Chapter 36
Emmy
“I’ve eaten too much,” I groan, rubbing my stomach as Luke pays the bill. “I may need to be rolled out of here.”
We talked for hours and my cheeks ache from smiling. But somewhere between the jokes and the tiramisu, we slipped into the kind of conversation that actually means something – the wounds, the scars, the shared history. And I realise I don’t want the night to end.
“We could get a cab?” Luke suggests, looking around for a taxi.
“Actually, can we walk? I could do with the fresh air,” I reply.
“Of course.”
We shrug our coats on and set off towards the river. Luke slips his hand into mine and my heart flutters in my chest. I glance up at him and smile. I feel like a damn teenager on a first date.
“I was too young when I got married,” I tell him, as we stroll along the river.
It feels like a night of honesty and I’ve been reflecting on the early days of my marriage a lot lately.
“I think I was so desperate to stop being Nick’s problem that I jumped into a relationship with Colin without taking the time to ask myself if it was right.
I barely knew who I was back then. I just didn’t want to be a burden to my brother anymore. ”
“You were never a burden, Em.” Luke squeezes my hand in his and we keep walking.
“Maybe not, but by the time I was 18, I was starting to recognise how much he’d given up for me.
I wish I’d been brave enough to realise that I could have been on my own, you know?
I assumed I needed someone else to provide stability and safety in my life.
I didn’t really give myself the time to learn that I could have been that for myself. ”
I sigh.
“There’s no changing the past but if I could go back in time and shake myself, I would. I understand the decisions that led me to get married so young but I wish someone had taken me aside and told me to live a little first.”
“Hindsight’s 20/20,” he replies. “I wish I’d realised Lucy wasn’t right for me long before I proposed to her. You can only work with what you know at the time. Don’t be too hard on yourself, sweetheart. Besides, you’re more than making up for lost time now.”
“True.” I grin.
We walk for a few more minutes, the lights of the Southbank sparkling on the water of the Thames.
“I don’t know what this is,” I say, voice low. “But I like it.”
I give him a sideways look and we come to a stop.
“Me too.” His thumb strokes the back of my hand. “I think I’ve been… lonely. And I wonder if we have that in common.”
The look of vulnerability in his eyes floods my body with a feeling I’m too scared to identify. I stand on my tiptoes to kiss him gently on the mouth, my heartbeat rising a few notches as his hands come up to thread through my hair. Had I ever really been kissed before I discovered kissing Luke?
It’s truly a full-body experience and warmth spreads through me like a bonfire going up on Guy Fawkes Night.
His lips move down to my neck and I let out a small moan before I can stop myself as he reaches the sensitive bit by my collarbone.
Just before I suggest we jump in a cab after all, a voice rings out.
“Emmy? Emmy Warner?!”
Luke and I break apart instantly, and the heat in my core is dowsed by a bucket of ice as I look over at my old line manager from work, who’s just emerged from a nearby pub on the riverbank.
“Oh, Jeff! Hi!” I manage, with faux cheeriness as I try to subtly wipe my mouth.
“I thought that was you!” He smiles and glances at Luke, doing a double take and going red. “Oh, er, I…”
“Colin and I split up,” I offer, putting him out of his misery before he turns purple from embarrassment.
“Ohhhh,” he says, looking relieved and then dismayed all at once. “I’m sorry to hear it.”
“Don’t be,” I reply. “This is my friend Luke.”
Luke leans forward to shake Jeff’s hand, who winces slightly.
We make small talk for a few minutes – work, the weather, Jeff’s new puppy – and all the while I’m hyper-aware of Luke standing beside me radiating heat.
Jeff keeps sneaking glances between us, clearly desperate to ask questions but too polite to pry.
Eventually, he excuses himself to find his Uber, and the second he’s out of earshot, Luke and I burst into laughter.
“That was awkward, which is saying something given some of the things I’ve witnessed at Salt,” Luke jokes.
“Thank God it was just an old colleague eh. Can you imagine if it had been Nick?”
My words land like a pebble thrown into still water - barely a ripple, but they sink fast.
The mood shifts and Luke clears his throat as we resume our walk along the river. Neither of us mentions Nick again.
We arrive back at Luke’s 45 minutes later and I’m knackered.
The house is warm already thanks to Luke’s fancy remote control thermostat, and he moves through the hallway, turning on lamps as he goes. I shiver slightly as I kick off my boots and follow him upstairs in my socks.
“Come on,” he says, taking my hand. “Let’s get you to bed.”
Ten minutes later, I’m wearing one of his T-shirts and curled under his duvet, which smells faintly of that fancy shower gel I can’t get enough of. He slips in behind me, warm and solid.
“I had a really good time tonight,” he murmurs into my hair. He slides a hand under my T-shirt and splays it across my belly, pulling me into him so we’re spooning.
“I did too,” I whisper back.
He sighs contentedly and relaxes, his body gradually going soft, his hand relaxing as he falls asleep.
I lie there awake in his arms as he sleeps behind me.
I’m warm and safe from the outside world, in our cosy little duvet cocoon.
But it’s not lost on me that the real danger is wrapped around me.
I’m pretty sure people who’ve agreed to a no strings physical thing don’t typically go for Italian and then fall asleep spooning.
That’s emotional quicksand for someone like me.
I’ve had the most wonderful evening. It was one of those perfect nights. And goddamn my stupid heart, I want more of them.
I can’t keep lying to myself: I want a lot more of Luke.
We need to have a proper conversation about what this is. Because I can’t put my heart on the line for casual sex, no matter how much fun we’re having.
If there’s even the slightest chance that he’s feeling the same way I am, we’ve got to decide what we’re doing. And then we’ve got to come clean to Nick. Lurking in the shadows never does anyone any favours for long.