Chapter Twenty-Nine Gideon
Chapter Twenty-Nine
Gideon
“I don’t fucking care how cold it is—get your asses moving!”
No one dares glare at me as my recruits trudge through the snow on a run. It’s cold as fuck out here. And it should be. It’s January in Montana, for fuck’s sake.
January 14.
We pass by the obstacle course, and all I can see is Lena, climbing those ropes, running through the tires, walking the balance beam.
Fuck.
Not ten minutes goes by without my thinking about her, and it’s been almost two fucking months. Two long, agonizing, terrorizing months.
Because the ranch, the one place on this earth that has always been my safe place, is a fucking torture chamber.
She’s everywhere.
In my gym, in my bed, in the kitchen. I can’t escape the memory of her, no matter where I go. I packed up all her things in a fit of rage and mailed them to the White House weeks ago. I’ve cleaned and scrubbed the house, and yet I swear I can still smell her oranges in my pillows.
It’s a madness that I wouldn’t wish on anyone.
Today is the last day with this round of recruits, and I decided to bring them out for one last run before they head to the airport. I can admit, I’ve been a complete asshole. I’m never here to be their friend, but I’ve been worse than usual.
And if they can’t handle it, they shouldn’t fucking be here.
One of the guys trips in the snow and almost takes a tumble, but he corrects himself fast enough and keeps going.
Finally, we make it back to the house, where the bus is waiting to take them to the hotel.
They all shake my hand before they leave, but I feel no connection to any of them. It’s as if they weren’t even here.
I’m walking through every day like a motherfucking zombie.
Once they’re gone, I go inside and take a shower, and wander into the closet to put on clean clothes.
A little piece of red fabric catches my eye from under the dresser, and when I tug it free, I see that it’s the little red satin panties that Lena had when she first arrived, before her new clothes got here.
Fuck me.
Without overthinking it, I press the material to my nose, and I can smell her.
I can fucking smell her.
Christ. It feels like the torment will never end, and this is the little piece of fabric that brings me to my knees.
I can’t do this. I can’t be here, on this ranch, without her.
I have to move.
Shaking my head, I pull on some boots and find my jacket, then get in my truck and drive to the farmhouse.
I’ve hardly seen Wills or Ryker. I stay on my side of the ranch, do my job, and keep to myself.
But today, I need to talk to them. Because I’m losing my goddamn mind.
“Hey,” Willow says in surprise when I walk through the front door without knocking. She walks to me and wraps her arms around me, hugging me tight. “I’ve missed you.”
“I’m just down the road.”
For now.
“Sort of,” she says and pulls back, scowling as she looks up at me. “Gid, are you eating?”
“I’m fine, Wills.”
She barks out a laugh, and I notice Ryker coming down the stairs.
“You look like shit,” he says and then walks into the kitchen. “Come on, let’s eat something. I’m fucking hungry.”
“I don’t need food.”
“Sure you do.” Willow pats my shoulder. “I have homemade pizza. How did this round with the trainees go?”
I can’t honestly remember. They just left, and I couldn’t pick any one of them out of a lineup.
“They’re fine.” I sit on the stool and shove my fingers through my hair. “I think I have to move off the ranch.”
The room goes still. They both just stare at me. Willow’s eyes fill with tears, and if my heart wasn’t numb, it would break me.
“I can’t do this,” I admit in a low voice, shaking my head. “I’m in hell.”
“Fuck,” Ryker whispers.
“Okay, so hear me out,” Willow says, holding her hands up. “Don’t yell at me.”
“I never yell at you.”
“There’s a first time for everything. What if you went to see her?”
“I was given an order. It was made very clear to me that I’m not to go near her. If I do, my family could be harmed.”
“That’s bullshit,” Ry says, shaking his head. “There’s no way.”
“She’s the president. She can do whatever she wants, and when you add mama bear to that, it’s scary. I’m not willing to risk either of you. Not ever. I’ve been in touch with Bishop, and I know she’s healing. She’s doing fine without me.”
“Or, you know, she’s surviving without you.”
I narrow my eyes at her as she bites her lip and looks like she regrets saying anything. “What do you know?”
Willow blows out a breath and leans on the counter. “Look, I’m not stupid enough to not talk with her. She and I became good friends, and I love her. So I found her email address and I reached out about a month ago, and I’ve spoken to her once or twice.”
I swallow hard, my heart suddenly in my throat.
“Is she okay?”
Willow smiles softly. “She’s okay. She’s getting her stuff figured out.”
“What does that mean?”
“Exactly what I said.” She shrugs. “Don’t give up, Gid.”
“It’s not giving up,” I insist. “I’m following orders.”
“You’re no longer an employee of the motherfucking government,” Ryker cuts in, his voice hard and full of anger.
“You’re a man. You’re entitled to a goddamn life.
Maybe more than the rest of us, given all you’ve done for this country.
You’re the best man I know, and if the president can’t see that, and doesn’t think you’re good enough for her daughter, she’s a fucking idiot. ”
“I really hope this house isn’t bugged,” I mutter. “She didn’t say anything that wasn’t true. I didn’t protect her. She was hurt on my watch.”
“I’m gonna call bullshit on this,” Willow says with a sigh.
“First of all, why did it take the powers that be all that time to figure out what was going on? Come on, they should have figured it out before she was ever sent here. They weren’t looking, Gideon.
Because they had other fish to fry, and it was easier to tuck her away, safe and sound, in the boonies than it was to launch a full-scale attack, or whatever. You didn’t do anything wrong.”
“I. Didn’t. Follow. Protocol.”
“You’re a human being.”
Fuck. I’m so damn frustrated. I have to stand and pace the room.
“It doesn’t matter if I’m human. It doesn’t even matter if none of it was my fault. It’s over. She’s not coming back.”
