10. Montana
ten
Montana
Dickface: I’m thinking about you today.
Me: Not today satan.
Dickface: Can I see you today? I’m back in Minnesota. I came to spend today with you.
Me: *left on read*
Dickface: baby girl?
It’s been one year—12 months. 52 weeks. 365 days. 8,760 hours. 525,600 minutes, 31,536,000 seconds.
I throw my phone on my bed. It’s barely eight am, way too early for his Jedi master bullshit. I have cried so much more today than I did when I first found out my parents were killed. I feel like a zombie today—like I’m moving in slow motion but everything around me is moving at regular speed. Kim Kardashian's cry face has nothing on mine.
I need to go out for a run to get shit off my mind. Rocky will be here soon, so I guess that’s what I'll do before he gets here. Run until my sweat and tears mix, and I can no longer tell the difference. Run through all the pain I feel from losing the best people in my life. Run until I feel the burn that I love so fucking much because this pain is one that I can control.
When I start my run, I don’t know where I’m heading, but my feet lead me to the one place my heart knows it needs to be at this moment. The cemetery. I haven’t been here since the day they buried the empty coffins placing yellow Chrysanthemum’s on my mom's. They were her favorite flowers because my dad got them for her on their first date. They are my favorite too.
“Why? Why did you have to die? I wasn’t ready to lose you yet.” I sniff.
“What am I supposed to do without you two?”
When that asshole, Vernon Grady, hit them while drunk, his family spoke on his behalf and pleaded that he was a great man who made a mistake, and they only wanted him to get a slap on the wrist. I wasn’t going to let that happen. I hired the best lawyers, and I wanted the book thrown at him, while his family requested mandatory rehab.
Fuck that.
I remember getting the call like it was yesterday.
It was 10 o'clock at night when I received a call from Uncle Atlas. I was studying with Holly, and early 2000s music was softly playing in the background. "I hope you aren't butt dialing me…again," I chuckled, knowing it wouldn't be the first time.
There was a silence on the other side of the phone. "Hello?" I heard a sniff, "M-Montana, there's been an accident."
"What do you mean?" I asked, feeling a wave of panic rising within me.
"Yo-your parents…they… th-they didn't make it," Uncle Atlas stammered.
The phone dropped from my hand, and I made a sound that I didn't even recognize. Holly rushed to my side, grabbed my phone, and started talking to Uncle Atlas. She hung up and cried with me, holding me until I fell asleep.
I shake my head out of the flashback. It wasn’t Vernon’s first offense, and he took the two people who mattered the most to me. Did he care that he got behind the wheel of the car drunk? No. He ruined my life. So, I did everything I could to make sure he wouldn’t ever get behind the wheel again.
“Daddy, you were supposed to walk me down the aisle and give me away when I got married. Not fully away because I'll always be your little girl. I miss our date nights, just you and me. You told me that you’d show me how I am supposed to be treated and that it wasn’t about spending money on me. You spent time with me. You were going to do that for my little girls. You said you weren’t going to let anyone’s son think that bare minimum was acceptable. If they want to, they will, and how actions always speak louder than words. You said that to me. I miss you so fucking much.” I’m wiping away tears, and I look over to my mom's stone right next to his.
“Mommy, you were supposed to be with me when I got ready on my wedding day. You were supposed to hold my hand when I had a baby. I needed you when Holly and Dylan broke my heart. You would have helped me egg their houses. Put some brujeria on their love lives.” I laugh a little through the tears with that one. She was always telling me to wear the evil eye for protection.
“You were always there for me; you were my best friend. My ride or die. I went to call you that day, the day my heart broke. I still have your voicemails telling me you love me. I miss our movie nights where I would snuggle with you, and we’d eat Mexican food. It was you and me against the world, and now that you’re gone, and I feel so alone. I miss you both so fucking much it hurts.”
The tears are streaming down my face when a beautiful white butterfly lands on my mom's grave, and I smile. She loved butterflies. When I was younger, my dad told me that on our Italian side they believe when you see a butterfly, it means a loved one who passed away is showing you they are still here.
