Chapter 29 And Now for Something Completely Different
I PARADE OUT OF THE darkness of the Royal Wing with a confused but mollified Bulan under my arm. A weird and novel feeling swirls in my stomach. Could it be regret? A sense I’m making a terrible mistake, launching me onto a path I’m too late to navigate successfully to the end?
No. It’s probably just hunger.
Throwing the entire tray of desserts at Hanry before I left the suite was likely unnecessary.
Maybe Bulan’s right and I should consider anger management.
But that will have to wait. Pivoting from planning a heist to a counter-heist is going to require reeling in a hefty quantity of chaos.
It’ll take a miracle to undo my wedding-ruining machinations and make Hanry and May’s nuptials worthy of the Spüktacular wedding brand.
So, first things first: I’ve got to divert Queen Mab and her entourage from May’s bridal suite.
I look left, right. Rub away snot dried onto my cheek. Aha. The Green Wing may be ineffably green, but the bridal suite will be around the corner and a few doors to the left. I remember the minty-toothpaste tinge of the wallpaper, and I remain unimpressed.
“Sabby, do you mind me interrupting your frightening determination to finish what I started here?” Bulan asks near my armpit.
Glancing down, I observe his pleading eyes. He could be intimating a thousand things, and I’ve no time for guesswork.
“What do you mean? Grandma Rose didn’t have specific plans for Fairyland, did she?”
“Not that I’m aware,” answers Bulan. “However—”
“Caww CAWW.”
A frazzled crow emerges from the shadowy eaves, a red sticky note attached to its beak.
“Ahoy there, Stefan! Sabby, look!” As if I’m going to miss this harbinger of madness circling overhead. Since when did we have red sticky notes, anyway? Whatever. I reach up to take the note from Stefan.
It’s sticky with fresh blood. Satisfied at causing horror, Stefan the doom-bird takes off, all casual-like, in the opposite direction of May’s bridal suite.
“Ah, yes,” says Bulan. “Dave’s chosen mode of communication, blood! Stefan and I were looking into that sullen vampire’s rather nonspecific dilemma, right before I saved you from yet another poorly concocted life decision. You’re welcome, by the way.”
I swat him. There’s no need to rub it in.
“Listen, I’ll follow Stefan and figure out what Dave wants. Then I’ll visit May and Mandy. In the meantime, you go round up the rest of our troops and tell them about the change in plans. We’re canceling the heist and sabotage. Got it?”
I put Bulan on the floor. He waggles his eyebrows cheekily.
“Yes, ma’am! We’re still friends, right?”
“Shut up,” I say, but Bulan is already roll-bouncing away. Stefan flaps ahead of me, leading me around the corner. Immediately, I stumble into some minions.
“You three!” I shout. “We’ve had a major change of plans. I need you to communicate this to the rest of the crew. Got it?”
“Got it,” they say, but I’m already speaking over them: “First, we need to pen the antelope and the fox from last night, ASAP. Round up the ushers for me too. I want to go over their duties again, but they need to be clear that they cannot be naked. And when it comes time for the bridal entry, I know I said human women like to be showered in shoveled dirt and earthworms, but let’s go with something lighter… ”
“Helloooo, is that Sabby I hear?”
I’m not totally surprised Dave is still inside his oubliette.
What surprises me is that he sounds far more energetic than usual. At least until he adds mournfully: “Sorry about the blood. I forgot a pen.”
Mollified by this return to his typical way of being, I get to my knees and peer over the edge. About ten feet down, Dave stands with his arms extended to the ceiling, his wrists illuminated by glow-stick bracelets. Also, his mouth drips with blood.
“Dave, I need you out of there. I’m trying to unwind some of the chaos I’ve set up for the wedding, and we don’t have much time to do it.”
“Oh, interesting! Well, good news, bad news, Sabby…” Really? This looks like all bad news. “I found a way to get Gustavo and Jurgis out.”
“They’re not with you?” I call down.
“Of course not!”
“Then what’s the bad news?”
Dave doesn’t answer immediately. Which is how, behind me, I hear flapping.
And it doesn’t sound like the feathery, soft, chaotic crow wings I’ve grown accustomed to of late.
I think about turning around, but why bother?
I have a feeling I know what I’ll see. I close my eyes and take a steadying breath.
“Goddamn vampires,” I mutter.
“What’s that?” Dave asks.
Nothing. Just that I hope Jurgis and Gustavo really love the darkness of night and flying as much as they let on last night. Recovering, I call out, “I asked, ‘Why are you still down there, Dave?’ ”
“Because it’s very comforting.” I can’t see it, but Dave sniffs so loudly, it echoes up the chamber. “Sabby, my apologies for breaking their enchantments.”
