Chapter EightCan You Feel My Heart?
Chapter Eight:
Can You Feel My Heart?
Levi
Did his eyes get bluer? I don’t know if it’s the sunlight peaking through the tour bus windows or what, but I can’t look away. Something about him seems sad though, maybe that’s why they seem lighter today? His eyes have always given away what he’s feeling inside.
Fuck, I missed him, and he probably misses Leo. The thought makes me want to hit someone even though it shouldn’t. I don’t have the right.
“You almost seem disappointed. Do you like finding me people to fuck?”
“It’s what I live for,” he deadpans. “I just know how you get when you don’t have sex. I don’t mean just getting off, I mean human connection, however fleeting it might be.”
Yeah, well... none of those connections are with you, so they may as well be nothing.
I’ve gone months without meaningless sex, and at first, it was something I craved like an addiction.
But now? I’m just numb. Before sex was ever an option, my human connection was friendships and music.
While that was a lonely time in my life, it was nothing compared to how I feel now surrounded by people.
All I know I don’t want sex as much as I want to hold him, and I don’t even know what that means.
“How about this? If I’m ever dying for a connection, will you hold my hand? ”
Please smile. It’s been so fucking long since I’ve seen that smile.
His eyes drop to where I have my hands shoved in my hoodie pocket and squint like he’s confused. He’s silent for so long I almost take it back and claim it was another joke, but he nods. He fucking nods. “Yeah. I think I can do that.”
And I think I’m in love with you.
The realization slaps me in the face so strongly it knocks the air from my lungs, and if I was a better man, I’d tell him I was joking and go back to keeping my distance even though it’s slowly killing me. But I’m not a better man, I’m a weak one.
So I immediately grab his hand and close my eyes.
I don’t want to see whatever his face is going to do this time. But when his fingers go from stiff as a board to relaxed and laced with mine, the corner of my mouth quirks up. He needs this too, which means Leotard is slacking.
“What the fuck is going on over here?” Carter asks, snapping me out of it way too goddamn soon. “Are you stealing my rockstar, Sid?”
“I wouldn’t have to if you knew the first thing about handling one,” he counters. “Did you want to hold his hand instead?”
“Hell no. Is this how you plan on handling him all tour? Keeping him glued to your side?”
He sits his dumbass down across from us like we invited him to stay, and I narrow my eyes at him. “We were trying to nap. Go away.”
“Nah, my favorite show is on. Just keep going, pretend I’m not here.”
Sidney scoffs, but his fingers tighten around mine. “Favorite show? What’s that supposed to mean?”
Fuck.
I’ll fire him.
He’s about to put all of this on blast, and Sidney and I are nowhere near ready for that conversation.
I let him talk shit and make fun of me for it all when it’s just us, but not here.
He won’t make Sid feel any shittier than I’ve already made him.
“Hey, Handler. How about you call the hotel we’re staying at tonight and make sure they have all the shit I need?
You forgot last time and I let it slide, but I’m not feeling as nice today. ”
I give him a look that says fuck all the way off, and while he hesitates, he gets up muttering under his breath and heads back toward the front.
The damage might be done though.
“What do you think he meant?”
I shrug a shoulder and avoid his gaze, staring down at our hands until I feel relaxed again. “Probably me making an ass out of myself high, and you yelling at me for it. I’m not that high anymore though, just chill.”
“I only yell at you for it when you’re being unsafe. I worry about you.”
I don’t deserve that, but I’m too fucked up to tell you to not care. “And now? Will you still yell at me for it?”
I keep remembering the look in his eyes when he said I’m on my own this tour. I was so sure I lost him for good this time.
“Well clearly someone has to,” he mumbles. “Will you listen to anyone but me?”
Without thinking, I shake my head no and find it’s true. I trust him more than anyone, and I don’t mind it when he bosses me around in the daylight. I just wish I could boss him around in the dark.
If only he was mine. “Only you.”
“Then I’ll keep helping you on two conditions. One, you don’t touch my phone. And two, you cut back on the hard shit. Like way back.” His thumb brushes the side of my hand. “As much as you can, anyway. I won’t ask you to stop.”
Just one swipe of his thumb has me so weak I know I didn’t understand the meaning of yearning before this moment.
I’d do anything he asks right now, and deep down I’m grateful he isn’t demanding I stop everything.
He’s giving me grace, and everyone knows I need it.
“I won’t touch your phone, and I’ll try to stop the coke. ”
It’s all I can offer without making a promise I may not be able to keep.
“That’s... fine. That’s good. Thank you.”
I slump down a little in my seat and tighten my hand around his. “I mean, if Bash can cut the shit, I can too. Right?”
Bash was over all the partying before Alaina came back into his life, but I know we all still remember how he used to party.
He walked away like it was nothing.
“Bash knew he wanted something more than the high. Do you?”
Yes. But what I want will never be mine, so I live in this state of homesickness I can’t escape. It might be worse than not wanting anything at all. “I’ll do my best, pretty boy.”
“That’s all I’m asking for.” He scoots a little closer and opens his mouth to say something, but now Jonah’s walking over and staring at us.
“Fucking finally.”
Huh? “What does that mean?”
The bus suddenly gets hotter, but no one seems to notice but me.
“You two,” he laughs. “Holding hands, being gay or whatever. It’s about time.”
Sidney squirms. ”I’ve always been gay.”
“And I’m bi,” I rush out a little defensively. “Everyone knows that.”
But I fully understand what he’s saying now, and my eyes widen slightly as I give the most subtle shake of my head so Sidney doesn’t notice it.
Please don’t say it. Don’t ruin this. This is the first time I’ve held his hand, and I already need it every day.
“Yeah, but... ahh fuck it. It’s not even fun to mess with you guys. Congrats, though.”
He salutes us as his handler Jamie calls him back, and I’m left with Sidney looking at me like I have answers for him.
I have to get him thinking about something else before he pushes it and makes someone admit how long I’ve wanted him. I was right, everyone here knows.
“We have weird friends, Sid. Are you tired? Can we stay like this for a while?”
I slide my thumb along his hand like he did to mine, catching the way it makes him squirm a little.
“It’s strange that they’re all being weird about the same thing at once, but yeah. I think some sleep might be good.”
“Me too.”
I want to hold onto this feeling forever, but as I drift off, I know it will be gone by the time I wake. The good feelings never stay.