Chapter 25
BALI
Pregnant.
This was fucking great. I grabbed the stick from the vanity and broke it in half.
I no longer wanted to be pregnant, but as my luck would have it, I got pregnant off the first round of Clomid.
It had been a week since I’d spoken to Carter, so I guess he was done.
He still hadn’t found the balls to tell me that shit yet.
That was okay, because I was going to his house today.
I was tired of feeling like I was dying.
I’d lost nearly ten pounds this past week.
I hadn’t been able to eat or sleep. I missed him so much.
After washing my hands, I went to the kitchen and grabbed my purse and keys, then headed to the garage to make my way to Liberty.
He would be leaving tomorrow for Vegas. I canceled my flight.
There was no way I could go all the way out there and not be with him. I could watch the shit on TV.
When I backed out of the driveway, I saw Noni and Red outside.
She was trying to wave me down, but I ignored her.
Talking to anyone was out of the question.
I’d talked to Daddy, but he’d been busy trying to get Uncle Marcus out of that damn detention center.
He called and checked on me daily, but I hadn’t seen him since Sunday.
The drive went by in a blur. It seemed like I was on autopilot all the way to Liberty.
When I turned in his driveway, I could see him in the backyard at the barn.
I got out of the car and headed back there.
When he lifted his head and saw me, he dropped the saddle he was holding.
He seemed to be just fine not talking to me. He looked good as ever.
I swallowed my emotions as I approached him.
Digging in my pocket, I pulled out my engagement ring.
He bit his bottom lip as he watched me. I knew my face had to be red, because I felt hot and queasy.
My insides were threatening to expose themselves, and I could barely subdue them.
Once I was close enough to touch him, I grabbed his hand, turning it palm up.
As I stared at him, I could feel my body quake.
With my other hand, I placed the engagement ring in his hand and walked away. My cries escaped me as he called out, “Bali!”
I refused to turn to him. My cries were loud and uncontained, and I barely made it to my car.
I slid inside and locked my doors, then cried until I felt like I had to throw up.
When I opened my eyes, he was standing there with his hand on my window.
Quickly putting the car in gear, I began backing out as he yelled my name repeatedly.
He had a whole fucking week to talk to me.
He was the one with the issue. What was I supposed to reach out and say?
I wasn’t sorry about what I did. I was sorry that he couldn’t be with me because of it.
That shit hurt like hell, but I knew I had to move on for the sake of the life growing inside of me.
This would have to be my new normal, and it was time I talked to my sister about everything.
I didn’t want to talk to anyone until I had talked to Carter, but he showed me that he had no intent on making things right between us. He was good leaving me in limbo.
When I got home, Noni and Red were still outside, sitting on the porch. I would talk to her once he left. He was leaving tomorrow for Vegas with Carter. I put my garage door down and made my way inside. My phone chimed with a text message, so I pulled it from my pocket to see a message from Noni.
I miss you so much. I love you.
I flopped on the couch and responded, We can talk once Red leaves. I miss and love you too.
I set my phone on the coffee table and grabbed the throw from the back of the sofa.
Kicking my shoes off, I lay down and cried more as my phone rang.
I could see from where I was that it was Carter.
He could go to hell. My heartache wouldn’t heal if I didn’t push him away.
Eventually, I would tell him about my pregnancy, but it wouldn’t be any time soon.
Seeing him had my chest feeling like it was on fire.
I wished him well, but I couldn’t be a part of anything that included him right now.
It hurt too bad. My phone lit up, indicating he’d left a voice message.
I wouldn’t be listening to it, because I knew there was no way I could handle it.
The longer I lay here staring at my phone, the angrier I got.
He had an entire week to fucking talk to me!
I sat up, picked up my phone and threw it across the polished cement floors.
I lay back down and pulled the throw over my head, crying myself to sleep.
“Bali!”
I woke up to Noni’s voice. She’d used her key but couldn’t get in because I forgot to take the chain off the door.