“Hi, mommy.”
I check my smart watch and see it's been an hour since I ran towards the cemetery. I need to head back home since Rocky will be there soon.
I run back into the direction of my apartment, except I run right into a hard wall.
“Shit!”
Nope. It’s Rocky’s hard body.
“I’m so sorry! I went for a run and lost track of time.”
“It’s okay, pretty girl. I know today is a rough day for you.”
Wow, is he real?
Dylan would have been annoyed with me for making him wait.
I tilt my head to the side and smile up at him, because surely, this is just a mask. Right ?
Damn, this man is so damn sexy. He’s wearing black shorts with a Supreme shirt and that damn backwards cap that just does something to my lady parts.
“What’s on the agenda for today, Savage?”
“Go shower and I'll show you,” he says with a smirk.
We head up to my apartment, where I shower, apply some curl cream and some leave-in conditioner to my hair. Putting on some ripped high-waisted shorts, a white horror movie crop top with Michael Myers, Freddie Krueger, and Jason on it that says Get in loser, we're going killing, and slip-on my checker Vans.
When I finished getting ready, I walk out of my room, as I pass by the island in the kitchen, I notice a vase full of yellow chrysanthemums that weren’t there before. It stops me in my tracks, and I bring my hand to my face, tears stinging my eyes. Rocky’s watching SportsCenter on TV in the living room.
How did I not notice them?
“I ran back to the car to get them, I figured you could use them today more than anything,” he says, breaking me out of my daze. He smiles sheepishly at me as he rubs the back of his neck.
Walking up to him I wrap my arms around his neck, and I stand up on my toes and pull his head towards mine so I can give him a kiss. Starting off slow, then turning passionate as I lick the seam of his mouth and he opens for me. I move my lips against his, wanting more, as his calloused hands grip my waist and move down painfully slow to grab my ass and I moan into his mouth. I pull back because I don't want this to be just about sex with him.
He looks down, smiles and says, “What was that for?”
“For being you. Thank you for the flowers, they’re beautiful.”
“Just like you, Killer.” His eyes roam my body, and I see his gray eyes go dark. “And it’s a very good thing I know how to fight, because you look fucking good enough to eat.”
I roll my eyes at him playfully. “I’m ready to go when you are.”
“Let’s go pretty girl, before we never leave. Don’t forget your Polaroid camera either.”
“Okay.” I pick up my camera from the coffee table with our scrapbook, and he grabs my hand linking our fingers together, as we leave.
He opens the door for me to get in the passenger side of his black Subaru WRX. I have a Tiffany Haddish moment thinking, damn, this is nice. I’m not a car girl myself, but it's pretty.
During this drive, we sing to the radio. When I hear Taylor Swift’s Cruel Summer , I sing at the top of my lungs because who doesn’t when this song comes on? Laughter comes easy with Rocky.
We play twenty-one questions to learn more about each other. His favorite color is red. He’s been number eight his whole career because that was his dad's number too. If he didn’t play football, he wanted to go into sports medicine.
His hand ends up on my thigh during the drive and I love the feeling of it. They are rough from the years of football, but I love the feeling of his calloused hands against my soft skin. Seeing his tattooed hand on my thigh does something to me. I look more at his tattoos and see he has 2001 across his knuckles.
“When’s your birthday?” I ask.
“August 27 th ,” he replies with a smile.
“Hey, that's coming up soon!”
“Yeah, it is. When’s yours?”
“February 28 th ,” I say while looking down at his hands.
“Are you okay?” He rubs his thumb against my thigh.
“Yeah, I’m just not a fan of my birthday these days.”
We gravitate back to talking about random things, getting to know each other better, and forty-five minutes later we’re in front of Valleyfair amusement park.
I look over at him, and I want to cry. I can’t believe he remembered.
“Are you serious? You remembered?” I ask in an almost whisper.
“Of course, I remember. You think I’m not taking notes of what my girl likes? I knew today was going to be rough, so I wanted to do something that would provide you with some positive memories. I know you will always remember this as the day your parents were killed, but if I can make your day that much better, I will, baby.”
