CHAPTER 20
EZRA
I don’t know what to do. My hands are shaking and covered in blood. Someone sat me down in the emergency room waiting room, but I have no idea how I got here. All I remember is the sound of the gunshot and then the blood.
So much fucking blood.
Bobby’s blood.
My biker’s blood.
When Titus went down, I pressed my hands to the wound, trying to stop the blood. I pressed down and blood seeped through my fingers. He let out a pained groan, his eyes fluttering open but it was clear he wasn’t there behind those gray eyes.
I’m okay, Teach.
I can still hear his voice. I can still hear those words.
It feels like everything around me is rushing. But the only thing I can do is look at my hands.
Opal is fine other than being a little scared. I heard that much, I think.
Bobby is dead. I know that much. Dad’s shot came just a second too late.
Titus took a step just as the gun went off and I don’t know if it’s a good thing or a bad thing. I shouldn’t have spoken up. I should have let them handle it.
Blood.
My chest starts to heave just as a warm hand covers my shaking blood covered ones. When my gaze snaps up, I find Whiskey crouching down in front of me. Only then do I take in the waiting room. It’s filled with men wearing leather cuts.
“Ezra,” Whiskey’s voice is soft. I swallow hard, but I don’t trust my words. As if he understands the turmoil, he offers me a gentle smile. “Ryker is going to be just fine,” he tries to assure me.
Why do his words sound so fucking hollow. I want to cling to them. I want to believe them.
I look over to see Jackal holding Vera against his chest. Everything in me screams to go to them and tell them how sorry I am.
If I hadn’t seen anything. If I hadn’t gone to him.
Would this have happened?
But I can’t go over there. Not with my hands covered in their son’s blood. Tears stream down my face, but I don’t even try to brush them away.
When Jackal meets my gaze, his eyes, so similar to his son’s, are filled with pain. With remorse. With fear. My breath catches in my throat, and I choke on the scream threatening to come out.
“My next-door neighbor is a nurse here,” Whiskey’s voice pulls my attention back to him. “I don’t know a lot about Bridget, but I know she’s good at her job. I’ll see if I can get any information on what’s going on back there. Okay?”
“Okay,” the word feels like glass against my throat, “thank you.”
Whiskey squeezes my hands and then stands up and moves toward the desk. If he can get information, I’ll take it. I’m just not going to hold my breath.
At least someone back there is competent. I try to hold that inside my chest, trying to allow it to comfort me. It’s not helping.
Lara and Graycie rush into the waiting room. Graycie’s gaze sweeps over the room and finds me, so many questions brim in her eyes. I nod toward Opal and the look Graycie gives me is filled with understanding and maybe a little pride.
While Graycie moves toward Opal, Lara rushes to my side. She doesn’t flinch when she grabs my hands, not caring about the blood drying there. “Are you okay?” The question rushes out of her.
I’m not surprised she heard about what happened. Bunz Out is close to the grocery store and I’m sure gossip is spreading fast. I don’t really have the energy to care.
“He shielded me,” I rasp out the words. “He took the bullet and he was standing right in front of me.”
Lara lets out a sound and pulls me into her, hugging me against her fiercely. The tears still come. I don’t think they’ll ever stop.
I hear a scoff and look up to see Playboy’s eyes fixed on Lara with his lip curled up in a sneer. When he meets my eyes, he looks away and rubs the back of his neck. The sheepish expression on his face will have to do for now.
At least he didn’t open his mouth.
I can’t stop replaying the moment Bobby squeezed the trigger. Then the moment of impact. I felt it through Titus’ body. I felt it.
“He’s going to be okay,” Lara’s words are low and soothing.
Willing myself to believe them isn’t working, no matter how desperate I am for that feeling.
“There was so much blood,” I barely utter the words, but Lara stiffens telling me she heard them loud and clear.
“That doesn’t mean anything,” she tries to assure me.
“He was standing right in front of me.” I don’t know why I say the words again.
“Of course he was,” she murmurs, “he loves you.”
A damn breaks inside of me and my chest heaves as sobs tear out of me. Lara doesn’t let go; she squeezes me tighter. I cling to her, not remembering the blood for a moment.
When I remember, I try to let go, but she hisses, “Don’t you dare.”
I grip her tighter instead and give into the feeling inside of me. It’s dark. It’s filled with grief. It wants to consume me. I want to let it.
