Chapter 10
CHAPTER TEN
Now, it was well past six o’clock, and he had no real plans to stop. What was the point? He wouldn’t be heading home to giggle over dinner with his daughter, wouldn’t get to tuck her into bed at night. He wasn’t going to kiss his wife and tell her about his day.
He would just be headed back to an empty apartment. He regretted every time he’d felt overwhelmed by the noise that inevitably came with kids. Now, he disliked nothing more than the echoing silence that came from the absence of childish noise.
He supposed his bank account would thank him for all the extra work he was doing to distract himself, but nothing else about his life was slated to improve from these changes. He didn’t have to consider for even a second to know it wasn’t worth it.
He was distracted from checking the soldering on some wires when his phone rang. His dad’s picture, a goofy shot of the two of them on a fishing trip when Tyler was about the age Izzy was now, popped up on the screen.
“Hey, Dad,” he said, putting the phone up to his ear as he made sure that all his tools were powered down. You only had to hear a few horror stories as an electrician to know that double-checking was well worth the effort.
“Hey, kiddo,” his dad said. Tyler might be in his thirties and a father himself, but Rich Meadows would not be shaken from calling his son ‘kiddo.’ “How are you doing?”
“Eh, you know,” Tyler said vaguely, starting to re-pack his toolbox. His dad’s call was as good a sign as any that he should pack it up for the night. He’d be on this project, wiring a new construction that would be a hair salon, for a few more days, so there was no reason to rush. “Just working.”
“Working?” his dad echoed. “Isn’t it kind of late?”
Tyler chuckled at his father’s oh so innocent tone. “Real smooth, there, Dad,” he said.
Rich chuckled too. “Okay, you got me. I’m a little worried about you, son. It seems like you’ve been working a lot lately.”
“I am,” Tyler admitted. “And I know what you’re going to say next too. I know you’re going to tell me that using work to cover up feelings is not a good direction to take. I hear you. I just…”
“Yeah,” his dad said sympathetically. “Yeah, you’re going through it, aren’t you, kid?”
For a moment, Tyler considered putting on a brave face, but then he realized that this was his dad he was talking to. Rich Meadows wasn’t about to let any child of his get away with such a blatant falsehood, and no doubt it would feel better to tell the truth, the full truth.
“I miss them so much, Dad,” he said, not bothering to hide the pain in his tone.
“I just… I know, logically, how things went wrong between me and Cadence, but every time I think about her, I just think…” He sighed, trying to put this aching feeling into words.
“I guess it just seems worse apart than together. It can’t be better to hurt alone, can it? ”
His dad gave a thoughtful hum before answering. “Well, have you said any of that to Cadence?”
Tyler grimaced. “I… no. Not in so many words. And maybe I should. Probably I should. But what if doing that makes things worse for her?”
He thought back to the years of fertility struggles he and Cadence had experienced.
For him, the pain had been emotional, ongoing, and very real.
For Cadence, it had been all those things and it had been physical.
She’d tried to eat the perfect diet to promote fertility, had worried that she was doing something wrong that had led to their ongoing struggles.
And then she’d worried that worrying was the thing she’d been doing wrong, like her body sensed it was too stressed to add the complication of a pregnancy to her plate.
It had crushed him, watching her struggle.
He’d hated every time she felt one of those flickers of self-doubt, the ones that didn’t go away, not even when doctors had reassured them that it wasn’t Cadence’s fault, it wasn’t Tyler’s fault.
Sometimes these things just went like this. Sometimes it just wasn’t in the cards.
It had all been hard on Tyler. But he hadn’t been the one taking ovulation tests, then pregnancy tests that never came back positive. He hadn’t been the one whose body was most strongly affected. And he’d felt guilty that he couldn’t share that burden with Cadence.
He didn’t know how he could bear adding one more piece of pain to her life. He loved her too much for that. Even if things between them proved irreparably broken, he would always love her enough to want only good things for her.
Rich was not the kind of guy to mince words.
“It might,” he said simply. “She might feel that this is returning to ground you guys have already covered. But Ty… you’re separated, not divorced.
And unless there has been some movement you didn’t mention to me, neither of you has made any moves to file for divorce yet.
So maybe she’s feeling the same way as you are. You won’t know until you ask her.”
Tyler sighed again. “That’s darn good advice, Dad,” he said with a chuckle.
Rich too, laughed. “Hey, not for nothing have I been married for… heck, almost forty years now. Don’t tell your mom I said that, it makes us sound old.
And I know what you’re thinking, kiddo. You’re thinking, ‘Well, that old Mom and Dad of mine are the coolest, grooviest people I’ve ever met, so they’ve probably never exchanged a cross word in their lives.
’ But I tell you, son, we’ve had some quibbles in our day.
We haven’t had the exact struggles that you’re facing, and I won’t pretend that we have. But we’ve seen some things.”
“The casserole dish incident,” Tyler said solemnly.
“Hey, now. We don’t talk about that. Your mother is probably going to forgive me in another decade or so, but not if you keep bringing it up,” Rich teased before growing serious once more.
“Anyway, if you’ll let me share a little bit of wisdom, it’s this: life is short, but it’s also long.
Rushing things doesn’t get you anywhere you want to be.
If you intend to even try to repair things with Cadence…
don’t treat it like a sprint. Don’t even treat it like a marathon.
Treat it like a walk that the two of you are taking together. ”
“Again, very good advice,” Tyler acknowledged with a sigh. “And you’re right, of course you are. Right now, I’m focusing most on Izzy, and that’s where my focus should be.”
