Chapter 13
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Zara
She didn’t go home.
Instead, she went to Arizona. Celia lived there and she knew that Hannah was there visiting. While the other ladies in Valley Falls had become her friends, Celia and Hannah were her two best friends, and she needed them now more than ever. It was just luck that Hannah had flown out that morning to visit with Celia for a few days.
When the plane landed and she turned her phone back on, she saw a dozen messages. None were from Noah, and that made her heart sink. Had he given up on her already?
Several were from Hannah and Celia giving her support until she could arrive, but it was the one from Heath that had her pausing.
Heath:
Are you okay? A little bird, and by little bird, I mean Noah, told me you were in town, but left quickly. He’s worried about you. Do I need to go beat him up? Because I will.
Zara laughed even though she felt like crying.
Zara:
Noah didn’t do anything. It’s all me and my fucked up heart. He could probably use a friend right about now, if you’re available. I’m in Arizona, hoping a good dose of friendship will fix me.
Heath:
You’re not broken. If you ask me, you might be the most stable person I know.
Zara:
If only that were true. Take care of him for me.
She clicked off his text to the one with Hannah and Celia, giving them a heads up that she was on the way. She wasn”t surprised when they both wrapped her up in their arms, hugging her for long minutes as soon as they saw her.
This was not like her. She was not emotional nor was she a hugger. She was the one who gave advice and comfort, not the one who needed it.
Had falling in love with Noah brought out something new in her? Because she wasn”t so sure she liked it. Letting emotions rule over facts and figures was not easy.
“Go sit down,” Celia said. “I”ll bring you a drink.”
“I don”t want to drink, but I do want to drink, but I really just want,” she paused and then answered honestly, “Noah.”
“What happened?” Hannah asked, sitting down next to her. She’d given them the bare minimum when she’d texted.
“He made me fucking love him, and then I couldn”t handle it. I bailed. I basically bailed on a man who made me fall in love with him and that I’m pretty sure loves me back, all because I”m cold and heartless and can”t make myself have emotions.”
“First of all, none of that is true other than the fact that you love Noah and Noah loves you,” Celia said. “Noah didn’t make you fall in love with him. You fell in love with him because something in you recognized him in a way beyond friendship. And, you”re in no way cold and heartless. You might not be the most emotional person, but that’s only because you keep your emotions in check because you”ve never needed to let them out before.”
“If this were a game show, I”d be slapping my buzzer,” Hannah said. “I”d be hitting it hard because Celia hit the nail on the head.”
Zara gave Hannah an evil look. “This is not the time for jokes or stupid sayings. Tell me what to do!” she yelled, pointing her hands to the sky.
“We”ve been over this,” Hannah said. “As recently as last night. We can”t tell you what to do. We can guide you and advise you, but ultimately, you have to make the decision.”
“You went to see him didn”t you?” Celia asked. She’d conveniently left that part out when she’d texted them for help.
She nodded. “After I left Allana”s last night, all I wanted was to see Noah. I made an impromptu decision and took the first flight available to LA. I got there early this morning.” She could still recall his face when he’d answered the door to her standing there.
Amazed and happy.
“What in the hell changed between then and now?” Celia asked.
“We talked about me staying for a couple of days, and I was on board. He asked if I’d come to his game tomorrow and at that moment, it made sense to me to mention I’d like to wear an Emperor’s shirt if I was there to watch him play.”
“Whoa.” Hannah’s eyes went wide. “You never wear team shirts. Not even when it’s Heath or Edwin.”
Zara glared at her. “Exactly, but I wanted to wear one for his team. A little later, he mentioned how wearing his team shirt made him hot and that the only thing better would be if I wore his name on my shirt.” She groaned. “That one little thing was all it took to send me into a spiral. It was too much.”
“Why was it too much?” Hannah asked.
She stood up, needing to pace. “Why wasn”t it too much? I don’t ever wear team logos. I literally don’t own any, and here I was offering. What’s worse is that I could picture it. I could picture myself wearing a jersey with Noah’s name and number, cheering him on, and everything inside me liked it. So why did I leave? Tell me why?”
“You pictured it?” Celia questioned. “How did it make you feel when you pictured it?”
She closed her eyes, letting herself imagine that picture again. “It felt good. Right somehow.”
“If it felt good, why did you leave?”
“What if it doesn”t work out? What if a week from now, a month from now, or two months from now, I”m not enough for him? What if I annoy him, or he hates that I”m not caring enough? That I don”t coo and cry over babies and puppies. That I”m blunt.” Her head was starting to hurt.
“Oh Jesus,” Hannah said. “I”m still here, and you”ve been all those things with me the entire time I”ve known you since college. I was eighteen when we met. Eighteen, Zara. And I”m almost thirty, and yet none of those things bother me. I mean, I”m really hoping that you might coo and cry over my baby when it gets here, but I don’t give a shit if you don’t.”
That had Zara looking at her friend. “Did you just say what I think you said? Are you pregnant?”
Hannah scratched her head and cringed. “Shit, do not tell Edwin that I told you this early. We are not telling people, and you just made me fucking spill my guts.”