The sobs continue to come, and it feels like I’m lost in a storm of them. Lara doesn’t let go. Her hand rubs my back as she whispers words I don’t hear. Maybe I’m not supposed to.
Just as I start to calm down, the doors open again and I hear footsteps I’ve heard my entire life. How funny that I recognize them even now.
I look up to find my dad striding into the waiting room. Still in his uniform. Still with an air of authority which I now realize I have resented for a long time. His eyes are locked on me, and I can see the fear and panic there.
But I don’t care about that. Not right now.
There’s something else in his eyes though, something that makes rage simmer under the surface of my skin. Arrogance. Like he’s just waiting to say, ‘I told you so’.
A scream wells up inside of me, but I don’t think I have the energy to let it out. Not right now.
Before Dad can reach me, Jackal steps into his path. Patsy is now holding Vera, her eyes sharpening as she takes in the scene, clearly ready to protect her vulnerable friend who is worried about her son.
I want to go to her.
“Sheriff,” the sneer in Jackal’s voice is clear to hear, “are you here in an official capacity?”
Dad looks surprised for a moment before he masks it and clenches his jaw. “I’m here to see my daughter and to make sure she’s okay,” he grits out the words.
“The same daughter that you said was too emotional to talk to while you paced in front of our gates like a wild fucking animal?” Jackal asks the question calmly, but I can see every word land. “The one you dismissed when she said she was in trouble?”
That question lands harder.
Devastation washes over dad’s face.
Lara gently releases me but stays right by my side and wraps one of her arms around my shoulders. I appreciate her comfort, really. But I want Titus to wrap his arms around me.
I don’t think I’ll feel settled until that happens.
What if it never happens?
The thought slams into me and more silent tears roll down my face. Dad looks at me, his mouth open and closing as if he’s reaching for words but can’t find them.
“You need to wake up,” Jackal’s voice turns to steel. “If you’re not careful, you’re going to lose your daughter.”
Dad’s eyes snap up to meet those of the former club Prez, the same man he watched for years because he was looking for a reason to take down the club. Have they ever stood face to face without the badge and the club between them?
I’m not sure I care.
“That would be tragedy enough,” Jackal’s voice gentles slightly, but doesn’t lose the edge entirely, “but think about missing out on the lives of your grandchildren.”
My dad’s eyes widen and swing back to me. “I’m not pregnant,” I rasp the words indignantly while shaking my head slightly.
Jackal huffs out a sound that might be a laugh. “If I know my son, he’ll be working on it soon enough.” One side of his mouth curls up as he looks at me affectionately. “You can tell me I’m wrong.”
I roll my eyes and Jackal chuckles softly like it’s all the proof he needs. Maybe it is. I’m grateful that I feel a little lighter, but I’m still very aware of the blood on my hands.
So much blood.
While swallowing hard, I push the thought away. Dad is looking at me like he’s never seen me before. Unfortunately, it’s probably true.
“You might not like it or understand it,” Jackal’s voice fills the silence, “but that doesn’t matter. Not to them. People will talk, they always do, but Ryker is going to make her his Old Lady. All she needs is the cut at this point to make it official.”
Jackal’s declaration is given like it’s a fact. The words aren’t harsh, but they aren’t kind either. They simply are.
“I’m not here to cause trouble,” Dad’s voice is like gravel, “I’m just here to check on my daughter.”
Jackal looks at me, asking me the question without words. When I nod, he does as well, pride shining in his eyes, and steps aside.
Dad closes the distance between us, but when he reaches me it’s like he doesn’t know what to do. His hands are hovering out in front of him, but he doesn’t hug me or touch me. His indecision feels like a blade against my skin.
Too bad I became numb to the sensation a long time ago.
He always hesitated when it came to affection. I’m sure it has nothing to do with me, but it’s still not an easy pill to swallow.
“I’m not sure what to say,” his words are unsteady in a way I’ve never heard before.
He looks right at me, his eyes boring into mine when I would expect him to be looking around the room filled with the club. A little ember of hope finds a spark in my chest. I’m not sure if that’s a good thing or not.
“I’m fine,” I spit out the word with more venom than I intended. “I’m not the one who got shot because Titus was standing in front of me,” my words break at the end, and Lara tightens her grip on me.
It’s just enough to hold me together. For now.
Dad blows out a breath and ignores the snark in my voice. He nods slowly as if absorbing the words and cataloging them as truth.