Tyler had been spending some of the lonely nights in his tiny apartment reading about how he could best show up for his daughter during this troubling time.
He wanted to be the best father he could be, no matter the state of his marriage.
A recent article had suggested that separation could be even more confusing for children than divorce, given how it was more uncertain and less final.
The writer, a child psychologist, had recommended something she called “fostering continual closeness,” which had basically been a fancy term for showing up, day in and day out, especially on days when Izzy wasn’t staying with him.
That would show her that he was a full-time dad, even if she was only with him part of the time.
He explained what he’d read to his dad, who listened attentively.
“That sounds like a great plan to me, kiddo,” Rich said. “And just in case you need to hear it, you’re already a great dad. Doing the research is just one of the many ways you show it.”
“Thanks, Dad. That means a lot, coming from you.”
“Aw, stop it, you’re going to make me blush,” Rich teased.
“Before I embarrass myself, let’s talk action items, huh?
You always did feel better with a plan. Why don’t you come up with something concrete that you can do soon to remind that sweet little grandbaby of mine that you’re always there for her? ”
Though Tyler agreed with this plan wholeheartedly, he found that coming up with an idea was easier said than done.
There were small things, of course, like going to grab ice cream, or taking a pause to sit down and talk about Izzy’s feelings…
but those were things he already did with his daughter.
He wanted to do something a little different, a little more special.
Even after he got off the phone with his dad, he found that he was still puzzling through ideas.
It was only when he realized that he’d been staring straight at a blank wall for nearly ten minutes without any answers to show for it that he realized that maybe the idea wouldn’t come to him tonight.
Maybe he was too tired. He’d try again tomorrow, fresh off a good night’s sleep…
or as good a night’s sleep as he ever got in his too quiet apartment.
He packed up his toolbox, leaving some of the larger equipment on the work site, since he would otherwise just need to lug it out again the next day.
The toolbox, a gift from Cadence and Izzy for Christmas a few years back, went where he went, however.
If he had a nickel for every time he’d been able to help someone out just because he had a screwdriver ready in the back of his truck…
Well, he wouldn’t be a rich man, but he’d have some lunch money, at least.
He opened the back of his truck, preparing to stow his toolbox in its customary spot behind the passenger seat, below Izzy’s car seat.
As she got taller, she liked to tap her toes against its metal top.
The sound drove him nuts most of the time, but he found, recently, that when she wasn’t driving with him, he missed it.
While stowing the tools, he noticed that Izzy had left him a little present—a picture, done up in clumsy crayon lines.
It was a smiling sun looking down on two stick figures.
One was clearly Izzy herself, as she always drew herself with two pigtails, but he didn’t think the other person was him, unless she took some creative liberties with his outfit.
Tyler didn’t think he owned matching orange and pink polka dot sweatshirt and sweatpants, but it had been a while since he’d cleaned out his closet.
Either way, the intended recipient of the picture was obvious enough from the Hi Daddy!
!!!! his daughter had written, complete with five exclamation points, just in case he couldn’t detect her excitement otherwise.
Tyler picked up the drawing, briefly pressing it to his chest as a wave of emotion overtook him. Being a dad was the best thing he’d ever done. Loving Izzy made every day brighter.
Another piece of paper fluttered loose from the drawing. It was a permission slip for a summer school trip to the cove, and at the bottom…
Attention parents: We are seeking chaperones for the summer school trip (see information above). If you are available to participate, please consider signing up! We would love to have you.
It was perfect.
Tyler loved the cove, and he’d been taking Izzy there since she was a baby, when Cadence had been desperate for a nap and baby Isabelle had been unwilling to be quiet unless she was in motion.
He’d put her in the baby carrier strapped to his chest and walked up and down the cove.
His love had gotten him involved in a local beach cleanup initiative, one that he attended nearly every weekend.
He’d spent so many years with a bag and a trash grabber in his hand that he’d become one of the go-to organizers for this branch of the cleanup organization, which had sections up and down the Atlantic shore board.
Izzy had come with him to cleanups dozens of times, probably at least a hundred.
It was just perfect. He didn’t even hesitate before grabbing a pen, his trusty toolkit serving him well once again.
The elementary school was on the way to his apartment, so he swung into the parking lot when he saw that there was still a smattering of cars in the lot.
Sure enough, he found Miss Elsa, the secretary, just as she was heading out.
“Oh, Mr. Meadows!” she exclaimed, slightly surprised. “What brings you in so late?”
“Sorry to interrupt you on your way home, Miss Elsa,” he said apologetically. “But I have this parent chaperone form for the cove trip. I just wanted to drop it off, but I can come back…”
He trailed off as the woman shook her head.
“No, no, I haven’t even locked the office yet,” she said.
“Give me the form, and I’ll put you on the list tomorrow morning.
I’m so glad you’re interested in chaperoning!
I know lots of parents want to, but it’s so hard to get away from work or whatever else is going on, so it’s always nice when it works out. ”
“Mine was less a matter of logistics and more a matter of my kid leaving papers everywhere,” he joked.
She smiled. “Ah, yes, that happens too.” She took the form and put it on her desk, rapping sharply as if to indicate that she would get to it swiftly the next morning.
“Thank you, Miss Elsa,” he said, hurrying to leave so the woman could also get to the remainder of her evening.
“Goodnight, Mr. Meadows!” she called back.
Tyler still had to go home to an empty apartment. He still didn’t know if things with Cadence could be repaired. His future was still a big question mark with no answers in sight.
But he was going to chaperone his daughter’s field trip. He was going to have a wonderful day with her at the cove.
And for today, that was victory enough.