Chapter 31
Penny
“You'd better start talking, missy,” Dottie says as she pulls me toward the conference room for lunch, which sounds completely unappetizing, like everything has this week.
It’s Saturday afternoon. We’re at Herald’s for the last lap-sitting event of the season. I’ve had to endure the agony of watching Matt being his undeniably charming, sweet self with the kids and grown-ups who have visited him all morning.
All while we’re still not speaking.
While dozens of strangers sat on Matt’s lap and whispered in his ear, I—the woman he said he loved a few days ago—kept my distance.
There were more than a few moments when I felt him seeking my eye contact, but this is neither the time nor the place for us to hash things out further, so each time I averted my eyes and busied myself with unimportant tasks.
“What do you want me to say, Dot?” I ask.
“What in the world happened with Matt?” she asks, as if the question were obvious to me.
“What do you mean? Matt did great this morning,” I say. “As usual.”
Everyone at Herald’s agrees that our first World’s Fittest Santa Contest has been a huge success.
Everyone except me.
After all, this contest is the whole reason I’m nursing this broken heart. Then again, if the contest had never happened, I never would’ve met Matt. And despite the pain I’m feeling right now, I can’t wish away the time I spent with him.
He changed me.
In the best possible ways.
I’m softer now, I think.
I allow myself to feel more.
And boy am I feeling things right now.
“How would you know Matt did great?” Keira asks. “You barely looked at him all morning. Except when his back was turned, and I caught you staring at him all misty-eyed.”
Damnit, my eyes are getting misty again.
Dottie wraps an arm around my shoulder as we walk. “Seriously, sweetheart, what’s wrong?”
That simple act of motherly affection from Dottie is enough for the waterworks to break free full force. Only this time, I’m not in the privacy of my own home bawling into my pillow, which has become my nightly ritual this week. Now, I am in the middle of my workplace where anyone can see me.
Including Matt.
“Get in here, honey,” Dottie ushers me into the conference room and pulls out a chair for me. “Sit down.”
Keira closes the door and locks it behind us.
“I just– I miss him.” I continue to cry.
“I’m confused, cutie.” Dottie strokes my hair. “Were you ever with him?”
“Yes,” I sniffle. “No. Well, we sort of were, but now we’re definitely not.”
I feel terrible for not confiding in my friends about what had been happening between me and Matt. Over the past month, I fell head over heels in love with him.
Now it’s over, and they never even knew.
Dottie’s brows furrow. “I’m not following, Penny baby.”
I sigh and let the words tumble out as quickly as they can exit my mouth.
“Remember last month when you forced me to sit on Matt’s rock-hard lap for those social media pictures?
Well, we ended up making out like crazy in Santa’s House immediately after, while you two ate your Cobb salads.
It was hot. It was amazing, actually! But he pulled away from me, I got defensive, and I literally left him standing there with his velvet pants around his ankles.
I thought he wasn’t interested in me in that way, but it turns out he didn’t want me to be some workplace fling because he thought we could be something more. Something special.”
I choke on the word special.
Because I thought we could be something special too.
“Deep breaths, honey, deep breaths,” Dottie coaches.
I don’t take her advice. I just keep rattling on.
“That was after he brought me the most delicious meal for two because he didn’t want me to be alone and working on Thanksgiving.
He stayed up late on the phone with me, listening to me talk about my messed-up family.
He created a workout named after me. He brought me into his super weird/super beautiful little kids’ holiday pageant and helped me recover my love of dance and choreography.
He took me to Connecticut to see my parents and gave them a piece of his mind when they didn’t treat me right. He’s– he’s– he’s—”
“He’s amazing,” Keira says softly.
I lock eyes with her. “He is,” I say. “He’s amazing. And I’ve lost him.”
“Geezuz,” Dottie says. “Where the hell have I been? Have I been a terrible friend lately, all wrapped up in my own romance?”
“No,” I wave a hand at her. “You’ve been happy and in love. That’s what I want for you. How are things with Leo?”
“Not the time, cutie. We’re talking about you right now.”
“This is my fault. Isn’t it?” Keira asks, sitting beside me.
“No.” I shake my head. “Of course not.”
“Eugene got in touch with me the other day. I told him everything. It was… uncomfortable to say the least. But maybe I deserved that. I’m sorry, Penn. Telling you not to tell Matt, that was… Well, I never should have put you in that position. I never should have dragged you into my mess.”
“Hey.” I place a hand on top of hers. “I’m fine. You didn’t ask for the mess. I’m so sorry for what you and the kids are going through. And you’re my girl. I don’t regret keeping your confidence. Not for a second. I’ve always got your back. Okay?”
“I love you Penn-Penn.”
“I love you too.”
We hug each other tight, just as a knock sounds on the conference room door.
Dottie opens it a crack, and the last person I expect to see is on the other side.
“Hey, Dot,” he says. “Is uh– Is Penny in there?”
Dottie opens the door fully to reveal Matt, still in his Santa suit, looking as handsome and charming as ever.
When his eyes connect with mine, something shifts in my breathing. Where it was choppy and labored before, it suddenly smooths out.
It’s uncanny how my body instantly relaxes whenever he’s near me.
“Hi,” I say softly.
“Hey, you,” he breathes. “Can we talk?”
“Yeah,” I say. “Yes. Just… not here.”
Dottie and Keira’s gazes ping pong between us as we awkwardly navigate whatever these next steps might be.
Matt juts his thumb away from the conference room. “Do you want to go outside or…”
“No, I—”
“We should leave you two alone,” Dottie says, inching toward the door.
“No, please,” I say to Dottie and Keira. “Stay.”
The truth is that I’m not ready to talk to Matt. There’s so much I need to say to him, but I’m not sure how I want to say it yet. And I’m terrified of messing things up even more than they already are.
I stand and approach Matt. It’s killing me not to be able to touch him right now. “For now, can I just say that I miss you and I’m sorry?”
“I’m sorry too, Pennywise. Can we just—”
“I need a little more time, Matt. Can we maybe plan on talking things out tomorrow night after the kids’ show?”
“You’re still coming?” he says hopefully.
“Of course, I am.” I smile. “I wouldn’t miss it for the world.”
He breathes a sigh of relief. “Tomorrow night, then.”
“Yeah.” I nod. “I’ll see you tomorrow night.”