be sure. I’ll do a physical examination as well.”
I’m poked and prodded, sent to do the tests, and then I end up back in the exam room waiting for the results. Dr. Walsh comes back a little while after, a look on her face that I can’t read. I guess in a situation like this, she doesn’t know whether to offer congratulations or an apology.
“Well, Mrs. O’Malley, your instincts were right. You’re pregnant. About—” She gives me a time frame that matches up with our wedding night, and I let out a breath.
“Okay. So what now?”
“Well, you’re not very far along, so right now what matters is taking care of yourself. This wasn’t intentional?”
I shake my head.
“So your body might not be as prepared for pregnancy as we’d like. I’m going to suggest a prenatal vitamin, and I’ll give you a list of foods—”
As she rattles off instructions and suggestions, promising a printout at the end of all of this to recap, I let out a shaky breath. I thought I’d feel terrified, panicked, if it was real, but instead I just feel numb.
I’m pregnant. And I can’t decide anything about it until I tell Ronan.
Well… I could. I could tell Dr. Walsh that I don’t want to keep the baby, and I’m sure she’d help me. But the fact is that I don’t know if I want to keep it or not. And it feels impossibly cruel to make that choice without saying anything to Ronan, after everything he’s done for me.
I feel confident that he wouldn’t force me to do anything I don’t want to do. I can’t just choose one way or another without involving him in this, even if he’s going to be upset.
Even if I’m dreading the conversation we’re going to have.
I’m set up with a follow-up appointment at the front desk. I’m just about to tell Colin I’m ready to leave when my phone buzzes, and I reach for it to see Ronan’s name on the screen.
"Hi," I answer, trying to sound normal.
“Leila.” His voice sounds warmer than usual—or am I just imagining it? After what happened the last time he was here, it seems like it would be easy to imagine that things are different from how they really are. They felt different last night. “How are you?”
“I’m fine,” I manage, hoping it sounds convincing. “A little under the weather,” I add, in case security has filled him in on the trip to the doctor. “I saw the doctor and she took care of me.” I’m trying desperately not to lie, but I don’t want to tell him about this over the phone.
“I’ll be back at the manor soon.” He pauses. “I probably shouldn’t say this, but… I miss you, Leila. I think I’ve gotten used to having you around.”
His tone is light, almost playful. Different from what I’m used to. I can tell he’s trying to make light of it to deflect, which means he really does miss me, I think. He wouldn’t be trying so hard to make it sound casual, otherwise.
“I think I miss you, too.” I mean to just tease him back a little, but as I say it, I realize that I do.
I like having Ronan around. I don’t enjoy the complications of how he makes me feel, but I like his presence, his solidity.
As confusing as he can be, there’s also a comfort to having him there, I realize.
“This is more complicated than I meant for it to be,” he says after a moment, and I blink, squeezing the phone.
I hadn’t expected this kind of conversation, and I wonder if the barrier of the phone between us, the distance, is helping to pry this honesty out of him.
“I’m sorry about what happened before I left. I—”
“I had fun,” I blurt out, my throat tightening. “At the pub. Dancing. I’m glad you took me.”
“That’s not what I’m sorry for.” His voice deepens, and I feel that familiar shiver run down my spine.
“I—” I swallow hard. “It’s okay. I know we, I know this isn’t—”
The weight of the secret I’m carrying presses down on me, and I suddenly, desperately want to end this conversation. “I need to go,” I manage. “Colin is waiting on me to get me back home.”
Ronan pauses. “Of course,” he says, and his voice sounds more neutral again. It makes me wish I hadn’t put a stop to the conversation, as if I’m the one who rejected him this time.
“I’ll talk to you later,” I say quickly. “I hope everything is okay there.”
“It’s as good as it can be,” he says after a moment’s pause. “I’ll see you soon, Leila.”
The phone clicks off, and I’m left with my head spinning.