“You”re pregnant?” Celia said, happiness evident in her voice.
“Yes, I”m pregnant. I”m having a baby. Oh my God, that”s the scariest thing in the world to say. Why am I having a baby? Who would have a baby? What is happening?”
“Calm down,” Zara said, sitting next to her friend again. “You”re going to be a great mom.”
“How do you know that? I have no idea what to do with a baby. I never babysat as a teenager. Hell, Jasmine is the only kid I know, and she’s old enough that I don”t have to change her diaper. Oh my God, I do not want to change diapers. Why would anybody want to clean up somebody else”s shit? That”s just disgusting.”
Celia laughed. “You”re making it a lot worse than it is, believe me. I”ve been there, I”ve cleaned the poop. It”s not that bad.”
“I don”t see how that”s possible.”
“Han, come on. I know you. You”re loving and you’re kind and you’re gentle and you”re giving. All of those qualities are going to make you an amazing mom. Plus, you”re not alone. You have Edwin, and he”s all of those things and more. Also, if I had to guess, he’d probably be a really good dad because he”s sort of already a dad without the kid.”
Hannah laughed, the tension coming off her finally gone. “God, he is such a dad.”
“But do you know the biggest reason why I know you”re going to be the best mom ever? Because you are going to love this baby so much and do anything in your power to make sure they are never hurt or upset. That”s what moms do.”
Hannah wiped a few tears from her cheeks and looked at Zara. “And you said you don”t have feelings and emotions. Such a liar.”
Zara groaned. “Was this just a ploy to make me realize I have feelings? Are you even pregnant?”
“Yes, I”m pregnant, and,” she slapped Zara on the arm, “I would never joke about that.”
“She”s right, though,” Celia said. “Look at how quickly you jumped to assure Hannah. How you wanted to make sure she understood how good of a mom she was going to be, and I bet you anything you”re going to be right by her side the whole time. You’ll be in the hospital cheering her on while she angrily tells you to shut up. And after it”s born, you’ll be right there holding and cooing and loving it more than anything. So don”t sit there and tell us that you don”t have feelings and emotions and that you’re cold-hearted. We know better.”
“When you put it like that, I sound fucking amazing.” She tried to laugh at her joke but failed. “Seriously, if that”s the case, why can”t I let myself love Noah? Why do I feel like running when I should want to stay?”
“It”s new to you,” Celia said. “New things are scary. “We have to work through, process, and figure them out. We”re not going to be great at them at first, but with practice and time, you”ll get there. Were you the best volleyball player when you played in college?”
“That”s a bad example,” Hannah said. “She was the best volleyball player.”
Zara shrugged. “I was.”
“Fine,” Celia said, “bad example. Were you the best agent when you started at Sports World?”
“Also a bad example,” Hannah said. “Because, again, she was. She signed clients right out of the gate who other agents had been courting for years.”
“Well then, I fucking give up.” Celia threw her hands in the air as she stood up and walked away.
“No,” Hannah said. “I see what you”re getting at, and actually, this might help. She”s used to being amazing at things straight out of the gate. She”s not used to working to get better at something. She’s just always been good at things.”
Zara opened her mouth to say something, but stopped because they were right. She was used to just automatically being good at things. Most things came naturally to her. School, friendships, her work, sports. Love was the only thing she had no clue about because it had never felt easy, so she’d stayed away.
“Shit, it was so simple and right in front of her face this whole time.” Celia sat back down.
“Hell, looks like I”m a product of my own doing. I never attempted love because it didn’t feel right. Something about it felt so foreign to me. I chose fun and sex over love because they were easy. Enter Noah, sweeping into my life. Literally, sweeping me off my feet, and I don”t know how to deal with it.”
“How are you going to deal with it?” Hannah asked.
“Fuck if I know,” she said. “But you have a point. I”m going to have to put in the work. For the first time, I might have to actually put effort into something if I want it to work, and I do want it to work. Even if the thought of loving him after only a few days seems insane to me.”
“It hasn”t only been a few days. It”s been since that night of the fire. He”s always been there, in the back of your mind. He was always the one that got away.”
“Can you not sing a Katy Perry song to me right now? Can”t you see I”m not in the mood?”
“It always annoyed me that the lyric was the one that got away. Shouldn”t it be the one WHO got away? I mean, I know she”s not an English major, but it’s still super annoying.” Leave it to Celia, the teacher, to bring a grammar lesson into a song.
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“Enough about Katy Perry,” Hannah said. “Zara, what do you need from us?”
She looked at both her friends and shrugged. “You”ve given me everything I need. Just having you as friends makes everything better.”
“Now I”m going to cry,” Celia said, pretending to wipe away a fake tear.
“Don”t be an ass.” Zara shook her head. “I think I need to call Noah.” She stood back up. “Is it okay if I use your back porch?” She needed privacy. She might tell her friends everything, but some things should be just between her and Noah.
“Yes. Go,” Celia said, practically shoving her towards the door.
