CHAPTER 2 #2
With a chin lift, I turn and head toward the clubhouse entrance just as Diesel steps up and lights a cigarette. He keeps talking about quitting. I think he’s punishing himself, but, again, it’s not my story to tell and I’m fuzzy on some of the details anyway.
I can only shake my head. We’re fucked up, the lot of us.
But we wake up everyday and keep going through it.
What else is there to do?
When I walk into the main room of the clubhouse, the first person I see is Rector. He looks up and it’s almost as if he already knew I needed to talk to him. What he doesn’t do is push.
Snake is sitting on one of the couches with Graycie in his lap. His eyebrows pull together when he looks at me, but I just shake my head slightly. Even though he leans back into the seat, he doesn’t relax.
Not only is he my best friend, along with Sidewinder, but he’s my VP. He can know what I’m thinking just by sharing a look. It’s deeper than the brotherhood of the club; it’s family.
Omen, one of the prospects who will need to be voted on soon, is behind the bar. I give him a nod and point at the wood in front of me. He puts a beer there within seconds and I grunt in response.
The sight of the Corvette cutting it too fucking close, the way my heart crawled into my throat and the feeling of being completely out of control washes over me. My hands fist and my eyes squeeze shut.
“Something happen on the road?” Rector’s voice is careful, like he already knows the answer and is just waiting for me to say the words.
I glance at him and then over at Omen who is at the other end of the bar with his head down as he works. I’m well fucking aware that what happened out there wasn’t my fucking fault, and it sure as hell wasn’t a weakness.
But isn’t strength in how we react to situations? Weakness isn’t an option with the patches on my cut.
“Almost laid down my bike,” I grit out through my teeth, knowing damn well I can’t keep this hidden.
My brothers gossip more than a fucking knitting circle. I thought the women were bad when I was growing up, but that’s just because I wasn’t in the rooms where the other generation of brothers were letting all the secrets out.
Now I know.
They might not know when to shut up sometimes, but they’re loyal as fuck.
“Corvette with too much throttle and not enough brains in the driver’s seat speeded up and didn’t give enough space when coming into my lane. It was close,” I explain.
“Not the first time,” Rector says, caution in his voice.
I nod once. “Won’t be the last time either.”
“Then why are you still rattled?”
I grab my beer and drain it in one. I want to slam it against the bar, but I don’t. My fingers flex around the bottle and I set it down with far too much care.
“Don’t know,” I mumble without looking at him.
Omen places another beer in front of me and disappears again while I force my shoulders to relax.
I can feel Snake watching me, but I’m not ready to have this conversation, not with him.
Not yet. He’ll be pissed that he wasn’t on the road with me, like him being there would have done a bit of fucking good.
Rector keeps quiet for a moment, but when he speaks, his words are slow and measured, “You know, there were times when I was close to death.” He shakes his head slightly and I glance at him out of the corner of my eye.
“The experience was never the same. In the beginning,” he shrugs, “I didn’t care, it didn’t even register.
Then it started to and I didn’t like it, especially the things I would remember in those moments.
I had a lot of regret,” he blows out a harsh breath, “I still do.”
“Don’t have that kind of regret,” I try to soften the words, but they’re harsh and there’s not much I can do about it.
“No, maybe not,” he doesn’t take the bait. Which is why I’m sitting here talking to him in the first place. “Doesn’t mean you don’t feel a certain way about whatever it is your mind chose to remind you of in that moment.”
“There were good times,” I tell him, knowing I can’t hide the truth. And he’s not fucking wrong. I should have known he’d understand. “But there was definitely something missing. I haven’t been able to shake the feeling,” I tell him, my voice low even though no one is close enough to hear me.
“You’ve noticed how happy Snake is,” he says it like the segway is obvious.
Maybe it is.
“You grew up with solid parents, two people in love. Why wouldn’t you want it? Not with some patch chaser, but for real,” he offers the words like they’re pebbles.
I scrub a hand down my face and a memory, one of Ezra Lyons wearing one of her history pun shirts, flashes in my mind. The shirt had a sketch of a covered wagon with the words ‘Donner Party Restaurant’ and a one-star review that read, ‘worst all-you-can-eat-buffet ever’.
Dark as fuck, for sure. But I couldn’t help but laugh when I saw her. I kept thinking that if she was the history teacher I had back in the day then I would have paid a lot more attention. My parents didn’t let me slack when it came to school, but some classes were easier than others.
With a shake of my head, I push the thought of Ezra away. I shouldn’t think about her. The Sheriff’s daughter.
She’s untouchable.
And why the fuck would I even think about her now?
With her flowing blonde hair that has just enough of a curl in it that I want to wrap the strands around a finger and give a little tug. Then there are her piercing blue eyes which always see too much. It’s what makes her photography so good.
“Just didn’t sit right with me,” I try and blow off the heaviness of the conversation.
Rector leans back and nods before tapping the bar twice. “You know where to find me.”
The invitation is always open.
When I turn, Sindi is walking toward me, her hips swaying. I’m already shaking my head without even realizing it.
The last place I plan to stay tonight is the clubhouse. I need my bed. My home. I need a little quiet.
Even though a seductive smile curls Sindi’s lips, I’m not the least bit interested. Neither is my dick.
“Not tonight, Sin,” I tell her, my tone neutral.
She blinks up at me twice, probably gauging whether this is just some cat and mouse game or if I mean it. I’ve never played that kind of game before, I don’t know why she would think I’d start now.
Either I want to fuck or I don’t. End of story.
“Of course, Prez,” she purrs, but steps up to the bar anyway. Like she thinks I might change my mind. Not happening.
I grab my beer and meet Snake’s eyes. Concern is written all over his face. “Tomorrow morning,” I tell him.
When he nods, I head out of the clubhouse and go home. I built it years ago because I needed somewhere that is just mine. Tonight, when I step inside, I wonder why I made it so big. It’s not the first time I’ve thought about it.
My close call settles around me, and I have to face the fact that I want the family this house promises. I want a good woman. I want a soft place to come home to.
Ezra flashes in my mind again, but she’s the last woman who could ever be mine.