My voice falters on that last word, and I have to clear my throat.
“And I’m reminded of her everywhere I turn. I can’t do it. I can’t stand to be haunted by the one thing in this world that I want more than anything, knowing that I can’t have her.”
Willow brushes a tear from her cheek.
“Maybe we do some remodeling.”
I shake my head.
“You’re not going anywhere.” This is from Ryker, who looks so fucking pissed off—I haven’t seen him like this in years. “We’re a family. You’re not leaving this ranch. We’ll tear that house down and build a new one if we have to, but you’re staying here.”
Before I can reply, there’s a knock on the door, and we all stare at each other before we make our way to the entrance.
Ryker pulls it open, and there’s a man standing on the other side.
“Gideon James?”
“That’s me.” I step forward. Fuck. Has something happened to Lena?
They wouldn’t come here to tell if me if it had.
“You’re not an easy man to reach,” he says with a half smile. “I’m Dustin Harding, the warden at the Montana State Prison. I’ve been trying to call you but couldn’t reach you.”
I haven’t turned my phone on since she left.
Willow steps up next to me and slides her hand into mine. It’s sweet. Meant to comfort me.
She’s not who I want.
“I’m sorry to inform you that your father passed away last month.”
“My father died five years ago,” I reply with a hard voice.
Dustin nods and then shrugs. “Well then, Nicholas Peterson died last month, and I wanted to let you know.”
“I’m sorry you came all this way, because Nicholas Peterson doesn’t mean shit to me. He killed my mother and my unborn sister. You know that, right?”
He nods again. “Understood. It’s policy to notify next of kin. I’ll let you get back to your day.”
He walks out the door, shutting it behind him, and I’m suddenly in a group hug with my two best friends.
“Ryker’s right. You’re not going anywhere,” Willow says against my chest. “You’re right where you’re supposed to be, and you’re going to stop hiding. Because we’re your family. We are your family, Gideon. This is your home, and that hasn’t changed.”
“She’s right,” Ryker says.
“What are you feeling?” Willow runs her hand up and down my arm.
I blink down at her and then exhale. “Actually, I feel lighter. That asshole is gone for good, and he can’t hurt anyone I care about ever again. Even me. He should have died a long time ago.”
“He wasn’t your family,” Willow says. “And you were right, we lost our dad a long time ago. Gid, Ray and Debbie would be so fucking sad for you right now. Not because that murderous piece of shit died, but because of everything that happened with Lena. And they would be livid that you’re thinking about leaving. ”
I pull away from them. “Don’t give me parent guilt.”
“I’m not. I’m telling you the truth. They worked so hard to leave this ranch to us.
To all of us. But if it’s not whole for you without your girl, then go fight for her.
Bring her home with you. Ryker’s right, you don’t work for the president anymore, and everyone has had time to calm down, to take a breath.
The fear is over. Those responsible are either dead or in jail.
Maybe now is the time to have a conversation with people, to see Lena. ”
My heart stutters.
I’d give just about anything to see my girl right now. To hold her, kiss her.
To sink inside her.
I dream about her every night and then wake up in this nightmare.
I nibble on my lip, thinking it over.
“The worst she can say is no,” Ryker says.
“No, the worst she can say is get the fuck away from me, I never loved you, you need to go to hell.” I shrug. “Same thing, I guess.”
“His sense of humor is back,” Willow says. “That’s a good sign.”
“I know that I can’t go on like this,” I admit. “I’ve never disobeyed an order, but fuck. I can’t keep living without her. If she says no, I’ll respect that.”
Please, don’t fucking say no.
“But maybe I have to try.”
“That night,” Ryker says, “you told me that if anything happened to her, you’d burn the whole fucking world to the ground. Well, something happened, and I don’t see any flames, James.”
I stare at my brother for a moment. “Are you saying I should have tried harder?”
“That night? No. There was nothing you could do that night. But now? I don’t see why you wouldn’t fight for what you want. For what you love and need in your life. Lena loves you, Gideon.”
Willow nods, and then takes a deep breath. “Okay, I think I have a plan. The only downside is that you can’t rush to the airport right now.”
“When can I rush to the airport?” I ask her.
“In ten days.”
“Fuck that.” I pace back and forth, ready to pull my hair out.
“It’s a really good plan,” she insists. “And if you need convincing, let me show you something.”
She disappears down a hallway and then returns to the room, carrying another framed piece of art.
It’s the mountains at sunrise.
Fuck, my Rebel is so fucking talented.
“She sent this to me as a gift,” Willow says. “The rest of her work is going on exhibit in ten days.”
My eyes snap up to hers. “Where?”
“In DC. She’s getting a whole exhibit, Gid. But I want you to look at this a little closer.”
I take it from her and stare at the colors. The oranges and pinks, how perfectly she captured the mountains with snowy peaks.
There’s no denying that this is the view from my back deck.
As my eyes skim down, I see that she signed it L. James.
James.
You could always use a pseudonym, you know . . .
My gaze whips back up to Willow, and she smiles smugly.
“Tell me about this plan.”
Later that night, I crawl into bed, still missing the warmth of my woman, but feeling hope for the first time in so long, I’m scared to trust it.
Scared to believe that this could work.
That she will want me back.
She’s using my name as her pseudonym.
Out of all the names in this world, she chose mine. And if she wants my name, I’ll give it to her for good.
For real.
I pull my cell out of the drawer of my bedside table and power it on, and then watch in shock as hundreds of texts start coming in.
Hundreds.
From a DC number, and when I page up to the beginning, my heart stumbles.
Unknown number: God, I miss you.
Fuck.
Fuck.
Settling into the bed, I change the contact information to “Rebel,” and then start to read every single message from my girl.