The warm Arizona air hit her as soon as she walked outside. She toyed with her phone, thumbing over Noah”s contact information. She gave herself one final pep talk before clicking on his number. There was no backing out now.
“Zara,” he answered, out of breath like maybe he”d been running.
“Is this a bad time?”
“No, it”s a good time. Any time is a good time. I was just out for a run.”
That made sense. She knew he liked to run to burn off steam and to think.
“I”m sorry about today,” she said quietly.
“You don”t have to be sorry. I just wish there was something I could say or do to help you understand that I don”t want to pressure you. I just want to see you when I can. And talk to you in between those times.”
“I want those things too. I do. I think I just got overwhelmed with all of it. And the thought of me doing something that would turn you away from me...I don”t know, it kind of just made me freak out.”
“You act like I haven”t been watching you for years. I know your quirks. I know the good things and the bad things about you, and I still want to try to do this.”
“You”re saying there are bad things about me?”
He laughed. “Actually, there aren”t. There”s nothing that you do or say that turns me away from you. That”s just it. You think that when you get freaked out, or when your neurotic obsession to be in charge, or your lack of emotion— as you put it—comes out, it is going to make me not want you. That”s not even remotely true. Those are all parts of who you are. What kind of person would I be if I left you high and dry all because you weren’t what people define as perfect? You know about my problems. You know I have panic attacks and you’re not using them as an excuse to leave. Why would I not give you the same respect and do the same for you?”
She heard everything he said, and he was right, But what really stood out was his mention of his panic attacks. “Have you had any more panic attacks since Arizona?”
“Nothing full-blown,” he said. “Keeping busy helps, and this will surprise you, but talking to you helps a lot. When I talk to you or when you”re near, I”m somehow calm, and the panic never takes over.”
Of all the things she had to freak out about, that should be one of them. Knowing she helped keep him calm somehow calmed her. “I should have stayed. I wish I would have stayed.”
“Don”t beat yourself up about it,” he said. “We have time. I”m not going anywhere. I told you that, and I meant it.”
She paced the back porch, about to say something she”d never said to another guy before. “I miss you. I just left you hours ago, and yet I miss you.”
He let out a breath that she could hear over the phone. “I miss you too. “It”s not going to be easy to sleep in my bed tonight with the smell of you on the sheets. But, as luck would have it, I found a pair of your underwear in my living room, and I”m going to sleep with them under my pillow.”
“That’s disgusting.” She was smiling now, unable to stop herself.
“You think that”s disgusting? I”ve had my mouth on your pussy, and you draw the line at me sleeping with your underwear?”
“Don”t be crude.” Secretly she loved when he was crude.
“How are Hannah and Celia?” His question threw her off.
“How do you know I”m with Hannah and Celia?”
“I promise I”m not a stalker, but Heath told me you went to Arizona.”
“Stalker,” she joked.
“I”m glad you had them to go to when you needed someone to talk to.”
“If I had to guess, they”re getting sick of talking to me about this, so they had no problem slapping some sense into me.”
“You don”t strike me as a person who goes to other people for help a lot.”
“You”re not wrong. I”m the person that people come to. I’m not used to being vulnerable. I think that”s partly why this is so difficult for me.”
“I get that. I”m not asking you to change. If it wasn’t apparent, I like you just the way you are.”
“Bruno Mars. Good song.”
“Huh?” He said, sounding obviously confused.
“When people say phrases that are in songs, I like to name the song, and Just The Way You Are is a Bruno Mars song.”
“I know the song. I was just confused for a minute.” She could tell he was smiling.
“Get used to it. It”s part of my charm.”
He laughed deeply, causing a pang of desire. If she hadn”t been an idiot, she”d still be in California with him instead of in Arizona with her friends. Where he was not. Where if she wanted sex and orgasms, she would be required to do it herself.
She didn’t want to do it herself.
She wanted the orgasms Noah gave her. The good ones.
“What if I came back this weekend to see you,” she said, completely out of the blue.
Silence settled over the line. “Do you want to do that?” he asked slowly as if he was afraid to spook her.
Smart man. She huffed out a breath. “I have no idea what I want to do, but I know that I want to see you. Everything else I will have to figure out as I go. I can”t promise I won”t freak out again, and I can”t promise that I won”t leave you sitting at the airport in your car after you drop me off. The only thing I know is that when I”m with you, I feel good.”
“I have day games both Saturday and Sunday, but I will gladly give you all my extra time.”
“I can fly out Friday night and be there by the time your game ends.” She was going to do this. Fly back out to see him.
“I”ll send you a ticket,” he said, and she shook her head even though she knew she couldn”t see her.
“I can get my own ticket.”
“Zara, listen to me. I”m sure you know how much money I make and because of what I do for a living, I can”t come to you all the time. Let me do this. Let me pay for your ticket.”
She heard the genuine need in his voice. Heard what he was telling her without actually telling her. He needed to feel that he was doing something in this relationship they were having. That it wasn”t just one-sided.
She completely understood where he was coming from, and because of that, she agreed.
Now she just said to make it until Friday.
Something that was not going to be an easy feat.