Chapter 18
This day just keeps getting harder and harder.
I mean, it’s one thing to lose my house, and be forced to share my beautiful mansion hideaway with a bunch of people who could spill my secret at any moment.
But I just started my period.
And did I prepare for this by stopping at the shop in town to get supplies? Of course not.
Not that I’m not grateful. I am so, so grateful. The last thing I want is to…I’m not going to say it. I’m not even brave enough to think the P word right now.Nothing would get me kicked out of this house, and my imaginary perfect relationship, faster than failing to prevent myself from getting pregnant. Even I, at twenty-three, have been around the dating scene long enough to know that.
But still. I’m kicking myself for not being prepared. Sure, I felt a bit sore and crampy the last couple of days, but I’ve been fucked in the most wild and crazy ways, so I just assumed it was part of the deal.
“Sally,” I hiss, pulling her into the bathroom with me. “Do you have any tampons?”
Her eyes go wide. Then she grimaces apologetically. “No, but I’ll ask around. Terrible timing. It’s not like we can just run out to the store.”
“I know. And I have a limited number of clean underwear here. Not to mention it won’t be my own sheets I’m ruining.”
Another look of pity from my friend. “Let me go ask around.”
I nod. “I’m going to start looking in all the bathroom cabinets. There’s like six bathrooms in this house, one of them has to have stuff, right?”
Wrong.
With a giant ball of toilet paper wedged between my legs, I search every bathroom in the house and come up with nothing. But Sally comes back, thank god, with options.
“Okay, I got these from some of the employees.” She produces a fair pile of various sizes of tampons. “And Petunia, the housekeeper lady, overheard me asking and went to her house and got these.” With a triumphant smile, Sally produces a package of pads that look like they were purchased in the eighties.
Beggars can’t be choosers, though, am I right?
“Fantastic. This is great. Thank you.”
Sally gives me a hug and leaves me to get situated. When I’m feeling confident enough to go out in public, I bundle all the rest of the supplies into a towel and hug it to my chest. I don’t know how, but I need to get this stuff up to my room.
Of course, the first person I meet when I emerge from the bathroom is Ben.
His eyes go straight to the brightly striped towel bundle in my arms. “What’s that?”
“Don’t make me tell you,” I respond.
He starts to laugh, but my face must tell him I’m not joking. “Okay...”
“Just go cause a distraction that will let me go upstairs.”
His eyebrows shoot up, but he nods and heads in the direction of the television, on the opposite side of the living room as the stairs I need to sneak up.
“Hey, everyone, if I can have your attention…”
I don’t wait to hear what kind of announcement he’s thought up, making a beeline for the safety of my room. Once I’m there, I don’t want to leave, but I know people will start wondering where I am, so I quickly stash my treasure and change my shorts and panties.
I’m pretty sure I made it back down without anyone noticing, but Paul follows me into the kitchen.
“Did you change again? Do you have a drawer here or something?”
I whirl at the sound of his voice and prepare to fight. Calmly, of course. Not to raise suspicion. “What? No. But I do have most of my worldly belongings in a bag because, you know, the freaking flood.”
His hands go up in surrender. “Sorry. Didn’t mean to offend you. I was just curious. You seem to know this house so well. And you know Mr. Adams like an old friend. I guess I just didn’t realize you and Ains were so close.”
And there it is. It takes all my physical restraint to keep my head from swinging wildly from side to side to make sure there wasn’t anyone around to overhear that. Instead, I focus right on the threat in front of me. “It’s not like?—”
“And don’t worry, I figured out where you’re sleeping, but I won’t tell.”
My mouth drops open, and I snap it shut, trying to make my brain function through the horror of his statement well enough to form words.
He just laughs at my obvious upset. “I said I won’t tell. Honestly, it’s on them if they’re too dumb to figure it out. I mean, this is Ainsley’s dad’s house. Of course he has a room here, and of course he’d let you?—”
“You’re going to be pleased at the movie choice,” Ben interrupts, walking into the kitchen smiling, as if my whole house of cards wasn’t collapsing down around me.
He stops short when he sees Paul. A quick glance between the two of us tells him all he needs to know.
And he saves me.
“Sally’s out there asking for you,” he says to Paul with a nod of his head in the direction of the living room. “Everyone’s getting settled in for a movie.”
“Oh, yeah. Okay. Thanks,” Paul says to him with a smile. He tosses a wink at me and heads off to find his bedmate.
“You okay?” Ben asks once we’re alone.
I shrug. Then I force a smile. “Yeah.”
“Liar.”
I shrug again, at a loss for what to say.
“That guy bothering you?” Ben’s voice carries a note of concern now. Anger even.
