Chapter 27
Alice
I’m locking up my house when Sawyer’s truck pulls into my driveway. Gravel crunches under his tires. My heart jumps, but not in the good way it used to. Now it’s more like panic. My keys slip in my hand.
I've been avoiding him for almost a week, and I thought I was doing a decent job of it. Apparently not decent enough. I'd still reply so he wouldn't think I was completely ignoring him. Guys don't notice short answers, right?
He gets out of his truck and walks toward me, still in his uniform from his shift. “Going somewhere?”
“Madison’s. We’re having dinner.” The lie comes easily.
Madison is actually working late at a craft fair, but Sawyer doesn’t need to know that. I was just going to drive around to clear my head.
“Cancel it.”
“Excuse me?”
“Cancel it,” he repeats, stepping closer. “We need to talk.”
“About what?”
Sawyer gives me a look that says he knows exactly what games I’m playing. “About why you’ve been avoiding me for the past week.”
“I haven’t been avoiding you.”
“Really? Because you’ve been giving me one-word answers for the past week. And yesterday when I asked about lunch, you said you were swamped at work. But Nora told me you took a vacation day.”
Damn it. Heat crawls up my neck. I adjust my glasses. I forgot how observant cops are supposed to be. I thought I was being smart by still answering his texts, even if they were short responses.
“I wasn’t avoiding you. I just needed some space.”
“Space from what?”
“From this.” I gesture between us. “From whatever this is.”
Something flickers across his face that might be hurt, but it’s gone too quickly for me to be sure. "What do you think this is?"
"I don't know... a mistake?"
The word hangs in the air between us, and I immediately want to take it back. My stomach drops. But it's too late now. What is wrong with me? This is far from a mistake.
"A mistake," he repeats slowly. His jaw tightens.
“Yes. Look at what’s happening because of me. My mother filed a complaint against you, Sawyer. You could get in trouble because of me.”
“You think running away will fix that?”
“I think staying away from me will keep you from getting hurt.”
He tilts his head slightly with a sympathetic look in his eyes. “You’re not going to hurt me, Alice.”
“Yes, I am.” My voice cracks slightly. “I’m the reason you have a complaint filed against you. I’m the reason Lance was in Pine Hollows. I’m the reason everything in your life got complicated. It’s not fair to you.”
Sawyer steps closer, and I resist the urge to back away. “You’re the reason Lance is in jail where he belongs. You’re the reason I care about something other than work for the first time in years.”
“That’s exactly the problem. You shouldn’t have to deal with my drama.”
“Why not?”
“Because I’m not worth it.”
The words slip out before I can stop them, and Sawyer’s expression changes completely.
“What did you just say?”
I look away, embarrassed. “Nothing.”
“Alice.”
I don't want to look at him—shame keeps my eyes down—but something in his voice makes me meet his gaze.
“You think you’re not worth fighting for?”
“I think you’ve got a good life, and I’m just messing it up with all my baggage.”
“That’s not what I asked you.”
I hate that he can see right through me. I adjust my glasses nervously. Because if it does matter, if he really sees me as worth it, then I have to believe it too. And I don't know how. “It doesn’t matter what I think.”
“It’s the only thing that matters.” He reaches for my hands, and I let him take them even though I shouldn’t. “Alice, you are worth fighting for. You’re worth dealing with whatever your mother tries to throw at us.”
“You don’t understand—”
“I do. I understand that you’re scared. That your mother has spent your whole life making you feel like you don’t matter as much as other people. But you’re wrong.”
His words hit too close to home, and I pull my hands away. “You don’t know anything about my life or my mother.”
“I know she chooses Lance over you. I know she’d rather see you hurt than admit her daughter was being abused. I know she cares more about her paycheck than your safety.”
“Stop.”
“I know that she’s convinced you that you’re not worth it.”
“Please stop.”
“But she’s wrong, Alice. And if you walk away from this, then she wins.”
My eyes sting. Don't cry. Don't you dare cry in front of him.
“This isn't about winning or losing.”
“Yes, it is. She wants to drive us apart because as long as I'm in your life, someone will stand up for you. She can't control you anymore.”
I lean back against my car, suddenly exhausted. The metal is warm from the afternoon sun, almost too hot through my shirt. “I can’t do this anymore.”
“Do what?”
“Pretend that continuing to be involved with you isn’t going to cost you everything.”
Sawyer moves so he’s standing directly in front of me, hands braced on either side of me against the car. I can feel the heat radiating off him. My breath catches. “How about you let me worry about what it costs me?”
“But what if—”
“Alice.” His voice is firm but gentle, lightly grasping my chin between his thumb and index finger. “I’m a grown man. I can make my own decisions about who I want in my life.”
“Sawyer—”
“I’m not walking away from you because your mother wants me to.”
“What if she keeps causing trouble?”
“Then we’ll deal with it. But I’m not going anywhere.”
He leans closer, and I can smell his cologne, can see the determination in his dark brown eyes.
“Alice, I care about you. A lot. And I’m not going to let Tracy or anyone else mess that up.”
My heart speeds up when he looks at me like this. “You care about me?”
“Of course I do. Since the day we met, when that customer was acting like a complete ass.”
Despite everything, I smile at that. “That was embarrassing.”
“That was when I knew you were different.”
“Different how?”
“Different from anyone I’ve ever met.”
I want to believe him. I want to stop running from this, from him, from the way he makes me feel.
“My mother isn’t going to stop,” I say quietly.
“I know.”
“She’s going to keep trying to cause problems for you.”
“Let her try.”
“Sawyer—”
“Alice, are you going to keep running from me?”
I look into his eyes and see everything I’ve been afraid to want. Someone who thinks I’m worth it. Someone who won’t let other people decide what I deserve.
But I also see the risk I’m asking him to take just by caring about me.
“I don't know how to stop being scared,” I admit quietly. I push my glasses up my nose.
“You don't have to stop being scared. You just have to stop running.”
My chest tightens. “I'm not used to trusting really anyone.”
“I’m not going anywhere, Alice.”
I want to believe him. God, I want to believe him so badly it hurts.
“Can we… can we take this slow? I mean, I’ll stop avoiding you, but I need time to figure out how to trust that you won’t change your mind about me.”
Something that looks like relief crosses his face. “We can take it as slow as you need.”
Before I can talk myself out of it, I step closer and kiss his cheek. It’s not much, but it’s something.
“Thank you,” I whisper against his ear. “For not giving up on me.”
“I never would,” he says quietly.
As I pull back, I catch him looking at me with such tenderness that it makes my chest ache. I adjust my glasses, blinking back the sting in my eyes.
“So what now?” I ask.
"Now you go have dinner with Madison—" he pauses, one eyebrow raised, "—if that's where you're really going. And tomorrow, we grab coffee and talk about something normal. Just us.”
“I’d like that.”
“Good. Because I missed talking to my Alicat.”
“Me too.”
As he gets back in his truck, I realize I’m still scared. Still worried about what loving me might cost him.
But for the first time, I’m more scared of losing him than I am of the trouble I might bring.