I slowly stood and made my way to it. When I got to the door, I could see the sadness in her eyes, then her tears as she stared at me.
I closed the door to remove the chain, then opened it for my sister.
She immediately threw her arms around me.
I couldn’t even hug her back. I felt so numb.
She released me, and I walked to the couch and fell back to it. I was weak and just felt extremely tired. I knew depression was looming over me like a fucking cloud. I didn’t know what to do about it. I couldn’t socialize it away, because I wasn’t a social person. That would make me feel worse.
Noni sat across from me, with my phone in her hand, in the accent chair. She didn’t say anything, but her gaze seemed to be coaxing the words out of me.
“I went to Liberty and gave Carter the ring back.”
She brought her hands to her open mouth, and tears immediately sprang from her eyes. “Bali, I’m so sorry.”
I shrugged. “It is what it is. I’m assuming he no longer trusts me because of what I did. So, I guess I’ll just be single.”
“He hasn’t talked to you?”
“No.”
“Red said he was supposed to call since Saturday. He wanted Red to be with him when he made the call, but he ended up leaving before Carter was ready to call you.”
“Well, I guess he had bitch in his blood, because he didn’t call. He had an entire week to reach out. He was the one who was angry. He was the one that left. What was I supposed to do? I’m not sorry for what I did.”
“Maybe he needs reassurance from you about your love.”
I frowned at Noni and was about ready to put her ass out of my house. “Why? I didn’t do shit to him. Secondly, if that was what he needed, he should have communicated that.”
“You’re right. If he does want to talk, would you be willing to listen to what he has to say?”
“Only if he’s trying to understand why I did what I did and we will be together. If he still doesn’t want to be with me, what would be the point? I don’t need closure. Fuck that. I got that shit when he refused to talk to me for an entire week. I will eventually be just fine without him.”
I swallowed the lump in my throat, thinking about the baby growing inside of me. I couldn’t have been any more than four or five weeks. After I did a blood test, I would tell my parents and siblings. However, I knew I needed to tell Noni now.
“I need to schedule an appointment with you.”
“It’s time for your yearly already?” she asked with a frown. Suddenly, her eyebrows lifted. “You’re pregnant, aren’t you?”
“Yeah. I found out today. I hate that I am. I should have waited until we were married. We were supposed to just get married and have a ceremony whenever you were getting married. We always talked about doing that together. I knew you and Red weren’t ready, and I didn’t know if y’all would ever be ready.
We were gonna get married and not tell anyone.
I’m glad that didn’t happen. It would be that much harder to get rid of him and vice versa. ”
Noni dropped a few tears. “You don’t want to tell him about the baby?”
“I will, eventually. I don’t want him trying to make things work with me simply because I’m pregnant. I’ll tell him before I start showing.”
“Bali, I think you should—”
“Hell no. I can’t handle him being in my face right now. If he finds out, I’m gonna know you ran your fucking mouth. I’ll tell Mama and Daddy Mayor after my appointment. What do you have available?”
“We can do it tomorrow, if you have time.”
“I do.”
I lay on the couch, wishing things were different.
Before I knew it, I was crying all over again.
My mouth was reckless, but my heart, once penetrated, was soft as cotton.
Carter was a part of me, so it felt like I was dying inside.
Noni set my phone on the table and came to the couch, lifted my head and sat, allowing me to rest my head in her lap.
She played in my curly tresses while I purged all over again.
My phone started to ring, and Noni leaned over to look at it. I thought I broke that shit when I threw it. I knew it was Carter. No one else called me like that. She sat back and continued rubbing my head. “That was Carter. There’s also a message from Daddy.”
“Okay,” I whispered.
This felt weird. Usually this was me comforting her or Maui. I sat up and sucked up my emotions and grabbed my phone. I checked Daddy’s text message.
You okay, baby? I just wanted to check on you.
I closed my eyes for a moment and responded. I’m okay, Daddy. It’s time for me to suck that shit up and live my life.
