Chapter 22 Elise #2
Priscilla realizes our silence means we’re not here to hang out and watch TV. She pads into the living room with her plate of rice cakes and milk tea. Her smile has turned from enthusiastic to more bemused.
“Okay… you’re freaking me out. What’s up? What’s wrong?”
Gun exhales a long breath to prep himself. “There’s been an unfortunate incident. KD… he’s dead.”
The confused smile on Priscilla’s mouth slowly fades as the words sink in. Her expression shifts from puzzlement to disbelief and then a reaction that can best be described as horror. She shakes her head like she has the option to reject what’s happened.
“KD? My KD?”
“Yes,” Gun confirms. “He was on a mission trying to take out the Cheongryong—”
“Eli, tell me what’s going on!” Priscilla interrupts, looking from him to me. “Why is your gangster boyfriend telling me KD’s dead? Why are you covered in blood? This isn’t funny!”
I cover my face with one hand, unable to meet her eyes. “It’s true, Cilla. He’s gone. He… he didn’t make it.”
“Make it? How could that happen? That can’t be true!
” Priscilla snatches her phone off the sofa cushion and starts frantically dialing KD’s number, her fingers shaking as she presses the screen.
The phone rings and rings before going to voicemail.
She leaves a message that’s more sob than words before sending a barrage of desperate texts.
“KD, please call me back,” she whispers. “Please, this can’t be real. Call me back.”
When he doesn’t answer—when he never will again—she gives into more sobs. The sound is so heartbreaking and visceral that it makes my chest feel like it’s caving in on itself.
“Cilla, he’s not going to answer—” I start, reaching out to put a comforting hand on her shoulder.
“DON’T TOUCH ME!” she screams, jerking away from my touch like I’ve burned her.
Her eyes are wild with grief and rage when she turns on me.
“This is your fault! KD really wanted to take care of the operation you’d been working together because he knew how important it was to you!
How could you? How could you do this to him? ”
I fall silent, rendered speechless by the accusation that hits too close to the guilt already eating me alive. She’s right—if I hadn’t gotten involved with Gun, if I hadn’t complicated everything, KD would still be alive.
This is all my fault.
“We only ever tried to be your friend!” Priscilla continues through her tears. “And you’ve done nothing but be cold and get KD into trouble!”
Gun steps forward, gently easing me back so he can address Priscilla himself. “It’s not Elise’s fault. She didn’t know KD was going to be there tonight. She tried to stop him when she found out.”
“Get out,” Priscilla sobs, clutching her phone to her chest. “All of you, just get out! I don’t want to see any of you!”
Gun refuses to budge. “We have to find you an alternate location for the time being. You’re not safe here.”
“I’m not going anywhere! I’m going to sit here and wait for KD to call me back!”
It takes over thirty minutes of patient coaxing and gentle reasoning before we can get Priscilla calm enough to pack a bag. She sobs the entire time, pausing every other minute to check her phone in case KD’s reached out after all.
Joon volunteers to take her to a hotel in another part of the city, his usual joking demeanor replaced by surprising gentleness.
Outside the apartment building, I sink onto the front steps, numb and hollowed out as the breezy night ripples around me.
Gun comes out to announce Joon and Priscilla will be down in a few minutes. I can barely bring myself to make a throaty noise to acknowledge what he’s said. He asks if I’m okay, the question feeling almost laughable.
“No… I’m not. And I’m not sure I ever will be,” I answer, my tone flat and empty. I get up and start toward the car, my heart so heavy, I feel sick. “We need to hurry up before anyone from the Cheongryong turns up.”
We make it back to the dark loft, shadows stretching far and wide across the space.
I’m moving on autopilot as I step through and don’t even bother with the lights.
I kick off my shoes and head straight for the bedroom, each step feeling like I’m walking through quicksand that threatens to swallow me whole.
Gun follows me into the darkness, skipping on the light switches too. He’s more concerned with checking on me.
He comes up from behind, hands settling on my waist to turn me around. I react like I’ve been shocked by a jolt of electricity, stepping out of his grasp and stripping off the bloodstained clothes I’m wearing.
They smell rotten, like smoke. They’re dried with blood that won’t ever come out.
I never want to look at them again. I’m not sure I even want to look in the mirror right now.
“You can express yourself, Goyangi,” Gun says quietly. He steps closer. “You don’t need to shut down like this.”