“Thanks. Though I’m not the one who deserves your apology.”
After returning to my feet, I back away from the oubliette and turn to face the bats behind me—Gustavo and Jurgis, the newest members of the Community.
“Well, bats. If you’re unenchanted, then I’ll be honest: you have a choice.
You could leave now, if you want, but I could still really use your help with this wedding.
You don’t want to start off on the wrong foot in the paranormal world, do you?
No. Now, come on. Let’s go downstairs. Stefan, you going to stay with me, or go to Bulan? ”
Stefan caw-laughs at me and tosses a crumpled sticky note against my head. Having had its fun, the crow cuts across the corridor and vanishes. With Jurgis, Gustavo, and Dave gliding behind me, I step in the opposite direction, thinking nothing of Stefan’s oddness—
Until, from way down the hall, I hear Mandy’s voice, and Rochester’s.
They’re not talking. They’re doing something… else. Something that would cause a barrage of burps to emanate—and echo—from an enchanted wooden floor. And that might cause moaning. So much loud, unnecessary moaning.
No wonder Stefan fled so fast.
“Spüktacular Weddings!” I announce as I burst into the royal bridal suite. “Hello, everyone! How are we doing?!”
Shaki is calmly, enchantedly mixing blush beside Queen Mab, primly perched on her settee. Matthew is removing hair balls from his brush. It’s bewilderingly calm. You would never know Mab had just set out with an armed guard to commit murder.
“Oh, Sammy-mandible!” Queen Mab stands, a glass of fairy wine faithfully returned to her clutches. “You played such a funny prank! I was so hoping our old friend Bran had come to visit, but no! What a shame!”
“Ah,” I say. “You’re welcome.”
I could easily imagine my mom seated beside Mab, unintentionally mirroring the entire thing. Why are mothers like this? Drunk, oblivious, fun-oblivious, yet somehow always able to support their grim existence?
The fairy princess May, bedecked in glam diamonds and an over-the-top, antique, and slightly yellowed button-down wedding dress—yikes—spins on her stylist stool and casts me a carefully neutral look.
“Hello, Samantha,” she says.
Her expression is… haughty, obviously, but also calculating. I wonder what she did to get Queen Mab off the scent of Bulan’s body. Well, shrewd or not, she deserves some respect before being forced to wed a teddy bear of a prince in desperate need of stuffing.
In case there was any doubt, I’m definitely still pissed at Hanry.
I curtsy to my enemy. “Your Highness.”
Mab gestures to the bats at my side. “Who are these two?”
Possibly she hand waves some form of unseen magic, because at once Jurgis and Gustavo transform and topple into a heap.
“I’m a photographer,” says Jurgis.
“I’m a vampire,” says Gustavo, rolling over Jurgis somewhat dazedly. “And your videographer, sí. Oh! It is fun to fly!”
“They’re here to record the day. In the tradition of human weddings,” I remind the room.
Immediately, Jurgis leaps to his feet and gets to adjusting lighting, moving furniture, setting up shots.
Click, click, click. I can’t find any sign of Bulan’s body—I’m dimly curious what May did to manage that—but I decide to let the matter go and focus on damage control.
“Mab, I’m so glad you enjoyed my prank earlier.
Unfortunately, it’s a one and done. We’re going to stay on schedule after this. ”
The queen mother sighs in disappointment, her long face growing long enough that I want to fix it for her manually. But that would put me in reach of her pointy antlers. Not worth it.
“I’m so disappointed, Samba!” she whines.
I forcibly move Gustavo’s hand from his camera to prevent him from recording this particularly low moment. The less that’s on film, the less that can come back to bite me later.
“I know you are, and I’m sorry, but—”
“Mandy told me that human weddings have many elements that must come together,” May says for me. Her intervention reveals a concerning degree of understanding. “You want Hanry and me to have a good day, don’t you, oh Queen?”
The queen collapses against her furniture. “I do,” she says, resigned. “If only human makeup wasn’t so laborious!”
Since my new job is to keep Mab content, I take the hint immediately.
“Shaki, can you wrap this up quick? I remember Her Majesty wanted to discuss the florals downstairs. And it’s approaching one p.m.”
“Oh yes! Our guests will arrive soon!” The queen bubbles up with laughter so effervescent, she has to reach out for my arm to stabilize. “Was it yellow I was suggesting?”
“Purple, actually. Magenta.”
“Indeed?”
“Mm-hmm. Here’s my phone. Check out the pics.
Jurgis, come with us,” I command. The newly born vampire, temporarily returned to human form, licks his lips and reaches for my elbow.
I bat him off with a strict, “No! Bad vamp! The only thing you get to hold is your camera. I’ll give you blood downstairs, okay? ”
“Very well,” he relents.