Chapter 31
“Xev?”
He looked up at Shadow’s hesitant tone. “Yes?”
Shadow crossed Xev’s bedroom to where he sat on the floor, sharpening his sword. He sank down beside him to watch him work.
Weird.
When Shadow didn’t speak, Xev stopped sharpening his blade to frown at his enigmatic brother. Wow. This wasn’t like Shadow. Moody sullenness was Caleb’s territory. “What’s going on?”
Still, Shadow sat in silence.
“Is Caleb all right?”
Shadow let out a tired breath. “He’s not dead. Not that I’m sure that’s a good thing where he’s concerned. Pretty sure he wishes himself dead, every second of the day.”
Xev hated the fact that he concurred. Caleb was in bad shape, and there was nothing any of them could do to make it better. “Then what’s wrong?”
Shadow looked up, grudgingly, before he raked his hand through his brown hair. “I think I screwed up.”
That was nothing new. “Who hasn’t?”
Shadow gave him a pained expression that said he didn’t appreciate Xev’s attempt to commiserate. “This is serious.”
“I’m listening.”
His brother averted his gaze. “I haven’t been truthful with you.”
That was also nothing new.
“Yeah, and? You’ve always been a bit dodgy. Nothing new with that.” Shadow lived to hedge around things and never answer questions, no matter how straightforward they were. Even if he did manage to answer one, it was either vague or a half-truth.
So why would Xev be upset by his natural tendency?
“This is different, Xev.”
“Okay…”
Shadow looked up from beneath his eyelashes. “I started out in this war working for Azura.”
Xev felt the blood drain from his face. “What?”
“I wasn’t neutral, like I told you I was. I was angry at my father and wanted to lash out at him by fighting against him. I didn’t want anyone to know, especially given your true loyalties…and I want you to know that I have never betrayed them or you. I wouldn’t do that to you.”
That much Xev knew, because he was still alive. If Shadow had betrayed him, their mother would have seen him dead.
“Where is this conversation going, Shadow?”
“I think I might have caused the death of Lil, and I feel like shit.” Unshed tears shone in Shadow’s eyes. “I wouldn’t have hurt Caleb for anything. Or you. But I think I destroyed your brother.”
Dread clenched Xev’s stomach tight. “What did you do, Shadow?”
“I went to warn Caleb that I thought they might attack Lil. To try and tell him that he needed to get her to safety.” Shadow drew a ragged breath. “I was there, Xev. And so was my father. I was so busy insulting him that I left without saying anything to Caleb about the ensuing attack. Why didn’t I just warn him and leave? Why did I have to let my father suck me into that fight over the same bullshit we always fight about?”
Same reason they all did. It was easy to say that you wouldn’t let them bait you. But they were family. They knew where to hit to set off the worst bit of temper. And for some reason, certain family members seemed to thrive on watching you bleed emotionally. “It’s not your fault.”
“It feels like it is.”
Xev knew all about that. His own emotions kept gnawing at him. “What were you going to say to Caleb that night?”
“To watch her. I didn’t have precise intel. Only that my contacts had told me they were coming for the humans.”
“Same information I had.”
“I guess.” Shadow raked his hands through his hair and jerked at it. “I just got so distracted when my father started insulting me.”
“Easy to do.” Xev had done the same thing when he’d gone to free his father.
He curled his lip. “Why do we let them get up under our skins? It’s not like we’re children. I’m ancient. I know what he’s going to do and say. Why do I still let that bastard set me off?”
“Because no matter how old we are, there will always be a hole inside us that can only be filled by our parents. That wants their approval and love, even when we know they’re rotten pieces of shit who aren’t worthy of our devotion.” Xev set his sword aside. “That lingering, wounded part where you keep wondering what is so wrong with me that not even my own mother could love me.”
“Exactly.”
Xev got up to get Shadow some water. “Look on the bright side…”
“There’s a bright side?” Shadow asked.
“You don’t have kids.” Xev pinned his brother with a gimlet stare as he handed him a cup. “I can’t explain to you the feelings I had when Jared was born. You think you hate them right now? It’s nothing compared to what you feel when you see your own child and you realize just how wrong they were for what they did to you. That’s the moment when you really understand that it wasn’t us. We were innocent babies, and we didn’t deserve them for parents. There’s something wrong with them that they couldn’t look at a baby and love it. Because I promise you, there is nothing on this earth I wouldn’t do to keep my son safe. It wasn’t you, Shadow. Azura’s not capable of love. As for your father, I don’t know. Maybe she bitch-slapped him one time too many when they were together.”
Snorting, Shadow nodded slowly. “Jared’s not mine, and I feel the same way toward him. To be such a rotten bastard yourself, you do have a good kid.”
“The best.”
Shadow smiled at that. “You think Caleb will ever recover?”
Xev shook his head. “I wouldn’t. If anything ever happens to Myone or Jared, I’m finished. I have nothing else in this world that I care about or value, and that includes me. They’re the only thing that keeps me going.”
“And I have nothing at all.”
“You have me and Caleb.”
Shadow rudely scoffed at that. “Great. Two hemorrhoids. No wonder I can’t sit still.”
Laughing, Xev sheathed his sword and put it away. “So who are you fighting for now?”
“Same side you are.”
“Both?”
Shadow nodded. “But when the storm comes, I’ll be on the same side you really want to win.”
Kalosum. Because Apollymi, Noir, and Azura would destroy Xev’s son and wife if they won. Whatever he did, Xev could never allow that to happen.
“We are doing the right thing, aren’t we?”
Shadow shrugged. “That’s the worst part, brother. No one knows until it’s too late.”