“I’m glad you’re okay.” He swallows hard and something shutters in his expression.
Is knowing I’m okay enough for the glimpse of the Dad I need to disappear and be hidden away again?
His voice shifts, becomes more authoritative, and I have my answer, “I watched the security video.”
I swallow down the words I want to say. About him putting his job before me. About him needing to see the evidence before deciding if I was worth visiting.
Maybe that’s not fair, but I’m done being fair. I’m too exhausted to even try.
“I see,” my voice is ice cold and Dad flinches. “What did you need to see before coming here? Did you need to make sure I didn’t do anything to cause all of this before showing up? Were you going to show up at all?”
The entire room holds its breath for a heartbeat. Then my father’s face crumples.
Not a little bit.
Completely.
“You’re right to be angry,” his voice is smaller than I’ve ever heard it before. “You’re right to hate me. I’ve never known how to be a good father to you, but I tried the best way I could.”
I want to scoff, but I know he believes his words. Who am I to say that he could have done better anyway?
“When I watched the video, I saw it. The way he stepped in front of you. The way he shielded you. I could feel his care for you from the moment you stepped inside the store,” he admits.
A lump forms in my throat and I try to swallow past it. The tears still come. I still don’t know how Titus is doing.
“I don’t know what I was expecting to see on the video,” he shakes his head, his eyes pleading with me, “but I wasn’t expecting to see him protect you like that.” He swallows hard. “I’m sorry, Ezra. For what I said and for not listening.”
His words wash over me, and I close my eyes for a second. It’s not enough. The words simply aren’t enough.
I don’t know if they ever will be.
When I go to stand up, Lara is right there with me, supporting me. I’m grateful because my legs feel like wet noodles. But I’m tired of him standing over me.
Not for this.
It’s not the place for this conversation, but I’m not going to be quiet anymore.
“You’ve never listened,” I tell him, the words quiet even in this room filled with people.
“You have never once asked me what I want and you’ve never tried to learn about who I am.
” I take a deep breath and let it out slowly.
“It’s not just about what you said at the gate or you not taking me seriously at the fair.
It’s everything, Dad,” my voice splinters on the last word and I clear my throat.
I don’t want to break. Not here. Not in front of him.
I’m already cracked; it wouldn’t take much at this point.
“It’s everything. My entire life. Your job. The badge being more important than anything else.”
The sentences are fragments, feelings, and moments I’m just too exhausted to pull together into anything more coherent. Not right now.
“I understand,” Dad says and nods.
For the first time I can remember, his eyes are sad when he looks at me.
“I’d like to stay, if that’s okay?”
It’s not a demand wrapped up in a question. It’s genuine.
But I’m not ready and I can’t manage him and all the years between us right now.
I shake my head, my voice barely there, “I don’t think that would be a good idea.”
His head falls and he takes a deep breath. When he looks at me again, I can see the regret there.
I’m just too tired to care right now. My hands are shaking as Dad nods once. Then he turns on his heel and walks out the door again.
I watch his back, unsure if I made the right choice. Before I can think too much about it, Vera is there and sweeping me into her arms.
“You were so brave,” she whispers into my hair. “I’m so proud of you.”
“I love him,” I say the words so quietly, like they’re fragile and precious.
“I know you do. He’s going to be fine,” her tone holds no room for arguments, as if her will alone is enough to make it so.
I hope it is.
“You’ll get the chance to tell him how you feel,” she assures me.
More tears fall when Jackal’s hand lands on my shoulder and squeezes. Then he wraps me and Vera up in his arms. They aren’t the arms I want, but I’m so damn grateful for them.
When Lorraine rushes in, she makes a strangled sound. Jackal, somehow, manages to open his arms a little wider and pulls her in with us. Her eyes take in the blood on my hands and then snap up to meet my gaze.
“Your first instinct was to save him. You’re the one for him. Never run,” her voice is fierce and sharp, “always face this life together.”
“I’m not running, Nana,” I tell her. Grief and guilt try to carve its way up my throat. “I’m sorry,” I force the words out.
“None of that,” Lorrie tuts, “he would step in front of a train for you. At least it was only a bullet.”
A sound comes out of me that might be a laugh while Jackal’s chest vibrates with a barely restrained chuckle. I press myself a little deeper into the embrace of a family I never knew I needed because I never dreamed big enough to imagine it.