Chapter 32
“It wasn’t enough.”
Crack.
“File for bankruptcy or sell the farm.”
Crack.
My mom’s words echoed through my head, and I tried to blink back the tears as I chopped log after log. We didn’t need any more cut, but I also couldn’t stop. The bank was threatening foreclosure so we had to decide.
Crack.
After the busy holiday bustle wore off and we graced into a new year, Mom finally had a chance to tally everything up.
Turns out it was a record-breaking year all around.
We made the most money than ever before during a holiday season…
but it meant nothing as we also lost the most money we ever had during the year.
I loved my dad, I truly did. Losing him was the hardest thing I had ever gone through, and then losing my grandpa shortly after almost killed me.
But my dad wasn’t good for Hart and Heart Logging.
He loved the idea of the business more than the actual work, and when he left us with heartbreak, he also left us with too much debt to crawl away from.
We were paying more in interest to loans he’d taken out than we had been able to bring in for years.
I was sick with anger. With my dad for letting things get to this point, with my mom for downplaying things for so long, with myself for not being able to find a way to fix this now.
There was no coming back from where we were. We were so badly in debt that our only two options were file for bankruptcy or sell the space that my family had lived in for generations. I couldn’t fathom it.
A frustrated yell escaped me as I slammed the axe into a nearby tree, sitting down on my large splitting log outside the home I had built for myself that I was likely going to lose soon. I buried my head in my hands and tried to catch my breath. It all felt too fucking hard.
Until a soft set of hands started running fingers through my hair, and a forehead pressed against mine, filling the air around me with that vanilla almond scent.
“Breathe with me, okay?” Her voice was whisper soft, and I did my best to match her steady inhales and exhales.
Her hand moved from my hair, bringing it to my face. She started wiping my cheek with her thumb while she kissed the other side of my face. I hadn’t even realized I was crying.
“I’m so scared,” I admitted to her, my voice breaking on the last word.
“I read in a book once—and have told myself many times since—‘It’s okay to be scared. Being scared means you’re about to do something really, really brave.
’ We might not know what that is yet, but if I know one undeniable thing about you, Calvin Hart, it’s that you are brave.
You don’t let any fears stand in your way when it comes to the way you show up for your family and your community.
Think about the way everyone came together for Christmas, they are going to help support your family through this, too. ”
Her voice was soothing, but her words did nothing. She had no clue how much we were in debt. It was a number you couldn’t come back from. This wasn’t just another good idea for a fundraiser that was needed. This would have been erasing decades of bad choices made by my father.
“I can’t ask anyone to fix this for me, Stella, it’s not possible.”
“Accepting help is different than a handout, your family has helped me see that.”
I just shook my head in response. There was no way to make this better.
She must have realized she wasn’t going to change my mind as she stood up, and I realized what an asshole I had been that she had been kneeling in the fucking snow this whole time.
“Come on,” she demanded, grabbing my hand and pulling me up to stand with her. “You are going to let me take care of you for a bit now.”
“We need to get those pants off you,” I grumbled once we were inside my house.
“I’m sure that can be arranged.” By the look on her face and the tone of her voice, I could tell the intention of what I’d just said came across entirely the wrong way.
“Stella, you’re soaking wet.” I still felt like such a piece of shit for not noticing she was kneeling in the snow while I was having my pity party.
“I mean, not yet, but I could be.” She was trying to break the tension and get my mind off things. I appreciated it but I didn’t deserve her.
“Stella, stop, how could you want me? I’m a failure.
This isn’t a matter of just a struggling family business anymore.
I have nothing to offer you. We need to sell the farm.
” It was the first time I said it out loud and the words made me nauseous.
I hung my head in my hands, too devastated to see the disappointed look on her face.
I couldn’t bear witness to her heartbreak, not when she had just found happiness, not on top of everything else.
Her hands found mine and peeled them away from my face. As she tilted my chin up to look at her, I noticed she wasn’t disappointed at all. A small sympathetic smile was there instead.
“Oh, Cal. You have already given me everything.” She kissed my hands every so often as she held them, encouraging me to keep eye contact with her.
“I’ve known some of the richest men who lead the saddest lives.
All they worry about is business and money and who they can screw over next, while they go home to no one and nothing.
Look around you, baby—look at this community, you have so many people who love you and are going to continue loving you, no matter what happens.
That makes you the wealthiest man alive. ”
Love. It was on the tip of my tongue to tell her that I loved her. I just couldn’t. Even though her words were comforting, I still didn’t feel deserving of the gift that she was. I didn’t want to take anything from her when another man had already taken so much.
“You saved my life, Calvin. You and this little town. You made me feel safe when I was in a world full of uncertainty. You helped me breathe when I couldn’t catch my breath. You’ve made life fun and silly and have filled it with so much love. Don’t you see how much you’ve given me?”
I shook my head, I just couldn’t.
“Well, if my words aren’t hitting, then maybe my actions will. Let me show you.”
She pushed me back to sit on the couch and went to straddle my lap, but I stopped her. “Stella, your pants.” They were still soaked from the snow, and I couldn’t imagine how cold her legs were at this point.
“So take them off me.”
I looked at her, unsure of how to proceed. I wanted her warm, and god, did I want her, but I also couldn’t stomach the idea of taking advantage of her.
