Chapter 19
LEAH
“He left me flowers and a diamond bracelet. It matches the necklace.”
Suzie lets out a low whistle after pausing while reading her briefs to watch me pace back and forth across the room.
“A necklace, a bracelet, that incredible green gown for the next party, those amazing shoes, which I am absolutely going to borrow the next time I have someplace to go. Or maybe just to shop, just so you know. I’m going to wear them next time he takes you to Saks, and I expect to get a few things myself.
As your best friend who’s basically like a sister, it’s only fair. ” Suzie’s only half joking.
“Seriously, though, what do you do with all those flowers? Better question—what are you doing with all those vases?”
“I don’t know. The housekeeper takes them, and I have no idea what she does with them.
I mean, there are a zillion rooms and five stories in this place.
Maybe there’s a room just for vases.” I answer Suzie’s question, imagining that somewhere in the house is a room dedicated entirely to vases of past bouquets Viktor has gifted.
And then it makes me wonder how many women Viktor has sent these gigantic bouquets to, instead of showing them any type of romantic feelings.
I thought, finally, that Viktor and I had shared a moment. A real moment. A true moment. I mean, he’d said, “I love you.”
Then again, things men say in the throes of passion are rarely the truth.
I’ve never seen a guy jump out of bed as fast as Viktor did. He barely gave me a chance to slide off him before he was up and on his feet. Then he ran off like I was the one who said I love you. No explanation, nothing, just, “I have to get to work,” and then he was gone.
I’d gotten out of the shower after going with Iliya to escort Eliza to school, and I found the bracelet and bouquet waiting for me.
My consolation prize, I suppose.
Viktor hadn’t meant to say, “I love you.” Just like Peter had never truly meant it. Just like Eliza’s father had only said it to get me into bed. And like an idiot, I believed each and every one of them.
“How could I be this stupid over and over again?”
“You’re not stupid,” Suzie sighs.
She puts down her bejeweled cat’s-eye glasses and stands up. She intercepts my pacing halfway across her office and puts her hands on my shoulders, so I have to look her in the eye.
“You’re not stupid, sweetheart. You just want to see the best in people. Your mom was the same way, which is what made her such a fantastic divorce lawyer.”
At the crook of my mouth, Suzie laughs quietly and settles back to sit on her desk, heedless of the papers littering its surface.
“You know the way Savannah was. She saw the best in her clients, which is why she fought so hard for them. I mean, you know what kind of monster Clarissa is, but somehow, she liked your mom, and look at all the concessions she won from an actual freaking mob boss.”
“Mom might have seen the good in everyone, but she had a set of balls on her the size of the Tri-State Area,” I add with a sigh, slumping beside her. Being on my feet for too long was starting to hurt, even though I’d only worn kitten heels to work today. “I don’t have those.”
“Oh, bullshit.” Suzie rolls her eyes. “You’re raising a kid on your own.
You left Peter instead of staying with him because you valued yourself and Eliza enough to escape that pig.
You’re saving up money to go to law school despite all the craziness in your life.
And you’re still here at work and having a baby, and you haven’t curled up and died despite the insanity that is currently your life.
I think that takes a certain amount of gumption. Don’t discount yourself.”
Suzie nudges my shoulder with hers, and I laugh despite my mood. “Gumption? What, are we in some 1940s mobster movie now?”
“You tell me.” Suzie nudges my shoulder again. “You’re the one shacking up with an actual mobster.”
I look to make sure the door to her office is closed before I smack her arm and stand. But I still feel uneasy, and Suzie watches as I start pacing again, trying to figure it out.
“He’s trying to buy me off.” The thought suddenly snaps into my head. “Just like my dad. A big check at Christmas and my birthday, as though that makes up for the fact that he left Mom and me, and he never calls or visits and didn’t even come to Mom’s funeral.”
“He’s such a fucking asshole,” Suzie agrees.
“But I think that’s what Viktor’s doing—trying to buy my—”
My what? My love? My affection? My loyalty? My life and the baby’s? I can’t tell.
Suzie’s mouth compresses into a line; she is at her most patient. “Look who you’re talking about. Maybe he just doesn’t know how to show you he loves you.”
“Or maybe he just doesn’t love me. It’s not about love, Suzie.” Now I’m pacing again, but it’s more frenzied and includes wild gestures. “It’s about a transaction; about something he needs, and only I can give him.”
