Chapter 17 #2
This was happening too fast. I barely knew him. And there was Alex to think about, and Marcus, and the djinn power coiled inside me waiting to destroy everything I touched.
I pulled back sharply, pressing my palm to Dae's hard chest. "I can't."
He froze, every muscle going rigid beneath my hand. For a second, I saw hurt flash across his face before his usual mask slid back into place.
"Right." He stepped away, putting space between us. "Sorry. I shouldn't have—"
"No, it's not—" I struggled for words. "I want to. Gods, I want to. But everything is such a mess right now, and I don't know what I'm doing, and—"
"Hey." His voice gentled. "You don't owe me an explanation."
But I did. Because I saw the way his shoulders had tensed and the careful distance he was maintaining now. He thought I was rejecting him.
"I feel like I do," I blurted out. "I'm scared," I continued, the words tumbling out now that I'd started. "Not of you. Of me. Of what's inside me. What if this happens with us? And then what if I turn into something terrible and—"
"Alice." He caught my hands as I gestured wildly, threading our fingers together. "Breathe."
I stuttered to a stop, pulling air into lungs that suddenly felt too tight.
"We don't have to do anything," Dae said. "We can just... be. Figure this out as we go. No pressure. No expectations."
"You say that now," I whispered. "But what happens when you see what I really am?"
"Then I'll still be here." He squeezed my hand. "And I do see exactly who you are, yeobo. You think a little djinn magic is going to scare me away?"
Yes. Because it should. Because everyone who knew what Alex carried around looked at him like he was a time bomb waiting to explode.
Everyone except Kenya. His mate.
And Dae just stood there, holding my hand, looking at me like he'd already decided I was worth the risk.
Something inside me cracked open a little. Like a shell I'd been hiding inside my whole life, developing the first hairline fracture.
"I should go," I managed. "It's late, and—"
"I'll walk you back."
"You don't have to—"
"I want to. At least to the wards."
"Okay." I agreed, because despite everything, I didn't really want to leave him just yet.
We made our way back through the Quarter in uncomfortable silence. The air between us charged with everything we didn't say and what we almost did.
At the ward line, I paused. Dae stopped beside me, hands in his pockets again. Casual. Like he hadn't almost kissed me ten minutes ago.
"Thank you," I said. "For listening. For understanding."
"Any time, yeobo."
There was that endearment again. I should really establish some kind of boundary before this thing between us got more complicated.
Instead, I stood on my toes and pressed a quick kiss to his cheek.
His smooth skin was cool beneath my lips. He went completely still when I did it, like I'd surprised him.
And when I pulled back, something flickered in my peripheral vision. Gold. Bright and unmistakable.
No.
Not now.
I lowered my eyes before he could see them, my heart hammering against my ribs.
"Alice."
"Don't look at me," I gasped.
"Hey, hey." Dae's voice stayed calm. "It's okay."
"It's not okay!" The words came out strangled. "I don't know what's happening."
"You kissed me on the cheek. And you got excited. That's all."
His tone was teasing, but I couldn't stop the panic building inside of me. "No. That's not what happened—"
"It's nothing to be ashamed of." He gently took my hands and turned me to face him. "Look at me."
I couldn't. I squeezed my eyes shut, refusing to let him see. Because I knew what was happening.
My brother had golden eyes…
"Alice." His thumb stroked my wrist. "Please."
Against my better judgment, I opened my eyes. "What color are my eyes?"
Dae studied my face carefully. "They're brown," he finally said.
"Are you sure?"
"Positive." He smiled, and there was no fear in it. No disgust. Just that same gentle understanding that'd been unraveling me all night.
"I really need to go," I whispered.
"Alice, wait." He caught my wrist gently. "What are you so afraid of?"
"Everything!" The word exploded out of me. "I'm afraid of everything, Dae. I'm afraid of what I'm becoming. I'm afraid of losing my brother, or my cousin who's trying to save him. I'm afraid of the book hidden under my floorboards that I can't read. I'm afraid—"
I stopped, horrified at what I'd just revealed.
"Book?" His voice was carefully neutral. "What book?"
There was no taking it back now. Wringing my hands together, I confessed, "Marcus's book.
The spell book he's been looking for. It came to me three nights ago.
Literally just fell into my lap. Some kind of family protection magic had kept it hidden until someone down the line needed it most." I laughed bitterly.
"Except I can't read it. Not properly. The text swims and shifts, and I only catch fragments.
There's nothing useful. Nothing complete. "
"Have you told your coven?"
I shook my head. "No."
"Why not?"
"Because I'm a coward, and I know Judy will take it away, lock it up, and let Alex die rather than risk using djinn magic to save him." My voice broke. "And because part of me is terrified that if I can fully read it, it means I'm more djinn than witch. That I'm exactly what everyone fears."
Dae's thumb traced circles against the pulse point on my wrist, the sensation oddly intimate.
"Hey," he said softly. "You're not something to be afraid of. You're Alice Moss. The woman who wears rainbow colors and brings cookies to coven meetings. What's scary about that?"
I laughed weakly, the sound catching on the lump in my throat. "How did you know about the cookies?"
He smiled. "Lucky guess."
We stood like that, with him holding my hands and rubbing my pulse points, for a long time. "I don't know what to do," I admitted, but I wasn't sure if I was talking about the book, or about him.
"You don't have to make that decision tonight." His dark eyes searched mine, and I felt exposed, transparent beneath his gaze.
He lifted my wrist and pressed his lips against my racing pulse. The touch was feather-light, but it sparked something deep inside me, something that made my breath catch.
"Sleep well, yeobo," he murmured, releasing my hand reluctantly.
I stepped back through the wards, the magic parting around me like a curtain. By the time I looked back, Dae was out of sight, leaving only the memory of his touch against my skin as I walked home alone.
I didn't look back, but I could swear I felt Dae's gaze following me until I turned the corner.
But maybe it was just wishful thinking.
My apartment welcomed me with familiar silence. I locked the door, kicked off my dress, and climbed back into bed.
But sleep still wouldn't come.
Instead, I stared at the ceiling fan and counted rotations. Fifteen. Thirty-four. Fifty-three.
And somewhere between sixty and seventy, I pressed my fingers to my lips and wondered what it would have felt like to kiss him for real.
I wondered if I was strong enough to find out.