Chapter 44
Emmy
Sloane
You nearly home?
Yep, just getting on the tube.
Sloane
Good, because there’s a very handsome, very sad-looking daddy dom on our sofa waiting for you.
My heart stutters in my chest, torn between panic and excitement.
Luke’s at our place?
Sloane
Yep. I let him in because it was raining but you say the word and I’ll send him packing.
I sigh. I’d hoped to have a bit more time to organise my thoughts before this conversation but I can’t deny that I want to see him.
It's fine. I’ll be there in 20 mins or so.
Bang on time, I walk through my front door and as promised, Luke is sat stiffly on our sofa holding a mug of tea.
“I’ll leave you to it,” says Sloane, squeezing my shoulder on her way out of the flat. The door snicks shut with a soft click and Luke and I are alone. He stands, goes as if to hug me, then pauses. It’s an awkward stalemate, neither of us knowing how to be with one another or exactly what to say.
“Emmy, I—”
“No.” I hold my hand up and cut him off. “You did quite enough talking for the both of us the other night.”
His face falls but he catches it and composes himself, shuttering his pain. He stays silent and I sit on the opposite sofa, gesturing for him to do the same.
“You promised me safety, Luke.” I stare at him, hard. I don’t shield him from the pain and disappointment that’s written all over my face. He doesn’t break eye contact but his eyes are lined with silver.
“I know.”
“You promised me safety and then you left me.”
“I know.” This time his reply is a whisper.
“You made a decision for us both, without speaking to me, without even asking me what I wanted.”
He nods.
“I used to be ok with that. I used to be ok with someone else deciding for me. But I’m not that person anymore. And you know what’s ironic? You’re the one who’s made me realise I’m worth more.”
He looks to the floor for a moment and I see the cracks in the mask deepen. He lifts his gaze back to mine as if it’s physically painful to look at me.
“I’m going to need alcohol for this. Do you want a proper drink?”
“Please.” He rises, bringing his half-drunk cuppa over to the sink.
I hand him a gin in a tin and we sit back down. On the same sofa this time. We crack open our cans in unison and I fight the urge to smile.
“I think I realised very early on that this thing between us didn’t feel like no strings sex, at least to me,” I start, summoning as much courage as I can.
“Even as we worked through my stupid list, the things I felt just got deeper and deeper. But I told myself that you wouldn’t ever fall for someone like me and that you were just doing me a favour after I basically strong-armed you into it.
I really believed that for a while. But I think we’ve both been lying to ourselves and to each other and… I’d like that to stop now.”
I finish my little speech and give him a lame shrug. It’s his turn to speak now.
“I’m really, really sorry,” he begins. “I fucked up. I fucked up so badly.”
He looks at his shoes again and for a heartbeat he looks like he’s about to cry.
But he steels himself and continues. “I realise now that I did the worst possible thing. I thought I was protecting you. Really, I was protecting myself from seeing the look on your face when you realise I’m not enough. ”
“Did you get to that conclusion on your own?” I ask, raising a brow.
“Jessie may have helped,” he replies sheepishly.
“I see.”
“I just got so in my own head about it all, and the fear that I’d only end up hurting you or ruining your relationship with Nick became the loudest voice. I told myself that I’d hold onto you for as long as I could and then let you go.” He lets out a breath.
“But you didn’t think to ask me what I wanted?”
“No,” he admits. “Because I was so obsessed with all the reasons it wouldn’t work out that I didn’t look for the reasons it might. I didn’t let myself see the potential of us outside of our original arrangement.”
He looks so unbelievably sad that I lean over and squeeze his knee.
“We both should have spoken up about how we were really feeling. But I still don’t understand why you felt like you had to protect me from yourself. I know the Nick stuff is complicated but he’ll get over it.”
He takes a long deep breath and looks at the ceiling for a few moments before he looks back at me.
“I don’t think I’ve felt good enough for anyone for a really long time,” he says, holding my gaze. “And I know that I’ve got to work on that. I should have trusted you enough to tell you I had already fallen in love with you.”
My breath catches, and for a second, I’m not sure if my heart’s still beating. Of course I’d wondered if he was feeling the same as me but hearing him confess it – raw, unguarded, without an ounce of control – hits me like a wave.
I blink hard, because if I don’t, I’m going to cry all over him. Again. I finally manage to say, “I’m in love with you too.”
The words hang in the air between us like a reverberation. He gives me a small hopeful smile.
“You’re everything to me, Em. And I want to be with you more than I can say. But I have to be someone who’s worthy of you and I’m… not sure that I can do that until I’ve fixed the parts of myself that are broken.”
I pause, the weight of his words sinking in.
“What are you saying?”
“I’m asking you to give me a bit of time,” he says softly. “I think I should probably get some proper help. See a therapist. I should have done it years ago when things got so bad after Lucy. There is stuff I need to work through so that I can be everything I need to be for you.”
I nod slowly, but my heart is feeling splintery in my chest.
“You’re already worthy, Luke. I love you.”
“And I love you. But not dealing with my issues has almost cost me the best thing that’s ever happened to me. And I can’t risk that happening ever again. I don’t want to come back as the man who left you once. I want to come back as the man who’ll never leave again.”
I’m moving before I realise it, climbing into his lap as if by instinct. His hands go to my waist automatically and I swear I feel him trembling. I cradle his face in my hands and lean in to press a kiss to his lips.
“I’m not going anywhere,” I reply. “Time doesn’t scare me. But broken promises do. Come back to me when you’re ready.”
His eyes do fill with tears at that and we sit there, holding each other, for a long time.
When he leaves, he takes a piece of my heart with him.
But this time I trust it will be safe.