41. Eshe
Eshe
I didn’t have time to process what I had done to Targon when my mind was flooding with worry.
Norrah was taken. I had to find her, but by now she was well on her way to Brestan. I wasn’t sure if it was last night or days ago… And I had to see Kavid. I didn’t know exactly what I wanted from him, but something pulled me to him.
I could do this alone, but something inside me held me back.
The winds of the desert blew recklessly, snapping the scarf around my neck. The sun upon my bare face was everything I hadn’t realized I needed and more.
Inhaling, I smelled the faint, clean smell of powdered sand and limestone mountains.
The sun was about a couple of hours from setting.
I needed to get away. I felt as if I were held inside the prison chamber for years, but really it was probably only days.
I chuckled softly, thinking of how confined I had once felt in the ‘prison’ chambers at Tehara’s palace.
That was nothing in comparison to the one at the bottom of the Atrove.
Not even the wind could carry my thoughts at this time, as they encircled my mind.
Thoughts of my family. Thoughts of Norrah and how she was doing right now. Thoughts of everyone I cared about… including Ezra.
I thought of where I began and where I’d ended up.
Who would have known, all those months ago, I would have fought alongside Ezra against Salazar, who was really Targon, the old Atrovian leader, who happened to be my real father.
I shook my head, still trying to make sense of it all.
I expected to get my revenge, but not in this way.
Not in this heart-wrenching, soul-crushing way.
I killed my own father, the father who had spent the most time with me. Who actually showed his love, even though it was through the disguise of a teacher. He loved me. And I, he.
It was strange. The murderer of my family had been living in my mind for the last eight years.
And it turned out I had actually been living under his roof the whole time.
I decided that I was no longer going to give him another moment of my life.
Even if he were my blood father—I brushed a hand over my warm face—but he did this to himself.
He chose to have an affair with my mother.
He chose to kill her, and kill them, my family.
He chose to take me away from my only surviving sibling.
He chose to fight for the Atrove. He chose to go after Ezra. He chose to give up Norrah.
If that made me a cruel person, then so be it. I was selfish enough to care more about being at peace than being at war with myself.
Over my shoulder, the Atrove’s stony mountain rose behind me.
I narrowed my eyes as they dropped to the bottom of the mountain.
It was a person. The person I wished I could call mine. My heart ached in an unfamiliar way that wanted him to be my person. I could hardly recognize myself and who I had become.
Ezra’s face was hard, his jaw tight. “I thought you left,” he bit out.
My mouth dried, and it wasn’t because of the heat.
“I told you I wasn’t going to.”
“I know…” his words trailed off.
“But you didn’t believe me?” I shifted in my seated position. He plopped nearby, and I felt like it wasn’t nearly close enough. I thought he had died, and my heart almost shattered itself. What did that mean for me?
“No, that’s not it.” He shook his head, his hair falling onto his forehead as he stared into the sands beneath him. “I had hope that you would have stayed. For me.”
My cheeks flushed, and it wasn’t from how warm it was outside.
I licked my lips but didn’t know what else to say, so I nodded.
My mind flashed back to the last moment we were alone together.
Doing things a woman like me, who wasn’t part of his harem, shouldn’t be doing.
But I would have done it again, a thousand times over.
After a few minutes of silence, he asked. “What will you do?”
“I need to find Norrah,” I muttered. “And I need answers from Kavid.”
Ezra picked a short straw nearby and twisted it in his fingers.
He wore black robes. I had been wearing one of the dresses Targon gave to Norrah and me, beige with threads of dark blue.
I laid out an Atrovian robe for me to sit on the sands.
The dress was light and permitted air to travel through easily against the harsh sun.
Neither of my fathers were alive now. My life was technically my brother’s to do with as he pleased.
To sell me off to a man to benefit his own purposes, like Casimir.
Or anyone else. Not that I would let him.
But regardless, it was dangerous to go back to Kavid.
I could potentially get wrapped up in obligation, shame… loyalty.
I slid my eyes toward Ezra. I had a feeling Ezra wasn’t going to let that pass, though. In fact, I bet the thought had crossed his mind.
“I think it’s wise to have a plan,” Ezra rumbled.
“Norrah most likely is already in Brestan, surrounded by Gabriel’s warriors.
And showing up at Crahst’s doorsteps, demanding answers, isn’t going to go well with Kavid.
You’ve been gone for eight years. Even though he’s your brother, a lot has changed.
And not to mention the small fact that he has tried to kill you once before.
We can’t trust what his actions will be. ”
I scoffed. I didn’t care about much anymore. I had avenged my family, and now I felt empty. It didn’t feel as I thought it would.
In fact, I felt worse.
Ending Targon’s life wasn’t it—it was something more. Something I couldn’t place my finger on. Perhaps the anticipation of avenging my family was greater than the act itself. Maybe in the end, nothing mattered because they were already dead. They were gone. Killing Targon didn’t change any of that.
“You should stay here, at the Atrove. It’s where you belong,” I said as softly as I could and continued to stare at the vast openness. I had business to finish, and they weren’t Ezra’s problems.
He scowled. “I’m not letting you see Kavid by yourself.”
God, more than anything, I hate when someone tells me what to do. “If I want to, then I will.” Feeling suddenly very defensive of my own well-being. “Nothing you can say or do will stop me.”
The air between us was a lot different from at the Oasis or the Atrove. When he held me after I killed Targon. That sweet, calm moment showed me that he cared.
