Chapter 34
KALINA
Fourteen years.
It seemed like such a long sentence, a massive length of time to endure before I could be free.
I wasn’t yet.
One more night. Just one more night.
Even though Alexsei was upfront that he didn’t know if my brother and Yusef would be at this location tomorrow, I hoped they would be there. That when I waited near the rendezvous point where these Rivera men would gather and hide, that Erik and Yusef would be there as well.
Sleep didn’t come easily for me. It couldn’t.
I tossed and turned all night, feeling so guilty to deprive Alexsei of a solid night of sleep that I went out to the sofa in the living room instead.
Reading over the things I was supposed to write a paper about served as a distraction for a while.
Yet, every time I let my mind wander, it went right back to the idea of witnessing my brother’s death.
He would beg. Negotiate. Whine and try to talk his way out of trouble.
Yusef would get bold and talk back, he’d bluster and attempt to argue for his release.
Both of them would deny that they’d done anything wrong to me, that it was their right to hold me captive and brainwash me for years.
I wished I could be there to stare them down and look them in the eye before they met their fate, but I couldn’t push too hard. Alexsei was right. I had to be cautious and careful with this baby I carried, no matter how badly I wanted to personally extract the victory of killing them.
Luka came downstairs first, and the sound of his walking by woke me up. A book fell from my lap and he stooped to pick it up.
“Couldn’t sleep?” he guessed kindly.
I shook my head. “No. Not really.”
“There is nothing to be nervous about.”
I raised my brows, doubting that in a heartbeat.
“About this mission today. My men will not fail.”
I nodded. “I agree. I have full faith in Alexsei. And the others.”
He sat on the armrest of the chair next to the couch.
“But I wish that I could…”
He didn’t frown or laugh. A look of understanding crossed over his wise face. “You wish you could do it.”
I nodded, glad he wasn’t judging me for saying such a thing.
Then he surprised me. Shrugging as if it wasn’t a big deal, he almost smiled.
“Perhaps Alexsei would let you be more involved than as a spectator.” He stood.
“My men take no chances on safety. So long as there is no threat to you…” He shrugged again.
“I wouldn’t begrudge you for wanting to claim your mark of revenge. ”
He left me sitting there so surprised. I’d expected him to ridicule me. To tell me to forget about wanting to do a man’s job. That I was being silly to want to kill them myself when his forces were so obviously trained to do the job right.
Later, when the women came downstairs for breakfast, I told them about how badly I wanted to be there to handle it.
They had different reactions.
“Meh.” Gabriella shrugged and made a face. “I wouldn’t want to bother. Alexsei can kill them for you.” She glanced at me. “More romantic that way.”
“No, no.” Raisa shook her head. “It’s personal.”
“Yes. It is.” And I figured that was why Luka wasn’t so against the idea of letting me tag along on the mission. He got it. As the strong Mafia boss he was, he likely took on many personal kills himself.
“I killed my father,” Raisa admitted, “and I won’t lie for a second that I sleep better every night because of it.”
“I don’t know.” Sadie cringed. “I am all for taking out men like them. It’s why I wanted to be included and participate in the takedown of that Obsidian Eye alliance. But I was about to pop.”
Gabriella laughed once. “Yeah. You did pop. And you popped out a baby that day. So I’d say you chose wisely to sit out on that ‘fun’ with Emil.”
“But I also understand that it’s not a weakness to let Emil take care of the uglier things for me.
” Sadie faced me again. “When my former coworkers from the bureau came up to me to hurt me, I was more than glad to let Emil take over killing them. I didn’t want to dwell on what was, but rather what will come. ”
“I like that perspective,” I admitted. “But it’s different.
They held me and manipulated me and isolated me and abused me.
For fourteen years. That’s more than half of my life that I lost. It is personal, and as much as it might make me a horrible person to say it, I need to see the justice of their being dead, by my hand, to fully close that chapter of my personal hell. ”
Gabriella nodded once. “Then go on and get them. After that, you can turn the page to this new chapter here with us.”
