Chapter 2 #2
“How was school?” Aria finally asked him.
“It was okay,” he said.
Aria sat on the stool next to the counter and hung her head.
“Listen, Aria,” Thaddeus said. “I’m sorry about what I said last night.”
“I’m sorry for what I said, too.”
They were quiet again. It was almost as though they’d already said everything they needed to say. Maybe they would keep rehashing their fights until they drove one another insane.
“I got some news today,” Thaddeus said, clearing his throat.
Aria perked up. “Yeah?”
“I don’t know if I told you, but I applied for a work-study program,” Thaddeus explained. “It’s like a kind of paid internship. I got it.”
Aria was off the stool with surprise. Maybe this was exactly what they needed: Thaddeus with more purpose, Thaddeus with a career path, Thaddeus with a mission.
Her smile widened. “That’s incredible, Thad!
” She threw her arms around him. It took a second for her to realize Thaddeus wasn’t hugging her back.
It was clear she was missing something. She hung back and touched her hair.
“It’s not on the island,” Thaddeus said, his eyes to the ground.
Aria’s heart stopped beating. She couldn’t ask, couldn’t speak.
“It’s in London,” Thaddeus said. “It’s in, um, publishing. An editing gig. I seriously can’t believe I got it. I wrote a few short stories and a cover letter but never imagined I’d make it.”
Aria’s eyes widened. She’d always known Thaddeus was sensationally smart and worth so much more than he thought he was. But London! He’d applied for an internship in London without telling her! It was paid, and it was a path, but it was a path away from her.
Unable to keep herself upright, she sat back down on the stool and bit her tongue to keep from bursting into tears.
We were supposed to get married , she didn’t say.
We moved into this house so that we could plan a future together.
You weren’t supposed to move away. You weren’t supposed to leave the country!
Thaddeus was talking about the internship, about how excited he was to learn how to edit books, about the fact that he’d officially changed his college major to English literature and publishing. Previously, it had been everything from journalism to biology to statistics.
“I’m happy for you,” Aria croaked, her eyelashes fluttering.
Thaddeus took her hands. “Everything I said last night…” He wet his lips and started again. “I didn’t mean it. I just felt like I was in over my head. I felt so lost.”
Aria felt a tremendous pressure in her chest. She knew, even as he said it, that he wasn’t telling the truth. Last night, he’d been telling the truth, and now, because he was frightened of moving to London, he was clinging to his old belief systems. She could feel it in her bones.
She couldn’t lie to herself any longer.
“I am so happy for you,” Aria repeated. She wasn’t making much sense.
“The internship starts mid-June and goes till mid-October,” Thaddeus said.
“It’s only four months. Nothing really. I know you’re so busy with work, so you probably won’t even notice I’m gone.
And I mean, maybe you can come visit me in July?
And I could come at the end of August? And we can talk every day on the phone. ”
Aria closed her eyes and imagined that reality.
She imagined being in this house by herself, counting down the days till Thaddeus came home.
She imagined him calling her and telling her about his exciting life in London, about what he’d learned at his internship.
She imagined the friends he’d make there, the girls she’d worry about at his office.
She imagined that he’d pick up little anglicisms, like saying loo instead of bathroom or calling his pants trousers.
She imagined saying she loved him every night before she went to sleep.
She imagined that he’d get another gig after his internship and decide never to come back.
“Thaddeus,” Aria whispered, her voice cracking. “I think we both know what we need to do. I don’t want to be too frightened to do it.”
Thaddeus looked defeated, his cheeks blotchy. “I don’t know what you mean.”
Aria squeezed his hand. “You do know.”
Thaddeus’s eyes traced to the ground. There wasn’t oxygen left in the kitchen to breathe, and Aria’s lungs quivered.
It was unspoken. They needed to break up.
Maybe it wouldn’t have to be forever , Aria thought. Maybe after four months apart, they’d realize that they wanted to be together for good. It was what had happened to her mother and father, after all. But they’d needed twenty-plus years to realize it.
Could Aria wait twenty-plus years to get back together with Thaddeus? She’d be in her forties by then, the same age as her mother, practically.
She felt the great story of her unwritten life stretching out before her. She wished she could understand it.
“I do love you, Aria,” Thaddeus said.
“I love you, too,” Aria whispered.
There wasn’t much left to say after that. It was time for Thaddeus to get ready for work, where he’d give his boss a week’s notice, and he’d celebrate his internship with his coworkers. They kissed goodbye, but Aria had to pull herself away, lest she change her mind.
When Thaddeus pulled his car out of the driveway and drove to the restaurant, Aria flung herself upstairs to pack a bag. She couldn’t stay there a moment longer.