“No, he just…”
“He figured it out?”
With a huge sigh, I offer a resigned nod. It’s another freaking lie, but it’s a lie that hopefully will get me through tonight.
“Do you want me to have a talk with him?” Ben asks and my eyes go wide.
“No. No, no. That’s okay. It’s okay. He’s just been wondering where I was going to sleep. He was concerned earlier when I didn’t go with the other girls to get rooms and he just let me know that he figured out I was sleeping upstairs.”
There. Not a total lie. It’s actually the truth in a sense.
When I look up from my feet, Ben is giving me the strangest look. “Would it be so bad if everyone knew?”
I close my eyes at his words, unable to prevent my feelings from overtaking me. I can’t worry about how I must look to him right now. This is all officially too much.
This kind, generous, fun, sexy man likes me. Really likes me. Wants me. He’s plowing forward as if this thing between us is real. He wants it to be real.
I want it to be real, too. So badly I could cry.
I might actually cry.
This is a familiar stage of dating for me. After weeks or days of doing my best to be lovely and fun and cool, there comes a point when the guy decides he either wants me or he “isn’t looking for a relationship right now”. And that’s when it either becomes real or I learn that it’s just a casual thing.
That’s how it’s always gone for me. They get to decide while I wait patiently to be proclaimed good enough for a relationship or only good enough for sex.
This time, though…I wasn’t hoping for this moment. I’ve been dreading it. I should have gotten out in front of it and told him from the first second that there was no chance of a relationship between us.
In my defense, I didn’t actually think he would get to this place. I never thought he would consider me relationship material, even as I dreamed about it all being real.
I’ve been watching it get more and more real. I should have been telling him it wasn’t. I should have been avoiding this moment. But I wasn’t. Because I wanted it.
Because it is real.
Even though it’s not.
“Victoria.”
Ben lays his hand on my shoulder, and I open my eyes to look up at him. The concern is still there, mixed with something I might call fear. Possibly even disappointment.
That’s all I’m going to be to him. A disappointment.
If he finds out the truth, I will have let him down. Betrayed him.
If he doesn’t, I’m still going to disappoint him by failing to be able to give him what he wants. What he’s clearly asking for.
“This has been a really hard day. Let’s not make it any harder right now, okay? Whatever’s going on, can we keep it until tomorrow when these people go to the hotel and we get our house back?” His voice is gentle now, like he’s coaxing a scared animal out of a corner.
I nod and he smiles at me. “There was a vote, and they chose Nightmare on Elm Street.”
I smile back, even though I want to cry. He’s right. We need to get through this night, and then maybe I’ll be able to make myself do what needs to be done. Maybe I’ll walk away from this.
“That’s my favorite.”
He smiles again, taking a deep breath and exhaling in a huff, looking around. I know he wants to hug me. I want him to hug me.
But he doesn’t.
“Let’s head in there and get seats. Petunia brought over some caramel popcorn that looks like it’s been in their emergency storm stash since the nineties.”
I smile at his joke, softening at his obvious attempt to lighten the mood.
“After the movie, we’ll encourage everyone to get some rest. Then we can be alone. Okay?”
I nod.
“You head in there. I’m going to grab some drinks and be there in a few.”
I nod again and turn to walk into the living room. Everyone has brought blankets and pillows, creating a nest on the living room floor. It really does feel like a slumber party.
I raise my eyebrows at Sally as she beckons me over to where she and Paul have curled up with their backs to the sofa. I shake my head and put my hand on my lower belly, as if getting my period is an excuse for not joining them. She returns a sympathetic glance and smiles at me when I settle myself into a large cushy chair that is miraculously still free.
Ben has pulled the drapes over the windows, creating a dim atmosphere even though the sun has barely set. I catch him out of the corner of my eye, settling on one of the high-backed chairs at the bar adjacent to the kitchen. He’s behind me, but far enough to the side that I can see him.
I spend the whole movie, which I’ve seen so many times I have it memorized, watching him. He laughs, and grimaces, and shakes his head, and rolls his eyes. He’s so expressive, especially when he thinks no one is watching. He’s so much more than the suit-wearing corporate defense attorney that he plays in real life. He’s everything. He’s perfect.
And he wants to be mine.
I’m grateful for the darkness now as the tears that have been threatening for hours finally start to fall. I’m completely and utterly wrecked over this. It’s going to end horribly and it’s all my fault. I was the one who lied and is continuing to lie every second of every day with this man. I am the one who sat by and let the guy fall for me, knowing full well what was going on. Knowing that it could never be real.
I’ve been telling myself it didn”t matter. That the guy would never actually want me. And that still could be the truth. I mean, sure he wants me now, on this island, but he said himself that I’m nothing like the women he knows back in the city.