Her face changed at my hesitation. “I-I’m sorry, did I read things wrong? Is this not what you want?”
Oh god, no. I couldn’t screw this up and have her think that.
“I have wanted you from the very moment I laid eyes on you. You were trembling in bed at the bed and breakfast and looked so cold and so terrified. I covered you with a blanket, but it took everything in me not to kiss your forehead or pull you into my arms to stop your shaking.” I was sure I’d gone too far, but I needed to give her my truth.
She needed to know how much and for how long I had wanted her.
And I think I needed to admit it to myself as well.
Her gaze hardened and her tone became serious as she repeated herself. “Take. Them. Off. Me.”
I slowly reached up to unbutton her jeans as I peeled them off her like a second skin. She was wearing a blue lacy thong, and my mouth watered at the sight. As I dropped the jeans to her ankles, I helped her step out of them and then she climbed up to straddle my lap.
My hands gripped her ass and the way she felt on top of me could have made me come apart at that very moment, and she hadn’t even touched me yet.
She crushed her lips to mine, needy for the kiss, and I couldn’t wait to give it to her. Now that I could feel her body in my hands, all other worries were starting to become nonexistent.
The only thing that mattered was her and me and the space between us.
I deepened the kiss, trailing my tongue against her lips as they opened, allowing me entrance. She tasted like one of Mel’s holiday coffees, sweet and minty, and like home.
She moaned into my mouth as she grinded on my lap, and as her breathing picked up I broke apart our kiss momentarily.
“Is this okay?” I asked her. I knew she was doing this for me, to get my mind off everything, but I needed to know that she was getting something out of this, too.
“It’s more than okay,” she confirmed and kissed my neck. Biting a little spot softly by my collarbone sent chills through my body and made me grab her ass harder.
My hands trailed higher to the hem of her shirt. “May I?” I asked, oddly similar to Halloween night. I didn’t want a replay of what happened then, and I was so worried I would trigger something to frighten her.
In response, she quickly tore her shirt over her head, begging me to have my hands on her.
I was done being polite and holding back while she was being so demanding. I scooped her up into my arms with her legs and arms wrapped around me like a monkey while she squealed. God, her ass felt even better like this.
“Calvin! What are you doing?”
“If I’m going to have you, it’s going to be in my bed.” The door was already opened a crack, so I kicked it the rest of the way while walking in with her in my arms. It crashed against the wall, but I didn’t care. The only thing that mattered right now was the woman I was holding.
I placed her down on the bed, but she quickly stood back up. “And what if I wanted to have you first?” she asked while reaching for the buckle of my belt, undoing it torturously slowly.
I was knocked speechless as she lowered herself to her knees at the same time as she dropped my pants, slowly pulling down my boxers only after she was face-level with my cock.
She took me in her mouth, and it felt so damn good.
“Fuck, Stella,” I hissed. The way her tongue ran circles around the head sent shivers up my spine and threatened to make me come apart already.
I tried as much as I could to hold myself back, but I still wanted to make her feel good and she needed to get her mouth off me if I had any chance of doing that.
I backed up and pulled her up to stand. She tried to give me a pouty look, but I kissed her hard and pushed her back toward the bed, forcing her to lay down as I continued to kiss her.
I trailed my lips from hers, down her chin to her throat and to the base of her neck, relishing in the tiny moans she would let escape her perfect lips.
Unclasping her bra with one hand, I peeled it off her to reveal the most perfect, pink nipples that reminded me of her snow-cold cheeks.
I’d never look at her the same in the winter again.
I kissed them each on my way down her body, taking note of every spot that made her breath hitch just a little more than others. I wanted to know her, every single inch of her.
When I got to her underwear, I reached up to grab the band gently but connected my eyes with hers first. “Is this okay?”
She nodded, giving me breathless confirmation in response.
I slowly peeled them off, my mouth watering in response.
“Oh, love, you’re so wet for me.”
“Told you.” She was so cocky when she was turned on, I loved this version of her. But who was I kidding? I loved every version of her.
The thought would have stopped me in my tracks if not for the way she writhed her hips on my tongue. Her moans were growing louder as she panted my name, and a deep sense of satisfaction fell over me as she came apart on my face.
“Get inside me now,” she demanded, hardly giving herself a second to catch her breath.
I wasn’t going to tell her no, especially when I was as hard as I was. She had gotten me so close with her mouth, and then watching her come had brought me to a whole other level. I needed to be inside her.
I grabbed a condom from an unopened box in the drawer of my bedside table.
As I climbed on top of her, tipping at her entrance, I locked my eyes with hers again. The heat in them was undeniable, but I still needed to be sure. “Is this okay?”
“Calvin, why do you keep asking if it’s okay?”
“Because, love. Just because you consent once doesn’t mean it’s continual. This stops the moment you decide it does. You have control. Your yes is only a yes for as long as it feels good, and if at any moment it doesn’t, I need to know. Okay?”
She visibly softened underneath me and her eyes shone with unshed tears. “Calvin. I—yes, please, take me,” she begged, bringing me closer.
As I slid inside her she moaned my name. The way we fit and the way we came undone together, the feeling was proof that neither of us would ever be the same again.