It was much different now.
It was taut.
A dark and methodical laugh escaped Ezra’s lips, causing a shiver to run down my spine. He was staring at me, and it was unnerving.
My heart raced. “I’m not one of your women that you can control their actions or what they say or what they do. You’ll have to trust me, and if you don’t, then that’s not my problem.”
“I don’t do that to women, and stop acting like I do,” he said. “The harem is and was always a facade, a shelter for women in need of it. And as far as you go, you know that’s not true.”
“What?”
“That you’re not my woman.”
His eyes locked on mine. I straightened and said to him, “I don’t belong to you or Kavid or Casimir or my dead fathers. Haven’t you learned by now? I belong to no one but myself.”
My breath nearly left my body as I trembled under his scrutiny.
A burning darkness filled his eyes—flaming like the deepest hell on earth.
But no matter how hard I fought it, my body agreed and wanted to curl into his burning flames forever.
My body yearned for his touch and basked in it.
It was as if my body knew I was his and his alone. He was seeing right through me.
I bit my lower lip, realizing how the words I spoke no longer held as much weight as they did before.
Falling down the pillow of the sands, I closed my eyes with the warmth of the sun pressing on my face.
I felt his presence fall near me. I peeked an eye and saw Ezra doing the same, eyes closed.
His strong hand over his core. The memory of his hand running over my body, his body pressed against mine.
The way his tongue met my skin, the way his mouth was on mine.
“You can tell yourself as many times as you want that you’re not mine, Eshe. But the way you’re staring at me doesn’t make it any truer.”
I pressed my lips and turned my attention back to the sky. Idiot.
“I’m planning on going to Norrah first, not Kavid,” I admitted.
“There is nothing we can do for Norrah now. Gabriel is too powerful, and so is her father, Jakarta. Norrah was in our lands when we found her. She was alone and had escaped. But now, she’s under, from what I can safely assume, a powerful and heavy guard.
” Ezra’s head turned toward me. “We can’t openly combat Gabriel.
We could potentially go to war with Brestan. We’ll have to strategize.”
I turned my head, meeting his eyes. “I can’t just leave her. Who knows what he’ll do to her? Or what he’s done already?” Worry traced my voice.
“I promise, we’ll find her.”
I swallowed audibly, and my eyes fell to his lips. Not wanting to hold myself back anymore, I asked. “Are you coming with me to Kavid?”
“There was never another choice.”
My heart was stuck in my throat as I studied his darkened eyes.
For the next hour, we planned what we were bringing and when we would leave. Ezra needed a few days at the Atrove before leaving on our journey together. We both got up from lying on the dunes, brushing the sands off our clothes before heading back into the Atrove, through his private entrance.
“This is my place. No one comes back here. You don’t have to worry about anyone bothering you. You know the watering hole before my chamber?” I nodded, and he continued. “It’s shallow, so you won’t need me.”
My heart sped, and I realized I wanted him close to me—with me. At this point, I realized doing anything without Ezra sounded boring and… empty.
I shook my head slightly to myself and thanked him.
Once we entered the Atrove, Ezra took off into dark tunnels as I grabbed a cotton towel in his room and dipped my toes into the glowing blue waters. It was cool against my hot skin. I trusted him. It seemed shallow.
I slid my naked body down, and my toes met the stone.
The water stopped at my hips. It was perfect.
Scooping the water with my hand, the glowing blue water slipped through my fingers.
Bending my knees and arching my back, the water pushed itself around the strands of my hair and caressed my scalp.
I grabbed the bar of soap at the edge of the watering hole and washed my body.
I felt dirty—in the sense that I had taken a life and I felt…
ruined for it. I needed to scrub it from my body.
No matter how many times I scrubbed the entirety of myself raw, I still felt his death, as if it had seeped through my skin and carved into my bones.
Guilt.
I placed the bar at the edge and fell my forehead against both my arms. I took a deep breath, then another. The quiet sobs that escaped me didn’t stop as I felt a hand on my shoulder. His hand brushed my upper back, and I let out a shiver, which just caused me to sob even harder.
I didn’t want him to see my face. I didn’t want him to see how weak I was.
His hand reached the top of my head, and his fingers spread themselves through my strands. His fingers moved across my scalp, and I nearly whimpered apart. It felt soft and exactly what I needed. He wasn’t judging me.
It was easy like this—to just let go. To just feel. I sniffled and swallowed the rest of my tears.
Lifting my head, I met his strained eyes. “I thought you died,” I repeated myself. “I can’t… lose you, too.”
“You won’t. I’m not going anywhere, Eshe.”
My eyes dropped to his full lips. I felt more vulnerable than at the moment in the baths. Than when I killed my father. “You promise?”
Ezra leaned further into his crouch, his hand now wrapped behind my neck.
His lips met mine, and it took my breath away.
Every sensation was amplified around his kiss.
I wrapped my arms around his neck, and his arm went around my waist, pulling me out of the watering hole.
He lifted us both to our feet without his lips parting from mine.
I gasped at the coolness of the air that hit me, and his tongue swept in, warming me all over.
I sank into it even deeper, his kiss pulling me in.
He leaned back for a moment, our foreheads meeting each other. “I promise.”
He wrapped a towel around my body, and we walked to his chamber to change. Glancing over my shoulder, Ezra locked eyes with me.
They were as dark as coal and unwavering.
I was his, and he was about to take me.