“Do you see any of those women here now?”
A fresh wave of tears run silently down my face as I remember that conversation. It was the one that gave me the first indication that there might be something here besides just sex. It was also when he let me know he disapproved of all my life choices.
So there’s that.
And maybe that’s the crux of the problem. We’re too different. I’m a college dropout, exercise instructor, and a liar. Ben is a rich lawyer, father, and the most eligible bachelor in all of New York. What the hell would he want with me?
The thought is supposed to make me feel better, but it only makes the tears worse.
I cry through most of the movie, managing to get my act together toward the end so my face will have a chance to de-puff before the lights come on.
I wish I could have enjoyed it with everyone. The classic film was billed as horror when it came out, but these days it’s considered a comedy by many people. There was laughter and shrieks from the whole room in all the right parts. In different circumstances, this could have been a lot of fun.
As the credits roll and lamps start to click on, most people gather up their blankets and pillows and head off to their various sleeping spots. It might be barely after eight, but people are exhausted from the ordeal of the day. I know I am.
I wait until most everyone is gone, Sally and Paul sneaking off together, both of them tossing me a knowing smile and a wink, but for very different reasons.
Finally, when there are only a few stragglers, I gather myself up and slip up the stairs. I’m just finished changing when I hear the thud and click of the heavy door at the top of the stairs closing and the lock sliding into place.
My heart aches anew for the fun kidnapping games we could play with a door like that, but alas. It’s not going to happen. If I try to drag this thing between us out longer just so I can have another round of scary sex, it will only sink the dagger into the heart of my self-respect. What I have left of it, anyway.
Ben comes straight to my room and leans in the doorway. “That was quite a day, huh?”
I nod from where I sit on my bed. Hell, it probably is Ainsley’s bed. The thought hadn’t occurred to me until Paul said something, but it made sense that Ben would give the room closest to his own to his son. Ainsley must have been just a kid when they built this house.
I close my eyes as fresh tears threaten. I don’t open them when I feel Ben sit down beside me.
“You must be exhausted.” He pulls my body to his for the first time since this whole nightmare started, and I can’t stand the wave of relief it brings. It feels so good, so right. But it’s all wrong.
I try to pull away, but he keeps me there. “We’re going to get it all figured out, okay? Between the four of us guys, we can rebuild the island, and that’s what we’re going to do. It’s going to take time, but there’s nothing to worry about. Everyone will be taken care of. All the houses will get fixed.”
Bless his heart, he thinks I’m upset about the flood. I mean, I am, but some soggy clothes and a ruined apartment pale in comparison to the real monster I’m facing.
The thought of walking away from this man.
I pull away and look up at him, cherishing the way his eyes crinkle at me as he smiles. It’s a secret, kind smile. One that I only see when he’s looking at me. “I’m okay. Just really tired.”
He nods and lets me escape from his arms. I lay down and pull the blanket over me. “I think I’ll sleep in here tonight.” I force the words out quickly before I can say what I really want to say—take me to your bed and make me forget all my problems.
Ben narrows his eyes at me. “You sure you’re not going to be too scared to sleep alone? I mean, that movie was pretty scary.”
I laugh. “It was not.”
“I was terrified,” Ben says, and I laugh again, rolling my eyes. “Terrified that people like that are allowed to have children. I mean, those parents could have prevented that whole massacre if they had listened to a single word coming out of their children’s mouths. They should have been put in jail for child neglect and endangerment.”
I smile up at him, my worries momentarily forgotten as I enjoy this perfect moment. “Spoken like an old man.”
Ben shrugs. “I call it like I see it.”
“You’re not worried that a phantom serial killer is going to haunt your dreams when you fall asleep?” I ask, not being serious, but wanting to keep him here longer.
He shakes his head. “I’m more worried that the cold place beside me in bed is going to haunt me.”
Oh, if he only knew the terrible foreshadowing he just added to the tragic story of us.
“It’s just one night,” I say.
Ben growls a bit and bares his teeth. “One night I could have with you.”
“And what are you going to do if I say no and stay in my own bed?”
He raises his eyebrows, considering me. “I guess you’ll just have to find out.” He tucks the blankets around me comically tight, and I wiggle to free myself. “You could just come with me now and save yourself the trouble.”
I would, I really would. But there’s the issue of the bloody mess I have waiting between my legs. I shake my head defiantly.
“Okay,” he says, getting to his feet and crossing his arms over his chest. “But don’t blame me if you don’t like the consequences of this decision.”
I don’t like any of the consequences that I know will arise from my terrible, terrible decisions, but I say nothing.
“Sleep tight,” he says ominously, switching off the light and closing the door behind him.