I slide into the car and drop my head back against the seat, trying to think of what to do—how I’m going to tell Ronan about this.
How he’s going to react, what I want or don’t want…
it’s all a tangled mess in my head, and I’m so lost in my thoughts that it takes me a moment to notice that Colin is checking the mirrors repeatedly, the other guard in the front seat unusually tense.
“Is everything okay?” I sit up, and Colin glances back at me.
“We’re fine,” he says, his voice clipped.
“That sounds like we’re not fine.” I swallow hard, twisting around. There’s a black sedan following us. Colin takes a left turn, and it does, too. “Is that car following us?”
“It’s nothing for you to worry about, Mrs. O’Malley.”
That means it is. I bite my lip, watching as we take another turn, and then another, the black sedan still on our tail.
Colin takes another right, pulling into a parking lot, and my stomach clenches as I wonder if there’s about to be a confrontation.
I see the guard in the passenger’s seat twitch his hand toward his jacket, and I know there must be a gun there.
The black sedan keeps going, breezing past the parking lot. I let out a breath, but I don’t really feel that much better. Someone was following us. Someone wanted to know where I was, what I was doing.
My instincts tell me to call Ronan. I’m sure his security will fill him in, but the moment we’re back at the manor, I run upstairs to the bedroom, still feeling shaky as I find his name.
It’s in that moment that I realize how much I trust him. If something bad happens, I know he’ll take care of it.
I know he’ll take care of me.
“Ronan.” I blurt out his name the moment he answers.
"Leila? What's wrong?" He sounds as if he can hear the fear in my voice, his answer quick. “Did something happen?”
"I think someone followed me today. Colin said it's probably nothing, but—"
"What do you mean, followed you?" His voice is sharp now, all business. "From your doctor’s appointment?”
“There was a black sedan behind us. It seemed like it was following us; it took the same turns, and then Colin pulled into a parking lot, and they kept going.”
"I'm coming home. Tonight. I'll have additional security sent to the house within the hour." His voice is clipped and urgent, and I feel guilty for dragging him back in the same moment that something in me thrills to the idea that he’s so quick to come to my rescue.
"You don't have to—"
"Yes, I do." His voice is fierce, protective in a way that makes my chest tight. "If someone's watching you, I need to make sure you’re safe. Colin will probably notify me shortly about what happened—did you just get home?”
“Yes. I don’t think he’s had time to call you yet.” I bite my lip, not wanting Colin to get in trouble. Ronan sounds like he’s about to murder anyone who might stand in the way of keeping me safe, or just isn’t doing a good enough job. "Ronan, I'm probably just being paranoid."
"Maybe. But I won't take chances with your safety,” he says firmly. “I’ll be there tonight. I’m calling Colin now. Stay inside until I get back, Leila. Please.”
He hangs up, and I sit there for a moment, my pulse racing. I press my hand to my still-flat stomach, the realization of what this means hitting me all at once.
He’s coming home tonight. I’ll have to tell him about the baby very soon; tomorrow, probably. This is all happening much, much faster than I feel prepared for.
I flop back onto the bed, staring up at the ceiling above the canopy. He said he missed me. How will he look at me when he finds out I'm carrying his child? When he realizes that all his careful plans to keep this simple and contained have crumbled?
I must have fallen asleep for a little while, because I woke up to the sound of car doors and voices out in the courtyard—more security arriving and getting settled, probably.
I should be worried about who is out there, who might have been following me, but all I can think about is what I’m going to say to Ronan.
If he’s going to be angry with me, or disappointed, or if he just won’t care at all. That feels like the worst possibility, that he might just tell me to take care of it and walk off, unconcerned with anything that doesn’t involve finishing off Rocco and ending our arrangement.
That doesn’t feel like the Ronan I’m getting to know, though. The problem is, I still don’t know him well enough to know how he’ll react otherwise.
All I know is that I can’t keep it a secret. And very soon, things are going to change, one way or another.