But I ignore him, my pulse pounding in my ears. I’m jittery like I have too much energy and don’t know what to do with it. Emotions I don’t know how to process swell inside me, rising like a volcano that’ll erupt any second.
No matter how hard I try to keep it contained, it’s an inevitable. It’s going to explode out of me. Then I’ll fall apart in front of him; I’ll fall apart and not know how to put myself back together again.
Gun approaches me again. I push him away, palms flat against his chest. I can’t bear being close to him or anyone else when all I want to do is shut down.
I need to collect myself and can’t do that when he’s watching.
But his hands capture my wrists before I can retreat further into the protective shell I’m trying to build.
“Let me go right now,” I demand.
“No,” he says simply.
My eyes widen at how matter-of-fact he is about it. I stare at him through the moonlit darkness like I can’t believe what he’s just said.
“Yes!” I scream, trying to jerk out of his hold.
He doesn’t let me, his grip locked firmly on my wrists.
“Why are you doing this? Why can’t you just leave me alone?!”
“Because I know you’re hurting. And you don’t have to do it alone.”
“You don’t know shit,” I spit back. The tears watering my eyes contradict my claim. So does the broken sound of my voice.
“Yes, I do. I know all about you and how you always feel like you have to be alone. Like you always have to be strong and stand on your own. But you don’t need to when I’m around. Not always.”
The volcano really does erupt. It can’t be held back another second as I explode into a deep sob that rips through me like shrapnel.
Gun only pulls me closer, his arms coming around me. His hand cradles the back of my head as I bury my face into his chest.
The sobs are so powerful, my whole body shakes.
“You don’t always have to be strong, Goyangi-ne,” he murmurs into my braids, his presence a lifeline in the darkness. “I can be strong for both of us right now. That’s what I’m here for.”
I cry into his shirt until I’m completely wrung out and empty.
…until there are no more tears left to cry and I’m spent and exhausted.
Gun recognizes this as he slowly untangles us from each other and then we quietly finish undressing. We head into the bathroom where we turn on the shower and wash off the night’s blood.
Every step along the way Gun is there, providing the comfort and support I didn’t know I needed but am grateful to receive.
The hours feel never ending lying wide awake. Three a.m. hits and I’m no more asleep than I was two hours ago. I stare at the ceiling, body rigid with tension despite how exhausted I feel.
Beside me, Gun’s knocked out, his breathing deep and rhythmic. I’m grateful he’s getting some rest.
Less enthused by the way my brain won’t shut off. My mind spins, turning over everything that’s happened.
KD dying so brutally, his blood splattering on my face. The haze we’d fought through in order to escape. Rhee Tae-hwan’s long, unblinking stare down as he had the chance to kill me and then didn’t. Priscilla’s heartbroken cries as we broke the tragic news.
I think about Dad, the man I barely remember but have spent my entire adult life trying to avenge. My heart aches just thinking about how his life was cut so abruptly short.
Just like KD. Here one second. Gone the next.
Tae-hwan and the Cheongryong are ruthless and violent and they’re never going to stop. They’ve ruined so many lives and can’t get away with it anymore.
But then I glance over at Gun and think about what an impossible position I’ve put him in. His devotion to me requires that he’ll have to betray his own father; it forces him to turn his back on the syndicate he made an oath to.
The Cheongryong isn’t the only one that’s ruined lives.
…so have I. And I can’t bring myself to do it again.
Clarity comes with the heavy shadows cloaking the room. There’s only one conclusion to draw: I can’t carry on the way I have. I refuse to have any more blood on my hands, and I won’t ruin Gun too.
I’ve made a mess of everything, and now it’s time to face the music.
If I’m going to do this, seeking the answers I need and getting the revenge I have to, then I’m going to do it alone.
At least if I die in the process, it’s only my life.
I’m careful slipping out of bed without disturbing Gun. I slink across the room, moving toward the wardrobe so I can get dressed and grab what gear I need.
It only takes me seconds. I finish tying my boots and then rise to secure the weapons and equipment I’m bringing.
My reflection in the dark mirror looks like a stranger—cold, determined, already half-dead inside.
I leave Gun sleeping in the bedroom on my way out the apartment. He’ll wake up in a couple hours and realize I’m gone.
But I’ve left him a note to explain what I’m doing. Something short and to the point that he’ll instantly understand.
Then I’m off, disappearing into the night.