16. Chapter 16
Rhett
Idust my hands off as I stare down at what I've started. Pieces of wood are strung out in my makeshift garage. The cabins didn’t come with garages, so I built a small one to park my truck in during the winter.
It’s a lot of sheet metal, screws, and a bit of a hodgepodge.
But right now, it’s turned into a makeshift woodworking station.
My heart has felt incredibly heavy lately, and sleep escapes me every single night thinking about my unborn baby.
If I’m understanding the research I've done, they most likely won’t inherit BMD.
But what if there is that small chance I send this curse down the family line?
What if I’m the reason my child won’t want to risk having a family too?
The thought nearly makes me double over.
That’s why I started this. The second I heard I was having a baby, something awoke in me.
The carnal urge to provide and protect roars through me.
Mixing that with anxiety, the best way I can think of is to use my hands.
And why not build a crib? That way I can know for sure it’s sturdy and safe.
I’ve watched a dozen videos on how to build a safe and functional crib.
I’ve bought enough tools to switch careers and become a full-time woodworker.
Looking down at the watch on my wrist, I see it’s about the time Aspen gets off her shift at the hospital. Which means I need to refill her snack pantry and do whatever else she might need help with.
The lack of sleep has exhaustion gnawing deep, but from what I’ve read, Aspen probably feels ten times worse. If she can power through a twelve-hour shift, I can power through this.
Running into my cabin, I grab what I need to bring her: the instruction manual for babies and pregnancy book I've been reading, and head over to her place.
I warned her I would be stopping by so she wouldn’t have to get up to let me in.
I park my truck in front of her house, lights shining through her closed curtain windows.
It’s winter, so the decor on her tiny front porch is pretty bare; just one lone ‘Let it Snow’ sign rests against the outside wall.
Trying to balance the bags without dropping them, I push the door open and juggle them in one swoop. “Hey, it’s me,” I holler out.
My eyes search for her, they always do. Everything about this girl is sunshine; it’s like someone bottled up joy and anointed her with it when she was born. But today, her shine is a little dull. Dark circles rim her pretty eyes, and there is almost no hint of a smile on her face.
“Hey,” she says, looking far too exhausted for my liking. She smiles for me, but it’s weak and forced.
“You okay?” I ask as I set the bags down on the counter.
“Yeah, it was just a really long day and my feet are killing me. I had another bout of nausea so I haven’t really eaten, but now I'm too tired to cook.”
I walk over to the couch, pick up her feet and swoop them onto my lap. “Well, let’s get this done one thing at a time. Is it okay if I rub your feet?”
“Is the sky blue?”
“Well, it’s nighttime, so right now it’s black,” I joke, but when she levels me with one of her stares that makes my balls shrivel up, I nod and take off her socks.
“Sorry, I probably reek,” she says.
“I work with cattle. Your stinky feet are still a drastic improvement from literal cowshit,” I joke as I place her socks on the floor.
“Touchè.” Her lack of bite has me feeling even worse. I wish I could shoulder this for her, but since I can’t, I’ll make the load as light as I can.
When she closes her eyes as I rub her feet, I let the silence hang in the air.
I wonder how each little piece of her is so damn soft.
She is the polar opposite of me. Even when she puts on that brave face, I’ve seen the other side.
I’ve seen her vulnerable, I've seen her cry at sappy commercials.
I relish that for a moment, that I get a version of her that not a lot of people have.
When I rub my thumb over the arch of her foot, she lets out a small laugh and pulls her arms off her eyes. “Sorry, I fell asleep but that tickled.”
“That’s okay. I do have something in that bag that you might be interested in, especially if you’re feeling a bit run down today.”
She pulls her feet off me, and I take a few short strides to the kitchen counter and grab the bag with the haul I brought over.
“The lady at the store said you guys like this kind of stuff? I don’t know much about it, but the label said it was good for relaxation and sore muscles. You put it in your bath?” I show her the bag of Epsom salt. It has lavender and eucalyptus in the mix to help aid recovery and relaxation.
“You bought me stuff for a bubble bath?”
“Yeah, I just figured after working all day you might feel a bit run down.” I shrug, hoping it was the right thing to do.
“That is so thoughtful.”
“It’s nothing. I’ll go run your bath really quick, and while you soak and relax, I can make you something to eat.”
“Rhett, why are you doing all of this?” she asks, her face bunching up in confusion.
I blink slowly, trying to decide whether what I am doing is wrong and how to answer. “Well, it’s my job to take care of you right now. There’s not a lot I can do, but if I can make just one part of your day a bit easier, then I did my job that day.”
Her eyes twinkle as she looks at me, shining with something I can’t quite identify because she’s never looked at me like this before. I give her a half smile before averting my eyes and heading to the bathroom to run the water.
I heard it shouldn’t be over ninety-nine degrees; whether that’s a hard and fast rule, I don’t know, but I’ll keep it comfortably warm without teetering on hot.
Aspen creeps up behind me, scaring the shit out of me.
“Little jumpy tonight, are we?” she asks, humor lighting her eyes.
“No, you’re just good at slipping in unnoticed,” I joke.
“Whatever, you still jumped out of your skin.” She sticks her tongue out at me and looks entirely too fucking cute for her own good. Her cheeks are stained a pretty shade of pink from her cat nap.
“I’ll be out here when you’re done.”
“Will you stay and talk to me?” she asks.
I level her with a look. “You and me naked in the same room is how we got into this mess.”
She slaps my arm. “Not like that, I just miss talking to you is all.” She ducks her head as if the statement embarrassed her.