“He said—”
“I know what he said!” The words come out with more force than I mean them to, and I finally stop pacing, tangling my fingers in my hair until the sensation at my scalp grounds me.
“Sorry. I’m just—honestly, I have no idea what I am to him.
Viktor treats me like a queen and Eliza like a princess.
But I don’t want gifts, and neither does Eliza.
If I’m going to be in a relationship, it has to be more than transactional.
He can’t buy my love or whatever it is he wants. ”
I sigh and sag down onto the desk again, putting my head on Suzie’s shoulder as she wraps her arm around mine.
“He can be a part of the baby’s life. I don’t want to keep him out of it. But giving me gifts and treating me like we’re in a relationship, saying certain things, showing me certain things, are two different things. I don’t need things—”
“You just need him,” Suzie sighs, too, and I nod.
We both fall silent, because nothing else needs to be said between us. If Viktor can’t respect me by showing me he wants to be in a relationship, I’m not going to be able to believe this is anything more than protection for the baby.
And if that’s true, things between us will never work.
I lift my head off Suzie’s shoulder. “What do I even do?” Frustration makes my voice thick. “Do I confront him? Do I just accept that this is how it’s going to be? That he’ll be a good provider, a distant father, and I’ll just be the mother of his child?”
Suzie sighs, her gaze softening. “You know you can’t live like that, Leah.
Not you. You’re not built to be controlled and happy living in someone’s shadow.
You need more. You deserve more, because for all the love you give, you deserve just as much back.
” She stands, walking over to her window, looking out at the endless concrete jungle of the city.
“You have to talk to him. You have to tell him what you just told me. That gifts aren’t love, that you need honesty, presence, and him. ”
“But what if he can’t give me that?” The question hangs heavily in the air, a cold dread seeping into my bones. “What if he’s incapable of it? What if he is just like my dad, or Peter, only with more power and more money to throw around?”
“Then you’ll know.” Suzie shrugs, but her expression is firm. “And then you’ll make your decision. But you can’t make that decision without having the conversation first. You owe it to yourself, and you owe it to this baby, to find out.”
Viktor is all I need. Not his things, not his money, not his protection, but him. The man who, for a fleeting moment, looked at me like I was the only woman in the world, the man who said those three impossible words.
But that man is barely around anymore, replaced by the one who sends diamonds and flowers instead of being there.
It’s a pattern I know too well, a pattern I swore I’d break.
Eliza’s father, Peter—they all avoided connection, turning our relationships into transactions.
And here I am, pregnant with another man’s child, and he’s doing the same thing.
When I get home, the mansion is quiet, almost eerily so. Eliza is already doing her homework in the living room. She’s sprawled on a plush rug, surrounded by math worksheets, markers, and handwriting practice sheets. She looks up, her face lighting up when she sees me.
“Mom! Guess what? Viktor sent me a giant unicorn with a rainbow mane!” she exclaims, pointing to a corner where a ridiculously large, fluffy unicorn sits, almost as tall as she is.
My heart sinks a little. Another gift. Another attempt to smooth things over, to buy affection.
Eliza is genuinely delighted, her excitement pure and innocent.
How can I resent a gift that brings my daughter so much joy?
This is the complication, the beautiful, heartbreaking complication of having a child with a man like Viktor.
He cares, in his own way. He just doesn’t know how to show it in a way that truly matters to me.
Later that evening, after Eliza is asleep, I find myself pacing Viktor’s room.
He still isn’t home. The silence of the mansion is oppressive, amplifying my thoughts.
I pick up the diamond bracelet from the dresser, its facets catching the light, sparkling mockingly.
It’s beautiful, and I should be thrilled. But the gift feels hollow.
The hours tick by, slow and heavy. I try to read, to watch TV, but my agitation grows with each passing minute. It’s well past midnight when I finally hear Viktor’s footsteps in the hall. My stomach tightens, my fear fighting with the resentment that’s been growing all evening.
He walks into the bedroom, loosening his tie. His eyes are tired but somehow sharp, his entire being miraculously unrumpled. He pauses when he sees me, still dressed, standing by the window. “You’re awake.” It’s not a question, but a statement.
“I need to talk to you,” I say, my voice steady despite the tremors running through me.