I went to my missed calls log and stared at Carter’s picture. Noni was watching me intently, waiting to see what I would do. I clicked his icon and put the phone on speaker so she could hear.
When he answered, he immediately went in. “Bali, I’m so sorry. This is your ring, baby.”
I closed my eyes and remained silent for a few seconds. “Is that all you wanted to say?”
“I love you, girl. That shit is just hard for me to process. It has my mind going crazy with what ifs.”
“So we shouldn’t be together, right? Is that what you’re saying? You’re done with me, Carter?”
I sounded so fucking nonchalant, but I felt anything but. I felt like my world had stopped revolving. It felt like I was simply existing.
“I need time. I want to be with you, but my mind won’t allow me to right now. Can I have time?”
“Let’s just be done. I don’t want to have hope that you’ll come back to me, only to be disappointed that it never happens. If I’m no longer the love of your life, then that ring is no longer mine. I love you. I always will. Good luck at nationals and with the movie and everything. Bye, Carter.”
“Bali, wait! I don’t want us to end like this. Please, baby.” I could hear him falling apart by the way his voice quivered. “Don’t let me go,” he said softly. “Please . . .”
He was making me want to cry all over again. “Carter, you’re wanting me to hang on to you in limbo, not knowing if you’ll ever get over decisions I made. I can’t do that. That’s not fair to me,” I said as my voice quivered.
He whispered, “Don’t leave me . . .”
I put the phone on the table without hanging up and stood from the couch.
I couldn’t take it. He wanted me to just hang around without any assurances we would still be together.
Honestly, that was probably what I would be doing anyway, because I surely wouldn’t date anyone else, especially now that I knew I was pregnant. Carter was the only man I wanted.
When I got to my bedroom, I started the shower. Noni walked through the door, holding my phone with tears streaming down her cheeks. “I hate this, Bali.”
I nodded as she put the phone on my dresser. “I hate it, too,” I whispered.
My doorbell rang, and I slowly shook my head. I did not want to be bothered with anybody. I went to my bathroom and took off my clothes to get in the shower. They always stepped over our boundaries like they didn’t matter. I hated unexpected company.
Just as I was about to step in, Noni said through the intercom system I had installed, “Carter is outside, Bali.”
He must’ve been at Red’s house for him to get here so fast. I pushed the button. “Fuck no. I can’t go through this shit with him. I’m tired. I caaaaaan’t.”
Once again, I broke. This shit was so unlike me, and I hated it. I sat on the bench in the shower and put my hands over my face. When I heard the shower door open, my eyes popped open to see Carter getting in with me.
“No! You don’t want me anymore! Get out!”
“I will always want you. I’m sorry.”
He tried to put his arms around me, but I pushed him away. “Please don’t do this only to ghost me for another week. I can’t take this shit, Carter. It hurts bad enough as it is.”
He pulled me to him, and I didn’t have the strength to fight him.
I hated that he was here. It felt like I was being knocked back to square one.
In one fluid motion, he lifted me and lowered me on his dick.
I couldn’t even focus on the pleasure his dick always brought me.
All I could think about was that this was a goodbye fuck.
I wrapped my legs and arms around him and lowered my head to his shoulder.
I couldn’t moan, I couldn’t grunt, nor could I even enjoy it.
I was surprised I was wet. He grabbed my earlobe with his teeth and groaned as he wrapped his arms around me.
He was holding me tightly against him. My eyes were closed, and for the first time during sex with Carter, I was trying to disconnect.
When his movements stilled, I knew he was done. I slid from his arms and stepped under the spray as he stood there watching me. I stared back at him, wishing he would just leave. I was going to beat Noni’s ass for even letting him in here. I turned away from him and let the water drench my face.
His arms wrapped around me from behind, and he kissed the side of my head, then he left the shower. I washed up and rinsed off. When I got out, he was gone. The man I loved and had loved for my entire life was gone. I was alone in this world, and I was already hating every second of it.