The last thing I want is her to feel embarrassed for missing me.
Because I miss her too, fuck I miss her now and she’s right here.
But I can’t have her the way I want her, at least until that test result is back.
I make a show of sighing heavily. “Call me back when the bubbles are covering you.”
She blushes. “Okay.”I take a few seconds of free time to run to the kitchen and fill her pill organizer. It’s nothing fancy, just some vitamins I read are good for her and the baby, and her prenatal with an extra boost of folic acid.
Sorting through one of the bags, I snag a protein bar. These are the good ones that don’t taste like cardboard dog shit. Since she’s not going to give me time to make her a meal, I at least want to help feed her while she bathes.
“Okay, I’m decent.” Her voice carries into the living room.
I walk down the hall, then turn into the bathroom, and seeing the bubbles almost completely engulfing her has a chuckle coming out.
“What?” she asks, her deep brown eyes batting up at me have that flutter in my chest happening again. I do my best to ignore it, like I always do.
“You look like you’re being baptized by bubbles.”
“Remind me to run a bubble bath for you one day, so you can understand its greatness,” she teases as she wiggles bubbles between her perfectly polished toes.
“You know, I think I'll pass on that offer, but thanks. Feeling better yet?” I ask.
“Yes, my feet and back were just hurting. It was the last of my three-day shifts this week; I always feel like ass after the last one.” She does what I assume to be a shrug; it’s a bit hard to see it under the bubble brigade.
“That’s good.”
Comfortable silence hangs between us for a few minutes. She closes her eyes, relaxing into the water. I set the protein bar down on the counter; I think she’ll be skipping it tonight.
“While you’re here, we should talk about how we want to do this once the baby is here?” She rolls her head to look at me.
“Baths?” I ask, a little confused at her train of thought.
She rolls her eyes. “No, our living situation. How we are going to split time with the baby. Where will the baby sleep? How will it work?”
It’s something I've thought about, but it still stings. The thought of not always getting to come home to my kid. Having to split time and miss their firsts. A fresh wave of resentment rolls over me for this damn disease. It’s taken so much from me, and I don’t think it’s done yet.
“I’m okay for whatever is easiest for you and the baby,” I offer.
In a perfect world, we would be doing this together. We would be together. This would be exactly how I would want my life to look like. Only it's not. Guilt washes over me with that thought. I’m not even sure if it’s what she wants, I know it is for me.
“Super helpful, thank you. I was thinking while the baby is little, overnights should probably be here, especially if I’m breastfeeding. Once that stops, I guess we can just take turns. Maybe you have them on the nights I work?” she asks.
“Okay.” I have an idea, but I’m not sure if she will go for it. “How would you feel about me staying on the couch the first few weeks. I know it’ll be a lot and I don’t want you to have to do it all by yourself.”
She sucks her lips into her teeth as she takes a deep breath, the only sign that maybe she didn’t like that idea. “Yeah, I think that would be good. It’s important for you to bond with the baby, too. A lot of that comes with the night stuff.” She nods, thinking through her words.
I feel my body relax, I hadn’t even realized I was coiled up. “Thanks, Aspen, I really didn’t want to miss that.”
“That’s usually the part people want to skip over; you sure you don’t want to...”
I lift my shoulder, trying to find the words to express what’s been going through my mind. “I guess that is the blessing that comes with getting something you thought you’d never have. You appreciate all of it, the good and the bad, for what it is, a gift. Time is a gift.”
“You are one in a million,” she says, looking more sad than happy.
“You okay?” I question as I reach out to wipe a bubble from her cheek. Desperate for any touch of her skin that I can get. She closes her eyes when my thumb brushes against her. She looks so damn beautiful right now. Cheeks rosy from the warmth of the tub and glowing skin.
She flutters her eyes and makes a noncommittal sound. “Yeah, of course, I’m just making some wishes.” She smiles at me. I don’t completely buy it, but I don’t push any farther. “Hey, your appointment is coming up soon, right?”
I nod my head yes. “Yeah, it’s in a week.”
“I’d like to come if you’ll let me.”
That appointment is the scariest thing I might ever do in my life, right next to being a parent. I’m not sure if I want her to see me like that. She looks at me like I'm indestructible, and I don’t want that to go away.
“You don’t have to. I won’t get any definitive answers from it.”
“It’s important to me to be there for you. You’ve been my rock through all of this lately and I think it’s the least I can do. Please.” She turns, and I have to fight to keep my eyes above the bubbles.
“If you really want to, that’d be great.” Maybe she will be the distraction I need. She’s the bright spot in any room she walks in, and I have a feeling I’ll be needing it. “You might be the one thing that gets me through it.”
It feels almost too vulnerable to admit that. To admit that I need her, or anybody for that matter. Truth is, I need her like I need the air in my lungs.
She looks far too happy to be going to a doctor's appointment. “Great. We should get lunch while we're up there. Try and make it a fun day.”
“Whatever you want.”
Her stomach rumbles and her cheeks flush.
“That’s my cue to go finish your dinner. Holler if you need me; I’ll have it ready when you get out.”
She nods, closing her eyes. I step out of the bathroom, walk into the hallway, then into the kitchen.
My mind is at constant war with my heart when it comes to that girl.
She is everything I need and everything I can’t have all at the same time.
There’s a lot of things I can be selfish with in life, but she isn’t one of them.
I can’t give her everything she deserves, but I can take care of her and I’m going to make sure to knock that job out of the park.