“Just don’t be rash,” Sadie warned.
“You can’t be reckless,” Raisa added.
I smiled, so pleased and relieved that they wouldn’t judge me for wanting to be a part of this ending. Their ending. I grew more and more excited that closure might be within my reach.
As Alexsei and I prepared to leave with the task force, we both stopped to say goodbye to Misha. He was hanging back at the mansion with Lev and Andre, but he came up to hug us both.
I could tell he was nervous for his father.
Even though no one would tell the children precisely where we were going or what was going to happen, Misha knew.
I was sure Lev did too. These boys were young, but they weren’t slow.
Observant and aware that bad people had to be handled with equal measures of force, they had to guess what this “job” was.
“We will be back before dinner,” I told Misha as he hugged Alexsei again.
It didn’t feel like we were going off to war. It was impossible to when the sheer number of Dubinin spies and soldiers would be accompanying us. The Riveras wouldn’t be able to survive.
“But why are you going too?” he asked, moving over to hug me next.
I held him close to me and savored the sweet affection he showed me. It wasn’t only Alexsei that he worried about. He was nervous for me, too.
“I won’t be gone for long,” I promised him. And I believed that. I trusted Alexsei and this team. “We’ll be safe.”
He hugged me tighter. “Daddy will always keep you safe.”
I sighed, treasuring this moment. He would still say that after what happened at the cabin, which was hard for him, too. “I know. He sure will,” I said, watching Alexsei and hoping he could see the truth in my eyes.
“We will all be safe,” Alexsei told him.
Misha nodded, not letting go of me yet.
The boy had to feel like this every time Alexsei had to do something dangerous. We’d already started to talk about reducing his duties. When we house hunted, he mentioned semi-retiring, almost like Emil and Ivan had with their roles within the organization.
Kneeling down, I prompted Misha to release me from his hug. I got down to my knees to cup his face and smile at him. “I love you, Misha. And we will be back for dinner soon.”
A huge smile crossed his face. He beamed at what I’d told him. It was the first time I’d told him that, and I enjoyed the happy surprise. Before I could be ready for another hug, he launched himself at me and wrapped his arms around me tighter while still not bumping my belly.
“I love you too, Kalina,” he said.
Tears collected in my eyes as I held him tightly. I already was so fiercely protective of him, and I was glad that he had mutual love for me. He was just as protective of me, trying to save my life at the cabin.
“Will you be my mommy?” he asked as he stepped back.
I glanced at Alexsei and smiled.
While we were busy planning many things, namely how we’d live together and have this baby, we hadn’t actually gotten to the topic of marriage.
I’d assumed he might be interested. And that was an understatement.
Mostly, I had harbored a negative attitude about marriage.
All those years I was with my brother, he'd twisted my mind to view marriage as a death sentence. I wouldn’t have chosen to marry. He would have sold me like a novelty.
But if I could choose to marry or not…
Alexsei raised his brows with a sly grin. As if to indicate he wanted an answer from me for Misha’s question.
“Can you be my mommy?” Misha asked again.
I already felt like I was. That he and I had entered a bond that nothing could break.
I glanced again at his father who was patiently watching me. With an open expression of hope and intrigue, he was giving me the power to answer it. Not him. It wouldn’t be his call, but mine.
“Can I call you Mommy?” Misha tugged on my hand with a pleading smile.
“I would love that, Misha.” I wrapped him in a hug once more, my heart that much more healed and whole with the fact that this boy wanted me to be his parent. That he saw me as the motherly figure he’d been missing out on.
I wasn’t here to butt in. Interfering with them was not my goal. And that wasn’t what was happening, anyway.
Nothing could break me away from Alexsei, and that commitment of course extended to his son.
Marriage was a whole other topic to wade into, but I resolved to myself to take this all one step at a time.
Before I could start dreaming about going through the official process of adopting Misha legally or becoming Alexsei’s wife to share the responsibility of raising our children, I had to first ensure that the cruel and evil men who had tried to dictate who and when I could marry were no longer an obstacle in the way.