Tears well up in my eyes, and I sniffle them back because I don’t want to ruin my makeup.
“Come here, pretty girl, let's take a selfie before we walk in.” Rocky grabs his phone and snaps a couple of pictures. He takes one of him kissing my cheek, and I’m smiling like I’m a kid in a candy store.
“Will you send it to me?”
“Of course.”
I get it and set it as my phone’s background. He turns his phone to me and says, “It’s on my lock screen too. Now I can see you whenever I want.”
Gosh, is this man real?
“Okay, so…where to first?” he asks.
I smirk at him and reply, “Thunder Canyon.”
The rest of the day goes by fast. We have so much fun and I love making memories with him. He has shown me more in these past few weeks than Dylan showed me in the four years we were together.
We just got off the Power Tower ride and my adrenaline is at an all-time high.
“Let’s go eat.” Rocky pulls me away towards the different food choices.
After eating Mexican food, because hello, cheesy enchiladas, we go play some games. He wins me a stuffed elephant, and it’s the first time I’ve ever gotten one at an amusement park from a guy. I see a photo booth and pull Rocky in with me. There are five photos in a set and for one of them, he turns my head and kisses me. We smile, make funny faces, put bunny ears on each other and for the final shot I kiss his cheek while he is smiling with his teeth on display.
We see a sign for cotton candy, and I pull Rocky towards it. I get the pink cotton candy because that flavor is the best, but it has to be the pink vanilla.
“This has been the best day. Thank you for turning this day from one of the worst, to one that helped heal my broken heart piece by piece.”
As I finish talking, I feel my phone vibrate.
Atlas: Hey Monti, just checking on you.
Me: I’m good, at Valleyfair.
Atlas: Damn, I haven’t been there since we were younger.
Me: Same.
Atlas: With who?
Me: uhm…
Atlas: Monti? Who? A boy?
Me: yep.
Atlas: I want to meet him.
Me: No, not yet. Love you byeeee.
“Sorry about that, it was my uncle checking on me.”
“Are you two close?”
“We are,” I nod and add, ”He’s not married, but he’s married to his work. He’s the one who taught me how to play beer pong.”
We grab the pictures from the photo booth and since it’s getting late, the fireworks are about to start. He takes my hand to go to a place where we can watch the show.
“I love fireworks, they’re so beautiful. They bring such beauty to darkness,” I say while looking up.
I look over as Rocky says, “They sure are.” But he’s looking at me.
I never knew someone could make you feel things when you haven’t known them for long. My mom said that I will meet someone one day who will make me feel like a queen. I thought that was Dylan, but here, right now, and all the good days I’ve had, I don’t want to dwell on the negative. Rocky has made me feel wanted and not like a burden.
I hate being pessimistic about relationships, but how can anyone blame me? The two people who I grew up with burned me to my core. I know my parents wouldn’t want me to view love or relationships like this. I want to be more open to it, but when a guy breaks your heart, you turn to your best friend. Who do I turn to if he breaks my heart?
After the fireworks, we head back to my place and watch Beaches. It was my favorite movie to watch with my mom. It’s the perfect way to end the day that changed my life.
And you know what? I deserve a man like Rocky. He has shown more effort than Dylan ever did. This man has not only been telling me, but also, he has been showing me that I’m his. What the fuck is holding me back?
Okay, so Dylan betrayed my trust. He did something that I thought would have crushed me. But I refuse to live in fear. I deserve to be happy and treated well. I'm not the kind of woman to sit back and worry about getting hurt again. I’m intelligent, beautiful, and most importantly, I’m loving. Anyone would be fortunate to have me in their life. Even though I lost my parents and I'm not sure if I'll ever fully heal from that, it just proves to me that life is too short to let this amazing man slip away. I'll let him know that my trust has been shaken but not shattered, and if he can work with me on that, I'll stop trying to push him away.
Snuggling up with him, pushing all the negative thoughts and the what if’s away, I fall asleep on his chest to the rhythmic beating of his heart.