Chapter 30 Kalina
KALINA
Visiting Raisa and her new baby boy, Roman, almost felt like a tutorial.
This will be me.
Pretty soon, it will be me lying on a bed and nursing a newborn.
I had been so surprised that she wanted me in the room with her when she delivered. It felt like an honor, but once she finally pushed Roman out and she was holding her son, she beckoned me to lean over so she could whisper to me.
“I didn’t traumatize you, did I?”
I laughed, seeing some of the old Raisa I remembered from when we were kids. “No. You didn’t.”
“I just didn’t want Sadie to be in here. She could’ve gone into labor.”
I furrowed my brow. “She’s not that close to her due date.”
Raisa huffed. “You haven’t heard about how Carina and Helene were born on the same day. I don’t know if it was full moon voodoo or what, but it was a lot.”
I smiled.
“And I didn’t want Gabriella in here either. She’s too bossy!”
As I laughed some more, she gave me a tender smile.
“But mostly, I wanted you to see my baby first. You missed seeing Lev’s birth and knowing him when he was a baby.
We both missed so much, so many years, to the men in our families.
” She looked at Ivan, who smiled down at her with happy tears in his eyes.
“And now we have many years to look forward to with the men in our family now,” I replied, meaning it from the bottom of my heart.
Today, though, visiting Raisa felt like a lesson. Sadie and Gabriella were here as well, but they both suggested I hold Roman. That I change his diaper. That I figure out the dynamics of rocking him to settle down and not fuss.
And… I loved it. I enjoyed every second of it, so thrilled that I had met Alexsei. He was so pivotal in being able to encourage me to see this pregnancy not as a punishment, but as a gift. Because of him, I could look forward to the exciting joys of motherhood, not cringe at the fate of being bred.
“Kalina?” Raisa asked as we all sat with her.
“Hmm?” I looked up from smiling at a sleeping Roman in my arms.
“How did you ever get in the situation that you were in?” She frowned. “With Erik?”
“Jeez.” Gabriella snorted. “That’s kind of blunt.”
It was, but I didn’t take offense. I also had more questions of my own for her, about how Konstantin almost killed her and Lev and how she’d run away for years.
“It is,” Raisa replied, “but it’s on my mind.
When I had Lev, I was committed to keeping him safe from anyone.
Including my father. Most of all, my father.
” She let out a wry huff. “And this time, with Roman, that protectiveness is there, but I have no reason to worry about any Dubinin ever wanting to harm him.” She held her hand out to gesture at me.
“The same thing happened to her. One of her relatives turned against her and hurt her. Held her captive and almost sold her off. It's just…” She shook her head. “It’s fucked up.”
“It was,” I agreed. “But I’m free now.” So long as I reminded myself of that, I would stay stronger and avoid the shell of trauma.
“But he pounced at the right time,” I said, taking a bigger step to open up with these women. “After my parents were killed in a car accident…”
Raisa sighed sadly. “I was never even told about that.”
“You weren’t?”
She rolled her eyes. “Well, it doesn’t surprise me. You were a relation on my mother’s side and Konstantin never cared to stay close. He took glee in keeping information from me, deeming me unworthy of knowing anything ‘important’.”
That sounds so familiar.
“I was only twelve, but Erik was eighteen. He was legally able to file as my official guardian, and once he was…” I shook my head. “He asked Yusef to enforce my conditioning, and that was that.”
Because they were curious and while I was feeling ready to open up about my past, I went on. I gave them more details, like how I was moved often. About how they both screwed up with debts and were hurting for money.
They didn’t come out and ask if either of them touched me, but I saw the question in their eyes when I told them about how they were always careful not to hurt me in any way that would leave scars on my skin, only beneath the flesh.
“They never…” I looked at them one by one. “They never touched me like that.”
Sadie nodded, a sad look in their eyes. “They wouldn’t have wanted to if they were so intent on selling you as a pure virgin.”
“But they didn’t,” Raisa said, sounding stronger. “And they never will.”
I breathed easier with her firm conviction, one I agreed with and trusted every day I woke up free.
Not only because I knew Alexsei and his family would protect me, but because I was gaining my independence to fight if I had to.
Just knowing I was taking steps to be less submissive and passive meant a lot to me.
The conversation wasn’t an easy one, but as the conversation wound down, I was relieved.
Getting my story off my chest felt good.
It was a burden that could no longer hold me captive.
My memories would always lurk in the back of my mind, but as long as I tried to focus on the present and look ahead to the future, I could lock that darkness away.
Holding baby Roman was solid proof in my arms that it wasn’t a pipe dream or a fancy fantasy. This baby was living proof that I could truly believe and hope that new beginnings could happen.
That we could all make them happen.
After I left Raisa to nap and the others moved off to other parts of the mansion, I went to search for Alexsei.
When Misha was at school and he knew that I was preoccupied and not needing him, he busied himself in Luka’s study with the others. The project of taking out the surviving members of the Rivera family was the biggest objective at the moment. So was the search for Erik and Yusef.
Yet, when he looked up and saw me enter the room, he let out a long exhale and came to me.
“Something wrong?” I asked.
“No. Yes.” He rubbed his jaw. “I just wish we could have better tracks on them all so I can make sure they will never be a threat again.”
I kissed his cheek, loving how his arms wrapped around me in a loose but comforting hug.
“You will get them.” A sneaky nugget of annoyance flashed through my mind that he’d have the honors of that. I hadn’t given up on the secret wish that I could make Erik and Yusef pay for all they’d done to me. That I could be the one to kill them. That kind of closure would be final and fitting.
“And I will be grateful for when you do.” I adored this man for being the one to protect this family we were starting.
He stared at me, letting me drown in all the love that shone in his dark eyes.
“That’s why I came here to find you. To do this.” I framed his face and kissed him tenderly. “Because I hope you know how thankful I am for you. For all you’ve done for me.”
“I’m thankful for you, Kalina.” He kissed me back.
“And I want you to know that I realize this is love that makes me stronger. Not only the love I have for you and for Misha, but for myself.”
A wide grin covered his face now.
“Loving myself to stay strong and grow, to keep recovering from that hell I escaped from so I can have a clear path ahead to raising our little one with nothing but nurturing love.”
“We will, Kalina. We will.” He kissed my brow, and I closed my eyes to savor the bliss of having him support me, in good times and bad.